Sometimes, the traits people loved most about you were actually just the different hats you learned to wear — for praise, or even survival.
You were the one who never needed help. Never made a fuss. Always held it together. Maybe no one said it directly, but the message was clear: You were valued for how well you carried everything — and everyone.
But now? Those roles feel more like a cage than a compliment.
Letting go of that version of yourself can feel like betrayal — not just to others, but to the part of you that survived by playing those roles so well. This is the discomfort of the identity shift: when you're no longer willing to contort yourself for praise, but you're also not fully sure who you are without those hats.
From an NLP lens, those roles were installed patterns, often coded in early through praise, fear, or expectation. Sure, they served a purpose — but they weren’t conscious choices.
From a Shadow Work lens, it is not that you are doing something wrong now — it’s that you are finally ready to reclaim the parts of yourself that got suppressed to play those roles.
Real-World Examples
- You were the emotional caretaker — now you’re burnt out and resentful.
- You were the overachiever — now you fear slowing down will make you "less worthy."
- You were the peacekeeper — now you’re choking on your silence.
What looks like people-pleasing, perfectionism, or hyper-independence… Is often a coping mask that once kept you safe. But what kept you safe then might be keeping you stuck now.
Quick Framework: Reclaiming Identity
NLP Insight: These patterns were installed — not consciously chosen. They were coded in early by praise, fear, or expectation. You have the power to uninstall and create new ones.
Shadow Work Insight: The parts of you that didn’t "fit those roles" got buried. Healing is not about becoming someone new — it is unearthing what was hidden to survive.
You’re not breaking down — you’re breaking free.
If you’re new to this shift — or right in the thick of it — moving from performance to presence, I’ve created a powerful toolkit of resources (including my newest workbooks) to help you break the loop and rebuild your identity from the inside out.