The Older Child is Offending the Younger One (Revised for American Parents)
My older son often tries to harm his younger brother. And while I want to believe it’s just a phase, some days, the fear in my gut says otherwise.
The other day, I left them alone in the living room to grab a snack from the kitchen. I heard an unusual, sharp cry — the kind that signals something more than a sibling squabble. When I rushed back in, I found my older son standing over his brother, his face twisted with anger and frustration. The little one was crying in pain. When I asked what happened, the older one froze. “I didn’t do anything,” he whispered. “He’s just being dramatic.”
I felt devastated. And yes, I admit it — I yelled. I punished my older son. And I cried. But later, when things calmed down, I couldn’t help but ask myself: Am I doing something wrong? Is he acting out because of something I’ve done — or failed to do?
When the Older Child Starts Acting Out
No parent dreams of this situation. When you planned your second child, you probably imagined beautiful sibling moments, laughter, shared toys, and close bonds. But when aggression appears — especially from the older child — it’s alarming.
“How can this be?” we wonder.
“My child used to be so calm and sweet. Now I can’t recognize him!”
But if we dig deeper, we’ll see that this aggressive behavior is often the symptom of a much deeper emotion: jealousy and grief.
What’s Really Going On?
“Fighting for love” — that’s what experts often call the behavior. And it’s painfully accurate.
Before the baby came, your older child had your undivided attention. You were their person. You read books together. You watched clouds in the sky. You cuddled during story time.
Now, they feel replaced. Not just by a new baby, but by a new version of you: a distracted, sleep-deprived parent who suddenly doesn’t have time for hide-and-seek or bedtime chats.
A 7-year-old boy once said:
“We used to go on walks just the two of us. Now I go with the stroller. I wish the baby wasn’t born.”
That’s painful to hear — but it’s honest. And honesty is the place to start.
What Age Changes Behavior Looks Like
Sibling jealousy shows up differently depending on the child’s age:
Age Group
Typical Signs of Jealousy
2–4 years
Hitting the baby, regression (baby talk, bedwetting), tantrums, crying when you hold the baby
5–7 years
Verbal threats, hidden aggression, passive resistance (“I forgot to help”), lying, withdrawing emotionally
8+ years
Sarcasm, blaming baby for everything, exclusion (“He can’t play with us”), anger at both parents
These behaviors are more than just “bad manners.” They’re a child’s way of signaling emotional distress — and they need us to notice, not punish blindly.
Three Secrets to Stop the Hurt Before It Starts
Secret One: Simple but Powerful — Rebuild the Emotional Bond
Your older child isn’t acting out because they’re “bad.” They’re hurting — and they don’t have the words for it.
You must actively show:
- 💛 “I love you.”
- 💬 “You’re still just as important to me.”
- 🧠 “I need your ideas and thoughts.”
Try saying things like:
- “What do you think we should name the baby’s toy?”
- “Can you help me choose a bedtime story?”
- “I really need your opinion on what snack we should pack for the park.”
This helps the child feel respected and included, not demoted.
✅ Pro Tip: Set daily 10–15 minute “Mommy & Me Time” with your older child — no baby, no phones. Just your full attention. Even small moments like this will rebuild the bond and reduce outbursts.
Secret Two: Teach Them How to Be Siblings (Don’t Assume They Know)
We often expect kids to “figure it out.” But that’s unrealistic.
Children need scaffolding — guidance on how to interact kindly. Your 5-year-old doesn’t automatically know how to “share” or “teach” the baby something. And your toddler certainly can’t play fair yet.
Instead:
- Encourage guided interactions: “Can you help him stack blocks?” “Can you show her how to zip her coat?”
- Create cooperative rituals: “Let’s make a snack for everyone together.” “Can you hold the diaper bag while I change him?”
🎯 Goal: Let the older child feel trusted, helpful, capable — but not burdened.
Be careful not to turn them into your assistant or babysitter. They need to know they’re still a child, not a substitute adult.
❗ Safety Reminder: If the older child has ever physically hurt the younger one — intentionally or not — never leave them alone together, especially under age 7. Even a few seconds can be risky. This is not about blame. It’s about safety.
Secret Three: Prepare Emotionally — Long Before Baby Arrives
Preparation matters — a lot. Telling a child “You’re getting a sibling!” isn’t enough. They need a framework:
Instead of:
“You’ll love the baby! You’ll have a new friend!”
Try:
“It might feel strange at first. Sometimes babies cry a lot. You might even feel sad or frustrated. That’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.”
Also:
- Talk about your first pregnancy and their babyhood. Make them feel special and connected to the experience.
- Involve them in planning. Pick out a toy together. Let them help choose a name or decoration for the baby’s corner.
- Validate their feelings before they’re even born. “It’s normal to feel worried or unsure.”
🧸 Use books like “I’m a Big Brother” or “The New Baby” by Mercer Mayer. Storytime becomes a safe space to process big emotions.
So What Happens If I’ve Already “Messed Up”?
You’re not alone. Most of us yell. Most of us panic. Most of us feel overwhelmed, guilty, and desperate.
But every day is a chance to reset.
Start small:
- Give your older child eye contact.
- Ask for their opinion.
- Say “thank you” for something tiny.
- Hug them without needing a reason.
And most importantly — talk. Not just about behavior. But about feelings.
“Are you sad I don’t play with you as much anymore?”
“Are you angry that I spend more time with your brother?”
“I love you. That hasn’t changed.”
Final Thought
Sibling jealousy isn’t a sign that your family is broken. It’s a sign that your children are navigating deep emotional transitions — and they need your help.
Your job isn’t to fix it overnight. Your job is to stay present, stay loving, and build a family where both children feel seen, valued, and safe.
Even the strong older child needs to be someone’s baby, too.