So I’ve noticed that whenever I dare sharing the darker, most taxing aspects of my experiences as a mother (which is often and through different outlets) the most common advice/comment I receive is something along the lines of “enjoy him while you can” or “They’re only little once”.
Albeit coming from a loving place, I tend to find this comment a bit insidious. Nothing personal, I know people are just trying to remind me how I’ll eventually come to miss how cute and loving he is at these young stages…. But still, it never sits right and also I just like thinking about words 😄 so here are some of the questions/considerations that come to mind from the least to the most problematic
1: They’re only little once. Indeed. All ages are fleeting. All stages of life are only lived once. everything in life is impermanent. This is like a completely moot point for me. I live every day fully knowing it will never come back. I don’t tend to feel regret or longing for times gone by precisely because I allow myself to feel so truly and so deeply. I let experiences wash over me in their totality, the good and the bad, so that I always know I was all I could be at any given time… hopefully this quality continues to accompany me in life.
2: While I can… why do we say this, as if we could only enjoy them as young children? Can’t we enjoy them as adults too? I feel like my parents and I still have an enjoyable relationship and that’s sort of what I’m working towards. I didn’t have a child “to have a child” but to create an adult.. Does this make sense? I dream of the day I have with Jasper what my parents have with me. A true friendship in which both sides can see themselves in the other. I see them in me and I think they can see my brother and me in them too. How we’ve affected each other, how we’ve cultivated each other. I think that must be more beautiful than a million years of toddlerhood.
3: and last but not least… I do enjoy him! Of course I do! I feel this “invitation” to enjoy my son a bit condescending, and a bit unfair, and ultimately deflecting from the point at hand. If I’m speaking of these matters it is NOT to take away from the experience of being a mother but to ADD to it. To make the discussion around motherhood deeper, richer, more complex. If I’m not constantly posting about how much I enjoy him is because I think that as a society we talk about that enough. I share my moments of joy in other ways because I don’t think there’s anything there to talk about. Joy is flow, joy is simple..
Being told to enjoy him falls a bit flat and I think it just comes to prove we’re terrified of having discussions about how difficult being a mother really is, and constantly trying to minimise or overlook the level of upheaval that becoming a mother brings to a woman’s life. And to me this is problematic. Women need to hear this. Women need to know this. Women need to be able to share this without people retorting “yes, yes very sad whatever but you must enjoy this”. Because only when we are able to recognise our struggles in other mothers is that we can move past the shame and the guilt; only then can we feel hopeful, feel normal, feel -god forbid- that we are good mothers and good women and good human beings despite our challenges and shortcomings. So next time a woman opens up about how hard it is for her to parent, please think twice before saying these words. Maybe instead you could say something like “each age comes with its difficulties but also with its truly beautiful and unique gifts. It’s hard to make sense of it all when you’re in the midsts of it but one day you’ll look back and feel like it went really quick!! And who knows, you may even come to miss it. You’re doing a great job, just take it one day at a time”
Yes … it’s awful long and it’s always easier to say “enjoy him while you can”, but there we go ✌️
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