Grief is a multifaceted emotional response to loss or the anticipation of loss. Grief is a a natural reaction to changes or events that have a huge impact on our lives. Grief usually engulfs us when we have experienced loss. This loss could be the passing of a loved one, a breakup, losing a job, or even the diagnosis of a disease or illness. Grief can manifest in many ways which can be very different for individuals. You may experience anger, guilt, sadness, loneliness, and confusion. You may also experience physical symptoms like lethargy or a loss of appetite.
Everyone will grieve differently. There are no right or wrongs when we go through this experience. If you are in a relationship it is especially worth knowing this fact. Some people will feel grief straight away where their partner might have a delayed response. If one partner has a delayed grief the other partner may see them as being cold or heartless. The more obvious reason for this is because they might be in denial about the event and they are not ready to process the emotion yet. They may need some more time but they will eventually experience grief. The important part here is to communicate where you are both at because you both need to support each other through this very uncertain time.
I can’t stress enough the importance of seeking out some emotional support to get you through the experience of grief. I personally found mine through family and friends. You may need to find this through a counsellor or a professional that is experienced in dealing with grief if you don’t have people close to you that you feel comfortable opening up to. If possible try to find someone that has been through the grief of losing a child. Only they will truly understand what you are going through.
For the men reading this…swallow your pride and ask for help! This in non-negotiable! This is one thing in life you won’t get through alone.
One massive point worth noting for men when dealing with losing a child is that most people are not well enough attuned to understand that you are also dealing with a loss. Most people will ask how the mother is and forget to ask dad how he is doing. Don’t take this too personally. Understand that you both played very different roles throughout the child’s life. Mum carried the baby 24/7 through the term of pregnancy so had a much stronger bond with the child. The child felt everything mum experienced and vice versa. Unfortunately we live in a society where men are meant to be strong and not show their emotions. You just need to find men that have experienced or are experiencing what you are going through. Sadly there are a lot of them out there.
People you know will also have very different ways of dealing with your loss. Some people you were very close to may become very distant. This is usually because they don’t know the right words to express to you how they are feeling about your loss and they don’t want to say the wrong thing and upset you. Don’t write them off and become angry at them. You may have to be the one to reach put to them when you are ready and let them know you are ok and that they can talk to you. If you experience someone close to you suffering a loss all they need to hear from you is these words “Sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you”. Most of the time the only thing they need from you will be a hug.
I don’t need you to understand what I am going through. I hope you never will. I just need to hear from you occasionally to know that you care.
One of the toughest aspects of dealing with grief for me was missing all the “first’s” for our child. Depending on what point in time you lose your child will determine what first’s you will miss out on seeing. Alternatively if you lost an older child then you have all these firsts to remember. Fortunately I can’t comment on what it’s like to have memories of the experiences you had with your child. Each has it’s own set of emotions to deal with. Only a parent that has experienced both sides can comment on if either experience is worse than the other.
Comments ()