You’re Not Nice… You’re Just Accommodating
There’s a difference.
Kindness > alignment? That’s power.
But kindness > fear? That’s depletion dressed-up all fancy as virtue ✨.
People-pleasing isn’t always so obvious.
You’ve been called:
– Easygoing
– Helpful
– Supportive
– Low-maintenance
– The glue that holds it all together. ("It" being the friend groups, family, job, etc.)
But hunny-boo… that glue is so old and worn out that it’s disintegrating… and for your highest good too… Or maybe it’s like a damn, and that damn is about to break because the weight is becoming unbearable. You’re done being “the nice one” “the agreeable one” “the problem solver / fixer”.
Which one are you?
There are various ways it can show up in our lives.
It can look like showing up like; a smile on your face but knots of anger in your stomach. Sometimes it sounds like, “It’s fine, I’ve got it,” when you’re one more ask away from snapping, because it's not fine and you DON'T got this.
We call it kindness, compassion, and being “easy going.”
You think you’re tired because you’re doing too much?? Doubtful.
Question to ask yourself; what if you’re actually exhausted from always being too agreeable?
Do you feel that kind of tiredness that doesn’t go away after one or two good nights rest? Even after 10 hours of sleep? It’s that kind of fatigue that settles in your bones… because you’ve been showing up as the version of you that makes everyone else comfortable.
But really? When your kindness becomes a performance, your nervous system pays the price. It’s the system’s way of negotiating for safety. And yes - it IS freaking out. Hello cortisol levels…
You Said Yes Because It Was Easier Than Explaining Your No…
Raise your hand ✋🏻 and be honest… How many times have you agreed to something and then instantly regretted it??
But yet you followed through with it anyway because you “didn’t want to make it a thing” because “it’s not a big deal…”? Or maybe you soften your tone, shrink your needs, or over-explain a boundary just to keep the vibe light? Heaven forbid you inconvenience someone else 🙄.
But yeah, that’s called survival conditioning, not emotional intelligence. And slowly over time, you
learn (the hard way) that it’s one of the fastest ways to burn out. Not because you are doing too much, but because you’re doing too much from misalignment.
All too often I hear: “I do everything for my family, I have no time to myself. I’m so exhausted - I have nothing left to give” or “I spend everything on others, but feel bad for getting something for myself”. You naturally want to care for others, which is great! But when is enough too much?
On a scale of 1 to burnout, is the number already higher than 10?
This is the quiet burnout that no one talks about (or avoids talking about… to others… out loud). Not because it’s not real - but because it’s so normalized, most people don’t even question it. Let’s change that - shout it from the rooftop if you need to.
I DESERVE PEACE TOO!
This Is Fawning. And It’s Not Your Fault.
In nervous system terms, this is called the fawn response - the urge to appease, smooth, and pacify as a trauma-adaptive response. You might not even know you’re doing it until the resentment hits. Or until your body shuts down… because the cost of placating to others is too damn high.
Not because you’re weak. Nope - that’s not it. But instead, at some point, your safety depended on it. It probably started early on where there were certain conditions put in place for you to feel loved or safe. And when that performance gets rewarded - when being agreeable earns praise, affection, or connection - it wires itself in. It becomes a role. And over time, the line between your identity and that performance gets blurry.
Until burnout hits. Not the loud kind - the silent kind. The one where your energy collapses inward. Where your “yes” feels heavy and your body starts to revolt. You can’t even tell if you’re mentally / emotionally / physically drained, done pretending that you're "ok", or just tired of peoples shit all together...
You’re Allowed To Disappoint People. Here’s Your Permission Slip… 🎫
True kindness doesn’t come from self-abandonment. And true strength doesn’t mean being the one who always holds it together. It comes from your internal rootedness - the kind that says,
“I can care about you without betraying me.”
You’re allowed to:
-- Be honest without being harsh
-- Say “no” without apologizing
-- Stop over-explaining yourself (and needs)
-- Pause instead of pushing through
-- Let people feel whatever they feel - other people's feelings are not your responsibility
You’re not here to make everyone comfortable - that’s not realistic. You’re here to live in your alignment, however that looks best to you.
And yeah… sometimes that means being misunderstood, misread, or even… disliked 🤷🏻♀️.
But that moment you stop performing… is the moment you start finding your internal clarity.
I tell people all the time, it’s OKAY to be selfish, but in a healthy manner. Look after yourself, your needs, and ensure YOUR cup is full first. Ever heard the saying… put your oxygen mask on first before helping others?
If that landed a little too hard… you’re not alone. We’ve all been there in one form or another, one extreme or another. The good news is: people-pleasing is not your personality.
It’s a learned pattern. And patterns can be re-written.
My People-Pleasing Workbook is designed to help you identify where these patterns come from, and walk you through how to shift them using grounded reflection, shadow work, and coaching tools. But even if all you do today is say no once - that’s half the battle right there. Proud of you.
🖤