You might not think of yourself as someone who lacks confidence.
Maybe you've managed a career. Become a mother. Had difficult conversations. Made decisions. Dealt with things you never imagined you'd have to deal with. And yet, somewhere during perimenopause or menopause, you may have started to feel different.
Perhaps you hesitate before speaking in a meeting, find yourself worrying about what other people think or don't feel as comfortable socially as you once did. You might avoid things you would previously have enjoyed. Or perhaps it's harder to put your finger on.... and you simply don't feel quite as sure of yourself anymore.
If that sounds familiar, you're not imagining it. And it doesn't necessarily mean that you've somehow become less confident.
Confidence isn't just about how capable you are
We often think of confidence as a personality trait - you're either a confident person or you're not. But confidence is much more changeable than that. It can be affected by how you're feeling physically, how well you're sleeping, how much energy you have, how comfortable you feel in your body and how you interpret what's happening around you.
So when several things change at once, it's hardly surprising that confidence can wobble. This is one reason menopause can have a bigger effect on confidence than you might expect.
When you don't feel quite like yourself
One of the things women often describe during peri-menopause is a feeling of being different from the woman they used to be.
You may be more emotional than usual, or more easily overwhelmed. You might struggle to concentrate or find words that once came easily. You may be sleeping badly and feeling exhausted before the day has properly begun.
Perhaps your body has changed too... you might have gained weight, developed symptoms that make you feel self-conscious, or simply stopped feeling comfortable in your clothes.
None of these things automatically means your confidence will disappear, but together, they can change the way you see yourself. And when you don't quite recognise yourself, confidence can take a knock.
The effect of poor sleep
It's difficult to feel confident when you're exhausted. If you've been waking several times a night, lying awake in the early hours or struggling with night sweats, you may be starting each day with fewer physical and emotional resources than you used to have. Even a situation that you'd previously have handled without much thought can suddenly feel like a much bigger deal.
However, that doesn't mean you've become less capable. You may simply be operating with a very different amount of energy.
Your inner critic gets louder
Another change some women notice is becoming much more self-critical.
You might find yourself thinking:
- I sounded stupid.
- Everyone else seems to know what they're doing.
- I don't look like I used to.
The problem isn't that we're having these thoughts - everyone has self-doubt from time to time. It's what happens when we start treating every thought as though it's a fact.
A thought such as “I don't feel confident today” can quietly become “I'm not a confident person anymore.”
That's a very different statement and it can begin to influence what you do.
Confidence can shrink when your world gets smaller
This is something I see quite often in my clinic.
You don't feel quite yourself, so you stop doing some of the things that used to make you feel like yourself. For example, you may turn down invitations because you're tired, or avoid speaking up because you're worried you'll lose your train of thought.
These type of decisions may seem particularly significant on their own, but over time, your world can become a little smaller. And the less often you do something, the less confident you may feel about doing it. It's a surprisingly easy cycle to get into.
Menopause can affect confidence at work too
For some women, this is particularly noticeable professionally.
You may have spent years building expertise and experience, yet suddenly find yourself worrying that people will notice you're struggling with concentration or memory. Or you may hesitate to contribute in meetings because you can't quite find the words quickly enough. Perhaps you're worried about making mistakes, or you're comparing yourself with the woman you were five or ten years ago.
If this is the case, it's worth remembering that competence and confidence aren't the same thing. You can be highly capable and still feel uncertain, because the feeling doesn't necessarily tell you the truth about your ability.
What about confidence in relationships?
Confidence isn't only about work or social situations -it can affect relationships too.
You may feel less comfortable expressing what you want or need. Perhaps you're more sensitive to criticism or rejection. Changes in libido, body image or the physical symptoms of menopause can also affect how comfortable you feel being close to someone.
Sometimes women become very good at looking after everyone else while quietly losing touch with themselves, and that can have an effect on confidence too.
You may need to start asking yourself a slightly different question: What do I want? Not 'what should I want?', or 'what does everyone else need?', but 'what do I want?'
So how do you rebuild confidence?
You don't necessarily need to become a completely different person. In fact, I don't think confidence is about becoming louder, more outgoing or endlessly positive.For many women, it's more about reconnecting with the parts of themselves that have become harder to access.
So, start small:
- Do something you've been avoiding.
- Say what you actually think.
- Accept an invitation you would normally decline.
- Wear something you like rather than something you think makes you look smaller.
- Take up something you used to enjoy.
- Ask for help when you need it.
And notice what happens when you do. Confidence tends to grow through experience and you don't always have to feel confident before you take action. Sometimes you take the action first, and the confidence catches up afterwards.
Be careful what you make menopause mean
There's another piece of this that I think deserves attention. If you're struggling with confidence, it's easy to create a story around what's happening.(I'm getting old... I'm not as attractive anymore... I'm not as capable as I used to be...)
Those thoughts can feel very convincing when you're tired and uncomfortable, but they're interpretations, not facts.Menopause is a period of change. It isn't a verdict on your worth, your attractiveness, your intelligence or your future.
You are still you. You may simply be getting to know a slightly different version of yourself.
How hypnotherapy can help with confidence
Confidence isn't something I would try to 'install' with a few positive affirmations, because if you don't believe the words you're saying to yourself, repeating them can sometimes feel hollow.
Hypnotherapy can work at a different level by helping you explore some of the thoughts, expectations and learned responses that influence how you see yourself.
For example, you may have spent years putting other people's needs first or have become very self-conscious about your appearance. Perhaps you've even stopped trusting your own judgement. These patterns aren't necessarily conscious. And you don't have to know exactly where they came from before you can begin to change them.
Hypnotherapy can provide a quiet space to step back from those patterns and develop a more balanced relationship with yourself. Not an artificially confident version of you... Just you, with a little more trust in yourself.
You haven't lost yourself
If your confidence has changed during menopause, it can be tempting to think that the old you has disappeared. I don't think that's necessarily true.
You may be tired. You may be dealing with symptoms you've never experienced before. Your body and hormones may be changing, and perhaps some parts of your life are changing too. Of course that can affect how you feel about yourself, but confidence isn't something you're either born with or permanently lose. It can change, and it can change again.
Sometimes the first step isn't becoming more confident, rather it is stopping and asking yourself: “What has changed, and what do I need now?”
From there, you can begin to find your way back to yourself and perhaps discover that the woman you become isn't a less confident version of the woman you were. Perhaps she's simply a woman who knows herself a little better.
Could hypnotherapy be right for you?
Perhaps you've been telling yourself that you should just get on with it. Perhaps you've already tried a few things and you're still struggling with a change in confidence, poor sleep, anxiety or hot flushes. Or perhaps you simply want to feel a little more like yourself again.
You don't have to find one perfect solution. Menopause is different for every woman, and there are different ways of supporting yourself through it. Hypnotherapy may be one of those ways.
If you're in the UK and would like to explore whether it could be helpful for you, I offer a free 30-minute initial consultation via Zoom or a phone call. There's no pressure to know exactly what you need before you get in touch - we can simply have a conversation about what's been happening and what you'd like to feel different.
⭐ N.B. You can also explore my popular menopause hypnotherapy audio recordings if you'd prefer to begin at home, in your own time.