You were taught that love had to be earned.
Through helping. Through fixing. Through softening your edges just enough so no one would feel threatened by you. But here’s the thing: Relationships are not hospitals. And you are not a nurse on call for everyone else’s pain.
Love Doesn’t Require A Resume
Somewhere along the line, you got the message that being “good enough” meant being useful.
So you showed up as:
- The fixer
- The emotional sponge
- The unlicensed therapist
- The one who knows how to “de-escalate” everything
- The one who never brings the problem - just solves it
You learned to feel valued for what you could do - not for who you were. And deep down, that kind of relating wires itself into the nervous system that’s always performing.
Even if it’s subtle, you know the feeling:
- Saying “I’m fine” when you’re absolutely not 🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♂️
- Minimizing your needs so no one thinks you’re “difficult”
- Confusing connection with obligation
- Feeling pressure to “keep the peace,” even when it costs your voice
- Feeling like you owe someone just because they chose to love you
- Carrying guilt anytime you even think of saying “no”
That’s not intimacy. That’s identity maintenance. The internal nervous system / emotional tells (the stuff happening inside you).
Healing ≠ Self-Extraction
You were never supposed to heal yourself in the relationship just to be lovable. And you were definitely not meant to heal them just to feel needed.
That’s called Survival Bonding. It happens when love gets tangled up with usefulness - when you believe you must perform, fix, or shrink in order to “deserve” connection. But survival bonding isn’t intimacy. It’s endurance. And endurance is not love.💔
The kind of love you’re looking for doesn’t require you to bleed yourself dry. It asks only for presence, honesty, and choice. Codependent bonds often form under the label of “support.” But support without boundaries becomes fusion. And fusion kills clarity.
You don’t get to know who you are when every reaction is filtered through someone else’s emotional state.
Attachment Patterns In Action
If you tend to:
- Over-explain your feelings
- Try to preemptively stop conflict before it happens
- Or feel guilty when you can’t solve someone’s pain…
That’s often an anxious attachment pattern at play. On the flip side, if you shut down, withdraw, or avoid vulnerability… that’s usually avoidant attachment showing up. Neither makes you “bad” or “broken.” They’re just learned adaptations over time - old scripts we keep repeating to ourselves. If you don’t recognize them, you’ll keep confusing intensity for intimacy - and self-erasure for love.
Boundaries In Relationships
Boundaries aren’t a romance-killer. They’re a romance-protector.
So when you say:
“I need a day to myself.”
Or:
“I won’t continue this conversation if there’s yelling.”
That’s not you putting a distance between yourself and them - that’s clarity. Boundaries create the conditions where real closeness can happen - without resentment, guilt, or fear. Love without boundaries eventually leads to friction - which eventually breeds burnout.
Relationships Aren’t Meant To Complete You
This isn't some Hollywood movie... "He just needs some fixing." or "She makes me want to be better." People are not projects nor to make you feel as if they are the other "missing half".
They are meant to meet you where you already are. Two people. Two paths. Two independent identities coming together.
Real connections sounds more like:
- “How can we support each other?” not “How can I fix you?”
- “Where are we growing together?” not “How do I shrink to stay?”
- “What do you need right now?” not “How do I abandon myself for harmony?”
The most healing relationships do not put the healing on you. They create a space where your nervous system doesn’t feel like it’s constantly under fire.
Micro-Moments Of Performing In Love
You don’t have to be in some full-blown toxic relationship to notice the small ways you perform for love. These are external behaviors / visible actions (the stuff others see you do).
It can show up in day-to-day moments like:
- Laughing at jokes that don’t land, just to avoid awkwardness
- Nodding along in conversations when you actually disagree
- Saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t (insert that gif in your mind here)
- Crowd favorite: saying “yes” to plans you didn’t even want in the first place 👎🏻
- Pretending you just don’t have needs, so no one accuses you of being “too much”
Each moment chips away at your sense of self ever so slightly - making each moment tiny whispers of the same false story:
“Love is earned through self-erasure.”
What You Are Allowed To Do In Love
- Rest. Not just give.
- Ask for clarity. Not just interpret their breadcrumbs.
- Say “I need a moment” without guilt.
- Receive. Without needing to perform for it.
You don’t need to prove your worth in love. You only need to reclaim the parts of you that were taught to settle for survival bonding.
Want To Go Deeper?
The Relationships Workbook will help you unhook from codependent patterns, stop confusing love with obligation, and build connections that are rooted in clarity - not performance.
The Relationships Workbook will help you:
– Identify codependent patterns that drain your self-worth
– Unhook from survival bonding and old attachment scripts
– Build relationships rooted in clarity, reciprocity, and respect
You are not here to fix others to earn love — you are here to meet love as your whole self.
🖤