DEAR MAN Skill Guide + Practice Page

DEAR MAN Skill Guide + Practice Page

A simple structure for asking, saying no, and staying steady.

The goal isn’t to win. It’s to be clear, stay steady and give yourself the best shot at getting your need met while keeping the relationship and your self-respect intact. This two-page DBT skill guide teaches each step of DEAR MAN, then gives you a full practice page to plan a real conversation before it happens.

What’s inside

Page 1: The skill

• DEAR, what you say: Describe (just the facts), Express (your feelings, using “I”), Assert (ask clearly, or say no clearly) and Reinforce (why it’s worth it for them).
• MAN, how you say it: stay Mindful on your goal, Appear confident in your own way, and Negotiate to give and get.
• What it can sound like: a full example script, from describing the problem to offering a middle ground.
• When to use it: asking for help, setting a boundary, turning down a request, raising a problem, or asking for a change at home, work or school.
• A script, not a test: you don’t have to say it perfectly or use every letter.

Page 2: Putting DEAR MAN into practice

• Before you start: the situation, your goal, and what matters most (getting what you asked for, keeping the relationship strong or keeping your self-respect).
• Write your script: a line for each letter, including your broken-record line and what you’d be open to.
• After you try it: what happened, what went well even if you didn’t get the outcome, what you’d adjust, and a 0 to 10 effectiveness rating.

Who it’s for

Teens and adults building assertiveness and communication skills, especially people-pleasers and anyone who freezes or over-explains in hard conversations. It’s useful for therapists, school counselors and DBT skills groups.

Ways to use it

• Teach the full skill in session, then plan a real conversation on page 2.
• Role-play the script, then review it after the real conversation.
• Use page 2 again and again as a reusable planning sheet.
• Run it as a DBT group handout with a built-in homework page.

Why it’s different

It says outright that eye contact is optional and that confidence can look however it does for you. It focuses on what’s in your control, asking clearly and respectfully, rather than on whether you get a yes.

What you get

A two-page printable PDF, US Letter, available as an instant download. It’s based on DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills (Linehan). Single-clinician license included.

Pairs well with: DEAR MAN One-Sheet, Boundaries 101, Feelings + Needs Inventory