Skim read: 3–4 minutes
Thoughtful read: 5–7 minutes
Sometimes we find ourselves responding to a version of reality that is no longer true.
A friend may be responding to a version of us that exists in their mind rather than the person standing in front of them.
Equally, we may be responding to a version of ourselves that no longer reflects who we are.
This can happen in relationships, families, workplaces, therapy rooms, and even in our own thinking.
In narcissistic relationships, however, there can be an additional difficulty. Over time, the survivor may find themselves spending more energy responding to the narcissist’s version of reality than to their own direct experience.
The question slowly shifts from:
“What am I seeing?”
to
“How do I explain myself?”
And eventually:
“Am I the problem?”
Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Misrepresented
1. Do I feel misrepresented or misunderstood?
* Is the person responding to what I actually said?
* Or are they responding to their assumption about me?
2. Have I tried to clarify or correct the misunderstanding?
* Have I explained my position?
* Have I provided additional information or context?
3. Are my corrections being acknowledged?
* Does the person adjust their view when presented with new information?
* Or do they continue with the same story regardless?
4. Is a false narrative being created or maintained?
* Am I being reduced to a label, stereotype, or simplified version of myself?
* Are important facts being ignored because they don’t fit the narrative?
5. How is this affecting me?
* Am I beginning to doubt my own experience or judgement?
* Am I spending increasing amounts of time defending myself against something that isn’t true?
6. What is within my control?
* Do I need to correct the record once?
* Do I need to repeat myself?
* Or do I simply need to recognise that this person is committed to their version of events?
7. What do I do about it?
* Return to the evidence.
* Trust observable reality.
* Stop arguing with a narrative that is not being updated by facts.
* Decide whether further explanation is likely to help.
* Protect my own sense of reality rather than trying to win agreement.
A Further Question
Whose narrative am I living in now?
* My partner’s?
* My parent’s?
* My friend’s?
* My client’s?
* My employer’s?
* An old family role?
* A younger version of myself?
Or am I living in my own observable reality?
For Therapists, Coaches and Helping Professionals
There can be a powerful pull to become what everyone else needs us to be.
Many of us were rewarded for:
* understanding others,
* adapting,
* explaining,
* fixing,
* carrying responsibility.
Without realising it, we can begin to live inside a narrative that says:
“I must know.”
“I must guide.”
“I must have the answer.”
“I must be the wise one in the room.”
The sage, expert, rescuer, or oracle can become another form of performance.
Yet many clients are not looking for perfection.
They are looking to be heard.
They need someone who can stay close to reality rather than someone who can perform certainty.
A different position might be:
“Let’s look at what’s happening.”
“What do you notice?”
“Does that fit the evidence?”
“What’s the pattern?”
This is not the position of the oracle on the mountain.
It is the position of someone willing to remain curious, grounded, and honest.
The therapist does not need to become all things to all people.
The task is not to perform wisdom.
The task is to remain in contact with reality.
Key Reminder
Someone else’s story about me does not automatically become the truth about me.
Nor does an old story about myself.
Return to the evidence.
Return to reality.
And when in doubt, ask:
Whose narrative am I living in now?