(4 minute read)
When you find yourself in an argument with a narcissist - do you feel understood or heard?
What happens when explanation becomes survival - and why thoughtful people become tied in knots.
Have you spent years analysing them?
Have you ever analysed what happened to you?
If you have found yourself repeatedly drawn into difficult, circular or emotionally exhausting conversations, you may know what I mean.
The replaying afterwards.
The need to revisit what was said.
The uncomfortable feeling that perhaps if you had explained more clearly, chosen different words, stayed calmer, or returned to the point one more time, understanding might finally have happened.
Many thoughtful people become highly skilled at analysing the people around them.
We ask:
Why did they say that?
What did they mean?
What happened in their life?
Are they frightened? Defensive? Ashamed? Controlling? Hurt?
We become excellent observers of the other person.
Sometimes with good reason.
Because understanding people can soften blame, reduce reactivity and help us navigate difficult relationships.
But over time, another question may become more important.
Not:
Who are they?
But:
What happens to me in these conversations?
Because some conversations leave behind more than disagreement.
They leave behind a knot.
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The knot
You may recognise this route:
Shock.
Confusion.
Explanation.
Defence.
Trying again.
Frustration.
Anger.
Replay.
The knot tightens.
Not because you are weak.
Not because you enjoy conflict.
But because humans are built to seek repair when connection or understanding feels threatened.
Thoughtful people often assume:
If I explain clearly enough, understanding will follow.
And in many healthy relationships, this is true.
But some conversations begin to feel different.
Your words return altered.
Your concern becomes criticism.
Your hurt becomes aggression.
Your attempt to clarify becomes evidence against you.
At times it can feel as though your words have been:
lifted apart, tangled up, put through a car crusher, and handed back as proof of something you never intended.
You recognise pieces of yourself in what comes back.
But not enough to feel known.
Only enough to feel confused.
And confusion is exhausting.
Over time, explanation itself can become survival.
The body begins solving a problem:
How do I get back to being accurately seen?
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Understanding them may not be enough
Many people spend years trying to understand difficult people.
Sometimes this becomes a full-time occupation.
You read.
Research.
Listen.
Analyse.
You become fluent in attachment styles, trauma, personality traits, family systems and defence mechanisms.
You become highly informed.
Yet still leave conversations feeling:
• guilty
• defensive
• uncertain
• exhausted
• preoccupied
• desperate to explain yourself better
Knowledge alone does not always loosen the knot.
Because eventually another question appears:
Am I trying to solve disagreement — or restore connection?
And:
Have I begun working harder to preserve my meaning than the other person is working to understand it?
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Observing yourself
I am less interested these days in naming people.
I am more interested in patterns.
And perhaps most importantly:
What repeated interactions do to thoughtful people over time.
If certain conversations leave you feeling tied in knots, consider asking yourself:
Do I leave feeling more understood — or less?
Do I explain more now than I did years ago?
When I feel misunderstood, does my body experience this as discomfort… or danger?
Have I become responsible for carrying the weight of understanding for both people?
Am I trying to repair connection — or trying to prove my reality?
Who do I become in these conversations?
Do I become:
clearer?
steadier?
more able to tolerate disagreement?
Or:
anxious?
hypervigilant?
preoccupied?
driven to explain?
Because the effect on you matters.
Patterns matter.
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A different question
Perhaps the most useful question is not:
“Are they a narcissist?”
But:
“What has happened to me after years of trying to be understood?”
The answer may tell you more than the argument itself.
And if you recognise yourself here, perhaps the knot did not form because you failed to communicate.
Sometimes the knot forms because understanding was never the shared destination.