If you’ve been following along, you know it’s been a rough ride lately. We’ve talked about the physical crash, the spiritual paralysis, the heavy energy of the Meat, and the desperate, failed attempts to force alignment in a Swedish supermarket.
I’ve been incredibly vulnerable here, admitting to a darkness and despair that took me by complete surprise. I found myself relapsing into old food addictions, searching for comfort in textures and tastes my body had already rejected, all while a tiny voice in my head kept screaming: "I don’t belong here."
So now we arrive at the question. The absolute hardest one of them all.
How do you actually give yourself unconditional love when you feel like complete shit?
It’s easy to love yourself when you are glowing on a beach in Zanzibar, radiating queen energy. But loving yourself in the gray vacuum of a Swedish living room, surrounded by anxiety, after having just eaten everything you said you wouldn’t? That requires a completely different kind of strength.
Learning a language you were never taught
Here is the raw truth: I don’t have a blueprint for this. Like many of you, I didn’t receive unconditional love as a child. I didn’t grow up with a soft safety net that whispered, “You are worthy just because you exist, even when you mess up.” Instead, I learned that love was conditional. It was based on performance, on being a "good girl," on staying strong, and on looking perfect.
So today, trying to love myself through a breakdown feels like trying to speak a language I have never heard. I am a blind guide, trying to map out a territory I’ve never seen.
When you don’t know what unconditional self-love actually feels like in your bones, you have to start by defining what it isn’t.
Love is not a reward for good behavior
Unconditional love is not a prize you win once you’ve healed your triggers, stopped your cravings, and fixed your life. It is not something you earn when you finally get off the couch and start meditating again.
Unconditional love is the exact moment you stop fighting the reality of where you are.
It’s understanding that in that kitchen, standing there with the heavy wave of guilt rising in your chest, instead of joining the inner critic in beating yourself up, you pause. You take a breath. And you say to your panicked nervous system: “I see you. You are terrified, you are exhausted, and you reached for comfort in a way you knew how. It’s okay. I am still here. I am not leaving you.”
Being your own safe space
As I wrote in a previous post, your only job right now might just be to sit with the feelings. Your emotions are here for a reason; they have a purpose. Your body and soul have been through tremendous transition, and they need time to catch up.
Forcing yourself to be okay when you are not is just another form of rejection.
If you find yourself numbing the pain with food, with distracting activity, or with doom-scrolling, yes, it slows the process down. But unconditional love is refusing to abandon yourself, even in the moments you try to avoid. Stop the guilt trip. Be gentle with your journey. We are here to grow and to learn, and that means making mistakes. That’s the point. We are simply doing the best we can with the tools we have in this moment.
Self-love means stopping the comparisons—not just with others, but with your former self. My skin might be dry. My energy is low. I might feel like a nobody compared to the badass queen I was a few weeks ago. But the soul that experienced the magic of Zanzibar is the exact same soul sitting on this couch today. The magic didn’t leave me; it’s just integrating in a very challenging environment.
If you are out there right now, staring at your own reflection and feeling like you are failing your own spiritual journey—stop. Breathe. You don't need to know the whole language of self-love yet. You just need to learn the first word: Acceptance.
Hold space for your darkness, your mess, and your gray days. That is where the real crown is forged.
Please remember that even with my certifications and training, I am no master at this. I am not a flawless expert with all the answers. These deep transformations and sudden shifts are brand new to me as well, and I am navigating this terrain one shaky step at a time. I don't have it all figured out, but I am committed to this messy, beautiful journey of trust. My hope is that by sharing my struggles, even if just one single person reads this and feels less alone on their own path, then I am content.
You are not alone in this.
Stay fierce, especially in the trenches,
Love /Olga
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