I want to talk about something that often sits behind the scenes on many of those conversations, but is rarely addressed directly: What happens when you become the manager of your former peers.
Because this is not just a promotion. It’s a shift in identity, relationships and expectations, and one that most people are not prepared for.
When “them” suddenly includes you
Many new leaders step into their role managing the very same people they used to sit next to.
The same people you:
- shared frustrations with
- joked with
- trusted
- and sometimes even challenged management (them) with
And suddenly… “them” now includes you.
This is where the transition becomes uncomfortable. Not because anything has gone wrong, but because everything has changed at once.
Leadership now means holding your former peers accountable, giving them feedback, making decisions they may not agree with, and treating everyone fairly regardless of past relationships.
This can be one of the toughest parts of becoming a manager.
Why this transition feels so challenging
This shift is not just operational. It’s deeply human, and it often brings uncertainty on both sides.
From what I see in my work with new leaders, three challenges tend to come up again and again:
1. Redefining relationships
The dynamic changes, whether you actively address it or not. What used to feel natural and informal now carries different expectations, and that can feel awkward at first.
Trying to “keep things as they were” often creates confusion, so finding the delicate balance between empathy and authority becomes essential to maintain trust.
2. Establishing your authority
Your team still sees you as “one of them”, and in many ways, you still feel like it too. This is why giving direction or holding people accountable can feel uncomfortable.
Authority here is not about being forceful. It’s about being consistent, fair and clear in your decisions, even when it feels unfamiliar.
3. Managing perceptions
If others in your team applied for the role you just landed, there may be unspoken disappointment or assumptions about how decisions are made. Even if nothing is said, it can still affect the dynamic.
This is where transparency and consistency play a key role in building credibility over time.
So, what actually helps?
There is no perfect formula for this transition, and every team dynamic will be different.
But there are some strategies that, with time, patience and consistency, can make a meaningful difference:
Acknowledge the shift
Avoid pretending nothing has changed, because everyone will feel it even if it’s not spoken about. Addressing it openly can remove a lot of uncertainty.
Having a conversation about the new dynamic and even inviting the team to help define how you will work together, can create clarity and shared ownership and give space for trust to start building up.
Have individual conversations where needed
If someone also applied for the role, it’s important not to ignore it, basically because these situations don’t resolve by themselves if you leave them.
A one-to-one conversation where you acknowledge the situation, listen and offer support for their development can go a long way in rebuilding trust.
Ask for help
You are not expected to navigate this perfectly from day one. In fact, most leaders learn this through experience and support.
Speaking to your manager or other leaders who have gone through a similar transition can give you a new perspective, reassurance and practical ideas you may not have considered.
Become more self-aware
This transition will naturally highlight both your strengths and your development areas. The way you communicate, react and make decisions will now have a broader impact and will be in the spotlight.
The more aware you are of how you show up as a leader and as a human being, the easier it becomes to adjust your approach when needed by taking a step back and reflecting on the situation, even if it is for a few seconds.
Communicate clearly and consistently
Clarity is one of the most powerful tools you have as a leader, especially during times of change. People need to understand what is expected and why instead of being given orders to obey for unclear reasons.
Regular check-ins, open conversations and consistency in your messaging will help reduce misunderstandings and rebuild a sense of alignment within the team.
Set boundaries early
This is often one of the most uncomfortable parts, but also one of the most important. Without clear boundaries, it becomes difficult to lead fairly.
This doesn’t mean distancing yourself from your team, but it does mean being intentional about how decisions are made and communicated.
This applies within your team but also upwards. Managing your management, becoming a filter for your team and setting clear boundaries on what is acceptable can be the most difficult thing to do, but also the most powerful, both for yourself as an individual but also for your team’s trust in your leadership capabilities.
Focus on the team’s success
One of the biggest shifts in leadership is moving away from your own individual performance as the main measure of success. Doing your individual tasks well will not “save” you now, it’s time to think big picture.
Your role is now to create the conditions for others to perform well. Recognising contributions, supporting development and aligning the team towards shared goals becomes your priority. Your team’s success is your success.
Deliver what you promised
Nothing can erode trust more than a manager promising something and then… crickets. You have to be accountable for what you say and do, so if you commit yourself to do something, make sure you action it.
But not everything works as you want so, if whatever you promised can’t be delivered, is important that your team is aware that you did your best instead of sweeping it under the rug and pretending it never happened.
Final thought
Respect and trust don’t come with a new title. They are built over time, through consistent actions and decisions.
If you’re navigating this transition and it feels uncomfortable, that’s completely normal. It means you are stepping into a new level of responsibility you never experienced before.
Leadership is not about having all the answers straight away. It’s about being intentional, fair and consistent in how you show up.
If this is something you're currently experiencing or supporting others through, it’s a conversation worth having.
And if you’re a new leader facing this for the first time: You don’t need to have it all figured out. But you do need to be aware of the impact you have from day one.
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