DEAR MAN - DBT Skills Sheet

DEAR MAN One-Sheet

Ask for what you need, or say no, and keep your cool.

Asking for something, or turning something down, can feel harder than it should. DEAR MAN is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill that gives you a script, so you’re not scrambling for words when it counts. It won’t guarantee a yes, but it gives you the best shot while protecting the relationship and your self-respect.

What’s inside

• DEAR, what you say: Describe the facts like a camera would, Express your feelings with “I feel” and “I want,” Assert by asking clearly, and Reinforce by explaining how it helps them too.
• A worked example running through every step, from “The last three weekends, our plans changed the morning of” to “Can we lock in our plans by Thursday night?”
• MAN, how you say it: stay Mindful with the broken record technique, Appear confident in your tone and posture, and Negotiate by offering another solution or a smaller ask.
• What matters most here? A quick check on whether your top priority is getting what you asked for, keeping the relationship strong or keeping your self-respect, so you know how hard to push.
• A “Your Turn” script builder: a line for each letter, ready to practice out loud before the real conversation.

Who it’s for

Teens and adults working on assertiveness, people-pleasing, conflict or speaking up with family, friends, partners, teachers or coworkers. It’s useful for therapists, school counselors and DBT skills groups.

Ways to use it

• Script a real conversation in session, then role-play it.
• Prep for a hard talk with a parent, partner, teacher or boss.
• Teach interpersonal effectiveness in DBT skills groups.
• Use it with Boundaries 101 when a limit needs a bigger conversation.

Why it’s different

It makes eye contact optional (“if it’s comfortable for you”), uses calm, real-life examples, and treats asking for what you need as a skill anyone can learn, not a personality trait.

What you get

A one-page printable PDF, US Letter, available as an instant download. It’s based on DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills (Linehan, 2015). Single-clinician license included.

Pairs well with: DEAR MAN Skill Guide, Boundaries 101, Feelings + Needs Inventory