Weird title, right? How can a pastor be depressed? The pastor is virtually receiving direct instruction from the throne of God, they should be the healthiest. Well, just so you know, I was a pastor and I was depressed. That’s right, I was depressed. I had lost passion for life. I hated going to church. Heck, I was wondering why God wasn’t ferrying me with a fiery chariot to heaven because I was so done with this world. Anyone who knows me may be gawking at this point. When were you depressed you are asking? We saw you preaching sermons. You led our Bible Study. You mentored our children. Yes, I did all that but I was depressed. This is where you truly see the power of God. When I was weak, He was truly strong. I guess I was functionally depressed. To be fair, I wasn’t depressed from the start of my ministry but I sure was at the end of it.
What happened? How could I have let myself get there? You should have let go and let God. You know the regular Christianese. Phrases we spew which are easier said than done. The truth is, I was well on my way to this destination even before becoming a pastor.
Did I love serving God? You bet. Did I enjoy preaching His Word? You better believe it. Did I enjoy fellowshipping in people’s homes and encouraging them during pastoral visits? Oh yeah! Heck I loved working with my youth and children. I enjoyed planning events for them. I loved mentoring them. So what was the disconnect?
I’d be lying if I claimed to fully understand how I reached that state. It was not the first time mark you. Over the past fifteen years, I was having episodes of major depression. As I write to you right now, it dawns on me that I am not truly recovered from my last episode - the one I had as a pastor. I am no longer praying for chariots of fire but I am also not completely out the woods yet either.
So what have I learned from this experience because I can tell you for free, it truly sucked. I have learnt to use my pain to minister to others. I have learnt that God can use me even when I am broken - perhaps even more so. This is in no means me trying to gloss over my depression. In reality, I was feeling undervalued, overworked and unseen. Totally burnt out and wiped out in the service of God. I was truly hurting. I had been hurt by my parishioners over the years. I had been hurt by my fellow church workers. I was in pain. I had to come face to face with it and deal with it. Depression is a serious thing. How many cases have you heard of pastors taking their own lives? I was able to talk about it - to a degree - with family, trusted friends and even got a life coach! Please, if you are going through a depression, do not die inside alone - get help from a counselor.
What I am saying though is that because of my pain, I was able to minister to those who I felt were undervalued, overworked and unseen like me. In 2020, I started sending video messages of encouragement to all the pastors and medical staff that I knew. I figured if I am feeling this way, other pastors must be feeling unappreciated too especially in the face of the COVID pandemic which was new to all of us. We were grappling with ministering to our flock at home, easing their fears while battling our own; encouraging them while receiving no encouragement ourselves. I have worked in a hospital before so I know the pressures of that environment. I could only imagine how it was during the first few months when barely anything was known about the virus and there you are working in a high risk zone and since you are essential services, you have no choice but to go every day. Hospital staffs were under tremendous stress and anxiety and I just wanted to remind them that even though no one acknowledged their hard work and sacrifice, I did. I wasn’t able to do this for all the pastors and health workers in the country but God allowed me to encourage the few in my circle.
What happened was that God was able to use my pain to see the pain of others and bring them hope and encouragement. I was in the same boat as them. I hadn’t found the solution but God allowed me in a small way to be a cheering squad of one and give them a ‘thumbs up’ once in a while. I did this for several months. The irony is that I derived such joy from sending those random messages and putting a smile on their faces. God - if we let Him - will use us in spite of our pain. God shows His strength perfectly in my weakness which is what I will be meditating on as I once again learn a different aspect of surrender.
‘And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness”. I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.’ (2 Corinthians 12:9 RSV)
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