You don't always know you're in an abusive relationship when you're in it. That's the thing about abuse — it doesn't always come with bruises. Sometimes it comes wrapped in love, in promises, in spiritual connection, in "I can't live without you." Sometimes it comes in the form of silence, withholding, and the slow erosion of your self-worth.
I know because I lived it.
And I know because I finally saw it.
This blog is for the women who are still inside it. For the women who are starting to feel something is wrong but can't name it yet. For the women who have been told they're "too much" or "too sensitive" or "too emotional" — when really, they were just feeling everything they were being put through.
Recognizing Abuse: What It Looks Like
We often think of abuse as physical violence. But abuse is more insidious than that. It's the slow erosion of your spirit, your voice, your sense of self.
Here are some of the forms I've seen — and experienced — that are often overlooked:
1. Emotional Withholding
You reach out. You're met with silence. You express a need, and you're punished with distance. You ask for connection, and you're made to feel like you're asking for too much.
This is not "space." This is control through absence.
2. Punishment for Being Honest
You ask a question — maybe about fidelity, maybe about feelings, maybe just about where you stand — and you're met with anger, deflection, or withdrawal.
You learn to stop asking questions. You learn to stop trusting your gut. You learn that your need for clarity is a problem.
3. Using Intimacy as Leverage
You have a concern. You express it. Suddenly, affection is withheld. Sex is withheld. Touch is withheld. Not because they're not interested — but because they want to teach you a lesson about what happens when you speak up.
This is not intimacy. This is transactional control.
4. Revenge Plots Dressed as "Hurt"
You made a choice. They didn't like it. So they decided to get you back — by going after someone close to you, by using your vulnerability against you, by reminding you that you should have stayed quiet.
This is not pain. This is retaliation.
5. The Slow Withdrawal of Your Sense of Self
You start to notice you're pouring everything into someone who pours nothing back. You're lighting candles for them. Praying for them. Building altars for them. And they can't even answer a text.
You start to ask yourself: "Where did I go?"
The Cycle of Abuse in Spiritual Relationships
It can be especially confusing when the relationship has a spiritual or magical component. When you're both "awake," when you're both "working," when you believe your connection is fated — it can be harder to see the dysfunction.
You tell yourself: "He's just healing."
You tell yourself: "He's just busy."
You tell yourself: "He's not like the others."
But the truth is: Spiritual connection does not excuse emotional neglect. And fated love does not mean you have to tolerate being drained.
Why It's So Hard to Leave
· You remember the good times
· You hold onto who they could be
· You blame yourself for their behavior
· You convince yourself that if you just love them harder, longer, better — they'll change
· You worry you're overreacting
· You worry you're making it all up
· You're addicted to the highs, even while surviving the lows
I've been there. I know.
What Helped Me Break Free
1. I started paying attention to my body.
When I was with him, I was anxious. When he was silent, I couldn't sleep. When he was loving, I was relieved — but never fully relaxed. My body knew before my mind did.
2. I stopped trying to explain myself.
I realized that if I had to keep explaining why I was hurt, I was already in the wrong space. Love doesn't require a PowerPoint presentation to be heard.
3. I chose my daughter.
I looked at her and asked: "If she were in this relationship, what would I tell her?"
I told myself the same thing.
4. I removed my energy from his field.
I took him off my altar. I muted his calls. I stopped checking his social media. I stopped giving him free access to my mind, my body, and my prayers.
5. I let him go in spirit before I let him go in reality.
I did the work. I cut the cord. I lit the candles. I spoke to my ancestors. I told them: "I am ready to receive what is truly mine — and release what is not."
How to Move On — Without Losing Yourself
1. Release the need for closure.
He won't give you what you need to move on. You have to give that to yourself.
2. Return his energy to him.
You don't have to curse him. But you can release his energy back to him — with intention, with fire, and with finality.
3. Reclaim your altar.
Your sacred space is yours. Fill it with what nourishes you — not what drains you.
4. Let yourself be loved by someone who isn't afraid to show up.
There are men who will not leave you guessing. Men who will hold you, cry with you, worship your body, and honor your spirit. Don't let one man's dysfunction convince you they don't exist.
5. Forgive yourself.
You didn't know then what you know now. You loved with an open heart. You gave what you had. That is not a weakness — that is a gift.
But now it's time to give that gift back to yourself.
A Final Truth
You are not broken because you stayed.
You are not foolish because you loved.
You are not weak because you hoped.
You are human.
And now you are awakening.
That is the most powerful place to be.
If this resonates with you — share it. Post it. Print it. Keep it close. You are not alone. And you are not meant to stay in a cage that was never meant to hold you.
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