The Big Wide World

This is not just a story I have written, this is a point I would like to get across. I have struggled to let my voice be heard, and I truly believe that everyone deserves a voice. I understand there are many people who struggle in this world for there own reasons. Though some people may understand how feel and not know how to tell me or not want to. Everyone is different and that is okay, this is my story of how being born different to others has effected me and why.

The world can be a cruel and challenging place. But you should never give up on your dreams no matter who you are or were you are from. Just because people tell you to or you are different. I am hoping that by writing this, I will be able to get past everything that I am finding difficult. I have been told by some different people that writing it down does help…so here goes.

Though there is a lot to say on my life and what has happened, I would like you to know that everything I have written is true through my eyes. If anyone I know reads my book, they will have different opinions which is fine. Remember there are two sides to every story, it does not matter who you are. And even though I have a lot to say I can’t write down everything because there’s so much to say. There are some things I am uncomfortable mentioning but I have learned that that’s okay as well. Nobody should ever tell anyone things they don’t want to tell. Some things can and are private. But I will tell you the most important things that have happened in my life. And the parts I believe will help you understand my voice and hopefully help someone. It’s hard for me not to literally put every single part of my life down here. but I can’t because there’s to much, and not everything is important to the story either.

I would also like to say, though my book is targeted for a particular age. I am happy for younger children to read this book if they really want to. But I would suggest reading with an adult or letting your parents, guardians, carers or someone you trust to talk or explain some of the events I have written down. It does include self harm, sexual assault, bullying and other traumatic things along these lines so please, if anyone’s uncomfortable be careful reading the book if you choose to read it. I would never make anyone uncomfortable on purpose. Not everything in this book is happy but eventually I am determined to get my own happy ending.

(Start of story)

I remember being a very adventurous and energetic child. But I was also very sensitive and innocent. I struggled making friends though I had the most loyal and supportive family, and the handful of friends I had. When I finally became friends with them I invited them to parties and it seemed I had lots of friends coming when I was just a toddler until I was seven, my best friend was called Suzanne (not her real name) who excepted me for me. I remember going to Suzanne’s house a lot. She was always at the top of my list to send a Christmas, Easter or Halloween card. I also made friends with her family, she had a brother called Nate, a mother called Darci and a father called Kurt.

I loved to be with them and went to a children’s play areas called wacky warehouse and one round the corner to my house called Tumble Jungle. I loved playing pass the parcel and remember having this obsession with straws. So I had loads and loads of these plastic straws with animals and cartoons on them. Everyone won a small sweet or a lolly pop in pass the parcel. I learned that it was better to have a few handful of loyal friends, than a bucket load of fake friends who didn’t really care.

I used to attend ballet as a child. But didn’t like getting up so early for class. As an adult, ballet wasn’t for me anymore it was expensive and I didn’t enjoy it anymore. I had a clown cake as a small child so I wasn’t always so petrified of clowns, I feel as an adult I am now thanks to the horror movies like IT and this pedophile called Penny-whistle. I just started thinking randomly that clowns where evil. But I met a clown at a party it’s on one of my home videos. He got me to stand on a chair, I would have trusted him to stand up on a chair with my bad balance. Then he dropped my auntie Sharons gold watch and told me it broke and I did it. I remember being scared and starting to cry saying I didn’t over and over then running to Aunty Sharon. She called over to him that If he made one more kid cry she wouldn’t pay him, I am not sure if this was a joke or not, I was around five I think.

I had three different grandads and a nanny we visited sometimes. I remember drawing a lot on the kitchen table and trying to write stories at my nana’s and Grandads house. But I was a bit of a perfectionist, and I kept throwing paper balls in the bin, not happy with the writing I had done. I didn’t believe I was good enough to write or make films or movies, though I really wanted to become an Arthur and an actor when I grew up. I felt I was to young, even though my father told me the age wasn’t an issue.

The series called letter-land I loved so much was designed and created by a child I think around eight. I don’t remember the reason why, but I always wanted to be a firefighter as well. I wasn’t sure how but it was a dream of mine since I was six. I think I might have read a book or something and saw them as my hero’s, I was always a big fan of fireman Sam and postman pat as a child. My sister Kara preferred Thomas the tank engine. Mum said something about a parrot singing the theme tune or something. I found this really funny…

Grandad Joey I see a lot of photos of going places with him. I remember finding him very funny, I never judged him for being a bit slow and weird sometimes. I was the same way so I believed this was normal. I remember going to visit him in a care home and singing happy birthday with a big cake. There was two couples at the care home, and the wife hated children and would always shout at me and shoo me away because she didn’t want me there.

This was when I was just going to the toilet. The husband never really spoke but always looked like he had wanted to tell his wife to be quite and leave me alone. As an adult, I now understand that my grandad Joey had dementia which my mum later explained meant he was losing his memory. He was very ill and always thought I was his wife or somebody else instead of his granddaughter.

When I was seven, it was a school nurse who diagnosed me with dispracsia (a problem with my motor skills and coordination which effects my balance). This was why I fell over so much. I fell and ripped my tights at school everyday, I struggled to play hopscotch or jump rope, I couldn’t do gymnastics at all.

We went to see a doctor, I didn’t like this doctor at all. He told me I wouldn’t be able to do anything because I had dispracsia. I would never ride a bike or a horse like I wanted to. I remember thinking even at such a young age. “How dare this man. Who doesn’t know me. Tell me what I can and can’t do. If I want to do it I will.” It did sound like I was being nasty to the dr and giving him attitude. But I didn’t mean it like that I just wanted him to know I could do it. If you tell a young child they can’t do something, they start either screaming or doing it anyway, I was a person to just do it and show them they were wrong no matter who they were.

The nurse also diagnosed me with moderate learning difficulties. She was not clear on what learning difficulties I had. She just said I had moderate learning difficulties. Moderate means it isn’t very little difficulties I had or very severe, it was in the middle of the two. I felt I was stupid and I was the only one who had these problems. I had not met anyone with the same problems as me. I remember asking myself “why me” all the time.

I was diagnosed with Epilepsy as well by my doctor. Nocturnal, which means I had seizures in the middle of the night. Grandmal, which means I fall on the floor shaking in a full seizure. This doctor I really liked, she has a positive personality and is good with children. She explained to my mum to look at the positive side, like for example when she got me to thread some beads. My mum pointed out how much my hands were shaking…My doctor told her “But look at how well she is threading the beads.” She let me rant and get excited to her when I could do something and was proud of it. Whenever I went to the doctors it had to be her otherwise I was uncomfortable going, though I don’t think I said anything when I was uncomfortable I don’t remember. Though I know I screamed very loud when uncomfortable or angry or upset.

Mum told me off for it but the doctor told her it was good that I was talking about it and it would lift my confidence more. This dr was the one who explained to my mum that just because the hospital never got back to her, it didn’t mean I was okay and not sick. The doctor I did not like, very stupidly said I was fine and nothing was wrong, my mother told him if I was fine I wouldn’t be having seizures.

I love my mother, she is a good hearted woman. But she’s very over protective. I understand why, and she’s my mother who wouldn’t be protective over there children. Especially the baby of the family..which is me. She wasn’t happy with me going out on my own. I was allowed to ride my bike in the small street next to the house. Where all the adults could see me. I couldn’t go to the corner store on my own, and I didn’t have many friends anyway. I truly believed my mother wouldn’t let me do these things because I had “special needs” as everyone loved to call it. My mum helped me clean my room, and I had a star chart where I got a star if I was good and a treat if I was good all week.

I was definitely daddy’s little girl. I still have photos of us both in my baby book and my favourite is a photo of him holding me and pretending to feed me diet coke…much to my mother’s frustration. I laminated it so it would break. I find the photo so funny that I am now addicted to the stuff as an adult. I always sat with him while he taught me to make daisy chains. I was awful at it but had so much fun. I tried making him tea and coffee I wasn’t good at that either never have been. I made one really good coffee according to my dad. But could for some reason never was able to make it that good again.

I loved my grandads Joesph and Joey dearly as well. I always went to Grandad Joseph’s house to visit him. Normally playing with his cards, eating his food and mostly watching cartoons. I loved to watch the smurfs, boomerang, fox kids you name it I watched it. I wasn’t like a normal child who loved Mary poppies though. Actually I was terrified of Mary Poppins thinking she was an evil witch. But I watched this film called Nemo in slumberland, which would terrify any little kid. With wide curious eyes and a smile on my face. Even when he was in this place called nightmare land.

Grandad would always tell me when a movie he thought I would like was on and what time and number. My dad would record them and put them on DVDS for me. Which I still have to this day. I liked talking to him everyday on the phone, telling him all about how naughty my older sister had been and what she’d done. I didn’t mean it in a malicious way I just like to tell him everything.

My dad always sang me this poem about me which I loved. It went..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
But not as sweet as you..

My brother Darrel my oldest sibling, and at the moment the most successful in my eyes. As a child my brother was in his room a lot with the door shut for privacy. I remember him helping me with lots of things. Getting me expensive series of DVDs and also DVDs I really wanted and I have kept to this day, and taking me to the few places like he park. He gave me his gameboy but I left it in a bag when I went to Camelot, and even though they promised to look after it they threw it away not even giving it to charity. I would have felt better if they gave it to children or animals in need. He once got me a rabbit I loved as well, not as much as my other rabbit of course. I called her flopsy after Peter Rabbits little sister, I couldn’t find rabbit at the time forgetting I left him on my parents bed and wouldn’t touch her until I found him again. This is a present my parents got me he’s very sentimental and I still have him to this day..he’s very old but still the same old rabbit.

I also remember a car crash of some sort. My brother and I were the only ones in the car. I don’t remember this very well, but I think I was talking a lot. I was always talkative loud and bubbly. A sudden bang happened and I felt the seatbelt cutting threw my stomach slightly. I was sitting in the front seat and I remember the police there talking to me and rubbing my sore stomach. I was fine and there was no mark. But I blamed myself for it for talking to much and distracting my brother. I promised him I wouldn’t speak as much again. It never happened as I loved talking but I felt I didn’t want to talk for a long time after that incident.

As we grew up, my brother has been there when we most need him. But I rarely get to see my brother. He’s busy working and as an adult he now has his own family and I never actually bonded with him as much as my older sister. I remember he used to have a girlfriend called Hope who sometimes tucked me in bed at bedtime and played with me. I remember going to her house and her garden only because of the photos with me and my father in.

My relationship with my sister Kerri and I always had a bit of a complicated relationship as children. We are the complete opposites of each other. She was independent, girly, confident and a bit of a “bad kid” and I heard her fighting with my parents all the time. She his cigarettes in her draw that I snitched on her for. While I was the loud boyish, not so confident, non independent and curious “good child” my teacher taught me bad language. She always got kicked out of schools but stuck up for herself when she felt an injustice was made. Kerri got me to drink vinegar when I kept bothering her about wanting diet coke, my mum yelled at her after and looked like she was going to force her to drink it to.

I wanted to help clean everything while Kerri didn’t. She’d tell mum I was to young to understand cleaning and hard work. (I wasn’t) But Kerri was really protective over me at the same time. She would scare kids who picked on me by just looking at them. So I was never picked on or looked at wrong when Kerri was around. I always wanted her to take me to school because of this. While I was always going to my parents if I was unwell, I went to my sister when I had nightmares. Kerri has never and still isn’t a person who likes hugs or to be touched. But when I need her she always hug me to make me feel safe. Unless I kicked to much then she kicked me out of her bed and I would go to mum and dad.

My favourite member of the family was he pet tortoise shell cat called Tibby. She hated me at first and sulked when I was born out of jealousy. She wouldn’t stay in the same room as me. But when she got used to me she was the most patient and loving cat I have ever known. I played with her a lot with her and remember dressing the poor thing in baby clothes and bonnet and put her in a Mickey Mouse pram. She was very protective of me she never would fight every cat and dog who came near me as she claimed me for her own. She walked with me and my mum to school everyday. I remember trying to talk to her after I saw her lying on my stomach looking at her after she tried to hurt this poor bird explaining that it wasn’t nice and not to do it. Dad put the little bird on a tissue and stretched his hand out, a few minutes later it flew away completely fine. Tibby would sit with me while I drew pictures with my precious toy stuffed rabbit I have owned since I was around seven years old. My sister tried to step on his head once after mum warned her how protective I was over it. Kerri did not listen and I had bit her on the ankle for it and she never did it again.

There is a photo of Tibby somewhere with her sitting on a orange and blue slide in our garden. I remember playing on a slide and kept coming back indoors to drink cartons of juice and needing mum to put another plaster on for another cut or graze. I preferred plaster to these horrible wipes that stung like heck. I called them dad’s wipes. (The disinfectant wipes, they sting on open wounds)

I always tried to get the cat to sleep with me in my bed so I would have company. I used to hide her behind my toys so mum wouldn’t notice her. I always had a problem getting to sleep. I was always caught. Once mum didn’t know but heard her crying to get out to go to the toilet. Though I never truly meant any harm to the cat as I always adored animals. I believe everyone felt so sorry for the poor kitty, she dealt with a lot in a patient way.

I never really had many friends as a child which I have mentioned. But I had this tea set and I remember having a tea party with my teddy’s and rabbit. They never judged me and I pretended they were real and my actual friends. I remember my parents giving me a bigger room, before they read a book saying that children with “learning difficulties” don’t like change. But I was always grateful for my new room, even if it took me a while to practise climbing on my much taller new bed. I had shelves of DVDs and videos. A tv in my room, loads of teddy’s, draws full of paper pens, recorder and so on. A computer, a video recorder and a DVD player. I was a lucky kid. I struggled to read and pronounce my words especially G and Y I constantly called grandad yandad and yellow I said lellow. I was very late with developing my speech. Though going to speech therapy classes seemed to help me a lot.

I got my first phone when I was eight years old. An orange brick like phone, I liked texting grandad a lot. I think I need that phone again as with the current mobiles I am constantly easily breaking them. While the old phones where as tough as nails. Though I will keep the modern mobile as I am definitely one of them people who is addicted to WiFi. I texted my family all the time. Playing this snake game constantly, I remember I had to press the same button around four times to get the letter I want. On the land line I knew to press the three number “call” “memory” and the number 9 before calling a number I wanted. Mobiles and phones have upgraded massively since that time. I knew my address perfectly and my mum and dads and grandads number. I don’t remember ever calling my sister. What I am trying to tell you is, I never realised just how clever I actually was as a child. I soaked information I was told like a little sponge like most children do. Though I understood very little over what people thought I needed to know at my age. I am a slower learner than others, which is okay but very annoying as well. I don’t get to keep up with other people..

I remember school. I liked listening to story’s by one of my favourite teachers. I am still friends with her now as an adult. I like sending her letters, cards, post cards. I liked painting and drawing, anything creative. I loved trains and played with a train on the floor constantly. I was good at maths and creative writing. I loved my food, I would never leave the table until I had finished.

I was incredibly sensitive and empathic towards everyone, not just people but animals as well. I remember my mum telling me my auntie Sara’s father had died. I cried loudly the whole way to her house. But I was also crying because I misunderstood who had passed on into heaven. I thought my uncle Fabian (not his real name) was gone, and I loved my uncle dearly but I for some reason thought he was auntie Sara’s father.

When I saw my uncle I ran up up him sobbing and as he lifted me up I told him mum had told me he was dead. Everyone found it very funny as my mother explained I must have thought that my uncle was aunts father and she was confused as to why I started crying so heartbroken. Thinking that I was just a emotional and caring little girl. Once I had calmed down and played with there dogs I saw the funny side as well.
Of course I wasn’t a perfect little girl. Like everyone does I have my moments, I still do as an adult now. I had this nasty habit of screaming and stomping by the stairs. I did do it because I wanted my own way, but other times I actually did this because I didn’t seem to have any idea how to communicate with my parents. I felt left out that I couldn’t do anything outside without supervision while both my siblings could. I felt horrible I was different and couldn’t understand why. And I had no idea how to tell my parents that. So my response to show them how unhappy I really was..was to scream shout and throw tantrums. This was not just when I was a baby and toddler. It didn’t matter how old I was this was how I dealt with my feelings.

I might remember a little about working on my maths. I remember these small books I worked on. Like going to a group or private school. I don’t remember any other children being there weirdly enough. I remember large printed sums I worked out, there were adds and takeaways and times tables, sometimes I got to pick a toy or prize if I got enough of the answers correct.

There was also some sort of place I went, I remember other kids being there this time. We played a game where we tangled ourself together holding hands, then we had to try to straighten ourself out without letting go of each other’s hands. It was like a game of tangled only there was no board game or coloured dots. I remember writing on this form, we had to write down what we would say to strangers if we asked these questions to us. As a child and young teenager I didn’t understand the real danger of strangers because I never got to live much experience. I answered every question honestly in great detail. I couldn’t understand why my parents laughed so
much. Or what I had done wrong. I had answered all the questions correctly hadn’t I?

I remember at my first school I wasn’t very happy. I would pretend I was ill and couldn’t go in. Or that I was struggling with the work. And all because of bullies. Some of my classmates, even though they knew I had these difficulties. Always called me nasty names like freak, stupid, useless and weird. No one wanted to play with me but Suzanne. I just read a book on a bench usually anyway. Staring at the clouds, or writing and drawing. They never let me join in there games. If the teacher got them to let me join in, they cheated on purpose or made the rules more complicated so I would get bored or upset and run off and not play. In PE class if we played football they would never pass me the ball. Or if they were playing football during break they would “accidently” back my towards the wall and kick the football towards me. I feared the ball would hurt me or hit my head.

I did tell the teacher what was going on. I told my parents as well. My mum said to ignore them and they were just scared of me and it didn’t matter. I know she meant well but my mum has obviously never encountered a school bully. I don’t know what the teacher I told said or did..but it just got worse. Because I was now a little tattle tale and a snitch. As well as getting called names I was pushed on the floor and called more names. Before they would run away laughing loudly like they’d just done the most fun thing ever. I vowed never to tell another teacher at this school when I was upset again. I didn’t.

I felt I had no one on my side. I mostly made friends with the teachers more than people my own age. I was so excited once when a child told me I was in her gang. She drew a black star on my hand to symbolise we were “friends” I was so excited I refused to wash it off in the shower when I got home. My mum was happy for me and agreed to leave it on, happy I finally made some friends. The next morning they told me the gang wasn’t there anymore, it had just been a game the day before. And they were just joking about being my friend, they asked who would want to be friends with a freak like me. Nothing could have emotionally hurt me as bad as that did as a child. I never forgot that.

There was one time I was invited to this little girls party. She was not a nice little girl. Her name was Hannah she told me she had only invited me because she was forced. That she wanted my sister to come but not me. Not that my sister would want to go to a silly children’s party at the time. I hated party’s anyway especially the balloons popping, the damage though was still done.

Hannah picked on me for believing in Santa for “to long” made me shout around the playground that I was a lesbian, which she told me was a beautiful princess. Suzanne told me what it did mean because she was a good friend. I felt embarrassed and betrayed that I fell for it. Hannah also made fun of me when I was ill and followed me to the toilets once saying I was disgusting as I threw up down the toilet. I had locked and shut the door. But she had climbed the door to stare and mock me anyway. Hannah also help another bully called Matt torture worms and insect by stretching them, pretending to eat them and stamping on them. Just because they knew how much it hurt and scared me to to see any creature in pain. I could almost feel there pain myself..as strange as that sounds to most people.

I tried to join in the bullying once, so I would fit in and I didn’t get disowned by everyone. But after doing it once I felt awful. I cried more than the victim did when I got home, I mean what did I just do. I wasn’t a bully I didn’t want to be like them. Why did I do that. I told my mum what happened and she got me to apologise to the boy I picked on along with everyone else, he forgave me. But he never looked at me the same way. I never looked at myself the same way either, I never joined in any sort of bullying again I would rather get beat up instead of another child.

I tried making new friends at after school club instead of my classmates. I figured out I liked to play on my own as well. I enjoyed playing with a doll house. Just organising and cleaning it, making it look like a real cozy home. Hannah and her friends always ruined my fun in different ways. But then they ruined my neatly organised house I had worked hard on by throwing plastic animals and furniture in the doll house. I refused to ever set foot in after school club again after only a few weeks of going.

We did a sports day event once at school, it had rained all night. So obviously the floor was very slippery. Every child fell playing and running apart from..me. Everyone asked how I could walk and run on the mud. I answered that the floor just felt normal to me, this was just how it felt everyday.

As a child I remember going to St Stephens church. I went to Sunday school. I had a CT scan at the hospital. My mum told me I was going threw an angel tunnel and would see lots of angels and fairies. Maybe I was scared or refused to go I don’t really remember why she said it. Well the doctors knocked me out before putting me threw (Gave me an injection to let me fall asleep. They did not hit me.) So I got upset, but then I went to sleep and someone called Mandy a friend of ours was there. She talked to me and calmed me down, then she told me to eat some toast. No one argued with this woman, she said jump you asked how high.

As I grew older I remember going to church at a Methodist over a bridge every Sunday. I fell of the stage playing on it around Easter. I ironically had a large bump on the right side of my temple that reminded me of an Easter egg. I always made these strange noises, Sometimes not even hearing them. And flapping my hands when I was excited or upset. I never knew why I just did it, it was normal to me. I loved acting in pantomimes every year, from a flower as a rainbow (a group for small children to play and be creative.) To being in the choir, being sneezy in Snow White and the seven dwarfs (I forget to sneeze though) and dressing up as a lamb and a rabbit. I enjoyed being on stage, of course I always felt slightly nervous to perform, everyone did. But I loved it. I made so many friends at church who tried not to judge me, but sometimes I felt they did even when they didn’t. I was so used to being judged I started thinking everyone judged me.

I moved schools when I was eight as well. I went to a “special school.” Now. At the time, I was so happy. I was happy I wasn’t the only kid who had something “wrong” with them. I had a lot of fun and found my love of reading as well as writing and drawing. As an adult, I am a bit bitter that I went to that school. I don’t blame my mother anymore because I have realised she did what she thought was best for me. The teachers felt I would progress with easier work, but I felt they gave up on me way to easily. I wasn’t struggling with work, I was struggling with all the bullies. That was the only reason I begged my mum that I needed to move schools. I believe as an adult that I could have gone to a proper school if I had more patient adults, I was slower at learning not completely stupid.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved that school most of the time. I still had my bad days and bullying was still happening. But a heck of a lot less frequently, I remember winning best student awards, getting stars on the board, learning about butterflies by getting caterpillars and feeding them, until they eventually turned into cocoons. We eventually watched them fly away to the clouds towards freedom. I wanted to be a butterfly, to go and get my freedom.

We coloured a lot and I learned that butterfly wings where identical to each other. I also remember everyone staring at me in amazement when I was reading these easy books they struggled on like I was a genius. I felt proud, I helped my classmates to read all the time. The teachers helped me with my writing, they told me I could be a good author because I made good story’s. I don’t remember what I wrote, but I do remember it being on the wall for a couple of years. I had written three full pages on the front and on the back.

We hatched little ducklings from eggs. I was always very curious about the incubator they were in and studied it drinking my milk after handing it around. We lost one duckling, for some reason it wouldn’t grow older and died. We watched the others grow up, teaching them to swim and playing with them. I would say there was around six of them after the little one died. We took them to a teachers friends farm, where they would be happy and swim all day. I won a lot of certificates and medals for good work and behaviour.

I felt appreciated for once, and all it took only pieces of paper with my name on to do that. I never lost my empathy though. I once won a golden chocolate rabbit. I was so proud of it, and I always loved chocolate. But not everyone won of course and there was one young boy who got upset over it and threw a fit. I knew the feeling of being left out, and after looking at my prize for a moment I smiled and gave him it to make him smile. He never thanked me but I was happy that he was happy.

I loved swimming lessons at school. I always had loved water and remember swimming as a five year old child. All the lifeguards I made friends with called me the small dot just swimming up and down. I did races and got Frosties badges and certificates, I still have them in a file. I won trophy’s for swimming I have on a shelf at home so I can see it. At school I could hold my breath for the longest underwater and could swim the fastest. But I never liked getting changed in front of people in the changing rooms or anywhere else. Because kids seemed to think I liked girls and stared at there chest while they changed. So I thought there was something wrong with a girl liking a girl. No one I knew in the school had the same sex partner.

I had a boyfriend when I was fourteen he was the first boyfriend I had. I had the teachers try to talk me out of dating him. And the police had to be called at one point because he touched me inappropriately in class. The police said I did the right thing by getting him away from me and telling them what happened. He tried to force me in a bathroom when I refused to give him what he wanted, I punched him and made his nose bleed. When I told my friend he punched him to and gave him a black eye. I didn’t have a lot of attention from this boyfriend and I would try giving him gifts on special occasions and invite him to places. But I don’t really remember being anywhere special with him or any dates outside of school.

My favourite teacher was my English teacher, all of my teachers where nice of course. But that certain teacher told me my true potential of writing and helped me publish a poem I had written. She allowed me to stay in and read quietly when I didn’t want to play outside. She had told me that she expected to see a book published by me one day, and she wanted to read it. I wrote a poem and it actually got published, my mum still has this book somewhere.

My mum had also hired a private teacher. I liked her, just like me she loved horses. She was a very patient woman, though I do feel a lot of people are more patient than my mum at times.

But I did have bullies at this school as well. I had older children torture bugs and worms by trampling on them, stretching them, and pretending to eat them as well. This happened at my old school to, there was one particular girl. She was half my size and she was completely horrible. She beat me up a few times, I had bruises. I did try to tell the teachers, they ignored me. So eventually after dealing with a lot of her I had finally had enough when she pushed me in the coat hangers in one of the school hallways.

I had pushed her back and given her a big bruise on her arm. The teachers where going to punish me for it and take me to detention. But I refused to go and told them to ring my mum if they had a problem with this. Not one teacher rang her, no one would mess with my mother. Probably because they just didn’t want to deal with the problem anymore as they were busy.

One girl I didn’t know whether we were friends or not. It was a sort of love and hate friendship. When she first arrived at my school, there was Samantha who was in a bad mood. When she told us all her name he called her “smarties” after her full name. We all laughed and I expected her to laugh to. It was so silly it couldn’t be seen as bullying just a joke right? Well she went nuts, she started screaming at all of us and called us nasty people.

I believe people call this getting triggered these days. The teacher told her to get out and have timeout to calm down. Because she wouldn’t and she was screaming in my face for some reason..I went out instead. Older students taunted at me and called me a “naughty girl” but when I told my teacher she told them off. The PE teacher was left confused asking them what that was about afterwards. The new student Samantha was called smarties by the entire school until she graduated after that. Because they loved her reactions so much.

I tried to befriend Patti a few times, helping her with singing in front of everyone when she had stage fright, giving her hugs, talking to her, sharing some sweets with her and even showing her around school. But every time I tried she swore at me and stomped off. So I found her very immature and eventually lost interest in playing with her. She told everyone I bullied her, the bullies I had laughed at her and told her it was a good thing and they could pick on us both. My friends, even the kids who didn’t know me as much, they never believed her. They told Patti I was just not that sort of person and shouldn’t lie. I have no idea why. But I felt so very sorry for the girl.

I actually had problems with the taxi drivers that took me to school as well. I was in heartbroken tears when I was only ten years old. Because it was an adult my mum was going to go out, she was going to ask the driver who was the one with learning difficulties. Him or me.

I was given these classes at school, where they would help me to catch a ball. Do games to help me with my memory, and I got insoles for my shoes. I got a dolphin teddy to help with my temper as well. I had started biting people and pushing them away when I felt threatened. I enjoyed acting at school and found out I had a good singing voice, so I joined the choir. I was also voted to be the leader of the school council, I spoke to everyone about what students mentioned they were struggling with and what needed to be changed, I was a prefect..which meant I could help people speak up when they needed something, or wanted to speak to me instead of a teacher.

I faced my fear of the log flume and some roller coasters when we went to a fairground on a school trip. But I had to take counselling for my anger and talk about why I felt the need to bite and protect myself all the time.

I went to a group every Saturday, it was called Preston Panthers. My family and I made life long friends there. The coaches helped me with my coordination, I managed to learn how to bounce a basketball, play badminton, parachute games and rock climbing. It took me a lot of time to climb the walls but I did it as I was so determined. There were some terrible kids there, one shoved me under s freezing cold shower in the woman’s changing room. One pretended she was pregnant to get her boyfriend at the time to stay with her. I am sorry but though they had bad behaviour problems, learning difficulties etc it did not make them any better or worse of than “normal” people.

I remember having a special bond with this lady called Jone. She had this way with kids, she was a curly haired lady with glasses. She even took me on holiday once just the two of us, I think it may have been a swimming race or something, I won first place. I remember swimming really fast on my stomach while she held her arms out to me supporting and encouraging me. I ate a meal there and I left my new Pyjamas behind by accident, I left them under my pillows.

She was fired by the other coaches, I never knew why and was never told. But I remember being very upset with them and refusing to listen to them for quite a few Saturdays after. They had upset my friend, so I was upset to. Jo came in to talk to me in the end, telling me she was okay and she understood now why they had done that. I don’t know whether she just told me this because I was unhappy or not but I think I cheered up.

There was a place called Calvert trust I went to every year since I was a kid until I was a fifteen year old teenager. It took me 4 years of practise with my confidence. But managed to go from just going horse riding and learning basic skills, and playing with a bow and arrow, to climbing a water fall on my own in a team, and learning to ride a go kart, adventuring under caves with a light…I felt like a mole digging under the tunnel (I love mole in wind in the Willows, my favourite animals are Moles).
Then I faced all the fears I was terrified of. I went up a tower that held a zip wire, I love zip wires but I am terrified of hard and feel dizzy and full of fear when I look down (another reason it’s a bad idea to be a firefighter other than epilepsy) I may not have gone on the zip wire, but I did go up the tower and sit on the ledge.

I was so proud of myself. I never went on the swing next to it. But in my eyes that swing just wasn’t safe. I preferred to pull and tug the rope with my friends and watch them swing….I admit, I was waiting for the swing to snap and the person on it to die or be seriously injured.

I had also tried a sailing inside a building, I surprised myself as it looked very scary. I like how I could control the ropes myself as well so that I was independent on the ride and could stop if I got to scared and calm down. I wouldn’t go on the trapeze, I didn’t feel comfortable enough to grab from that height and grab it, you could swing on it and let go falling on a blue sift mat underneath.
I was very proud when I went to Calvert trust on my own. Without my mother and went with my friend Helena.

When my nieces where born, both my sisters and my brothers I loved them all. I played with them and invited them to sleep overs. I got to be a kid and play again, and I was happy as I didn’t get that at school very often. I had made some good friends at my new school. But ironically I still got picked on for having “learning difficulties” even though these kids had learning difficulties, bad behaviour problems, disorders….I found it funny in a weird way but very sad to. I just couldn’t understand why people felt the need to be so nasty towards me. Especially with all the help and support I always tried to give them. I heard and learned from other people that this is just life in general.

I had this special bond with my sisters oldest daughter Annie (not her real name). We were very similar in lot of ways, everyone started to call us double trouble. We both liked to be alone in our rooms, we both struggled with school, I always seemed to enjoy to same films movies or books as my niece, we both liked just being there for each other. But we were also opposites in ways to. She was very messy but liked putting things in alphabetical order.

I was a neat freak who hated the way the mess in her room was and always cleaned all the kids rooms for them. I got headaches and felt stress during this but I was happy when it was done. I made small noises, flapped my hands at times and seemed to try to pull my hair out on very stressful circumstances. While Annie didn’t. And Annie understood things faster than I did. Though Annie did go threw a period of stuttering and had a few health conditions, she seemed to break her bones easier than me. She was diagnosed with anaemia.

Annie was diagnosed with Aspergious syndrome. For people who don’t know aspergious is a type of learning difficulties, a pacific type of learning disability. This type is understood more than moderate learning difficulties. Because its very well known by lots of people who have explained it. Aspergious affects you ability to socialise properly, understand jokes or social cues, be very bad at lying and trouble understanding most simplest gestures. Aspergious is a various scale of problems, people choose to explain it as an “umbrella of things” for some reason.

I knew she had it before anyone else, because I studied her behaviour, then I read books on it and saw the patterns of what was happening. I knew she wasn’t like others because she was exactly like me. Unfortunately I wasn’t listened to when I told people, I wasn’t believed whenever I told them anything was wrong with Annie. Both Annie and I tried to tell the adults to help us when she was injured or in pain. But until the doctor confirmed it we were never believed, neither one of us received an apology either. We were just told it was sorted now..it was “fixed”

Annie struggled at school because of the aspergious. I mean for people who are meant to understand Aspergious and help there students they weren’t very helpful. All the teacher where pretty rubbish at looking after Annie. And she hated the teachers and her school so much. It got as bad as her refusing to get out of her bed. But after going to get diagnosed and eventually she was diagnosed properly after three years she left the school and went to the next one she enjoyed it. Annie couldn’t manage going to college. But she is a very clever girl but “different” same as me.

My temper unfortunately got worse and worse as I got older. I punched a guy bigger and taller than me because he stole my friend. My friend basically pushed me away from him as well. I never realised was a fake friend until much later on in life. I mean, when I met him he stuck up for me and told some bullies off who didn’t want to let him play or talk to me. Because I was a girl.

I also hit a kid half my size because he was kicking and slapping me. Now, hear me out. I wasn’t bullying the child, he was calling me names and kicking me. I was around fourteen while he was around nine years old. I had my sister and the boys mother three times what he was doing. They told me to ignore him and I would be fine. The third time, I went in and told them if they didn’t stop talking to each other and help me I would hit him back. They still didn’t help me and the kid tried to hit my head on the table. I decided to defend myself, because I was just getting so sick of bullies causing me such distress. I held the boy at both sides of his neck and pushed him into a wall, I told him if he touched me again he would be in trouble. I had no were to run and couldn’t walk home, my mother wasn’t there and I know she would told him a thing a to.

My sister understood after I told her angrily that she never helped me. She apologised but she told me I needed to learn to control my anger. Kerri told my mum, and my mum suggested I tried actual counselling sessions instead of just talking to a assistant teacher. So I went to counselling and I was ashamed because I thought that I was crazy for needing them and a horrible person. I learned as I did these lessons that it was okay to ask for help now again when you needed it. Also I learned that is a very long waiting list to get in because there was so many people who went. So it wasn’t just me.

I got advised by councillors and my mum I might need a hobby. But it took me a long time to convince my mum to let me be independent. My first idea was to get a hobby with one of my friends. That way my friends parents can be there. And my mum will trust them to watch me. The plan was full proof.

Then I saw a show somewhere, and a group of girls did a interesting dance. I liked dancing and wanted to try it. I enjoyed it at first I was at the back, then I became the leader at the front of the line. I think maybe people where taking turns. I told the teacher I wanted to have a chance to do it. The competitions weren’t as much fun it got way to serious.

Some of the dancers had started crying if they lost or made mistakes. I think the parents were pushing to much or forcing them. Then there was parents getting upset if one of the younger children got sick. They’d say they ate to many sweets or threw up for attention. Both me and Helena’s mother got upset with them, luckily we never said anything. There could have been a bad fight. I got to nervous about the seriousness of it all in the end and got to stressed so I stopped going.

I went to cardinal numan college to do life skills. I had a few problems with teachers not letting me calm down before telling me off. Even though I tried to explain I was upset and trying to calm down. But I learned how to iron clothes on an ironing board. After putting the iron the wrong way and burning my hand I did learn fast how to set it down properly. I remember selling sweets to learn retail business…and eating a lot of them to. We used the computers a lot but I didn’t like team building exercises, as people either didn’t listen to me.

Or they would just say all my ideas where wrong or not good enough. I learned how to cook mostly desserts. I did maths and english, and learned about money and change. I had gone on to plan B of my plan to become to much for my mum to bear, so that she would push me away and let me go home myself. Like I predicted it worked.

I got to go home on my bike myself, I showed her how I could do it. I also got to walk home myself from Preston Panthers when a misunderstanding happened. For the first time I smacked my mum. I was so ashamed. But I was happy I got to walk home on my own with no one stopping me. The look on every kids and adults faces I will never forget. I unfortunately learned that throwing tantrums and my weight around, sometimes gave me what I wanted.

I enjoyed acting at college the most, I played Snow White and learned the lines in six weeks because my friend had dropped out. While also playing the evil stepmother in Cinderella on the exact same day. I forgot none of my lines. Everyone said I was good at acting with both, but I was so good at acting like the evil stepmother more. As I am loud and just have a natural creativity for the Villians of the story.

I got a new boyfriend called Jerry who was better than my first boyfriend. But after the sweet couple of months we started to separate, though I got confused and thought I still liked him. He didn’t pay as much attention to me and didn’t talk with me a lot. Unfortunately us being together forever just wasn’t meant to be.

I went on a date with Jerry, his sister and my mother at pig and whistle in Preston. I wanted to sit near the door and his sister told me while we were eating that she was glad Jerry admitted to me what he had done. She was disappointed that he didn’t and had to tell me he had cheated on me with one of my life bullies. It was a painful stab in the heart and I swore I would never ever fall in love. It just wasn’t worth all this pain. It was an insult on top of an insult, getting cheating on by someone you though loved you. Just to find out that he cheated with someone you told him bullied and hurt you.

On the last day I went to a prom, I remember the details of the rooms and hallway. I don’t remember what food I ate that day (very weird for me) This was the first time and unfortunately not the last that I wore a dress and black heels. I had a shiny small black purse and a tiara. In my personal opinion I think I looked so much more pretty at my brothers wedding. I was in a short black and white dress, with my hair longer to my shoulders, Kerri straightened my hair and did my make up and I had my black bag and heels. I even made an effort to shave my legs that day. (I got bullied about hair on my legs and arms, it was nothing but mum had never wanted me to shave.) Though I was very uncomfortable in both of these dresses.

My problems with my epilepsy got bad with my mistake of stopping my tablets without asking the doctor. I felt like taking tablets wasn’t normal and I had took it for so long I must be okay now. I fell out of bed and smacked my head on my small orange chair I kept after acting as sneezy in the church pantomime. One time I thought a seizure had finished and ended up seizing in the hallway near wooden bars that could have fractured my skull. (Thank goodness it didn’t)

The hardest point is my life, is when I was around sixteen. My dad became very sick, and I watched him deteriorate in front of me slowly. I remember they moved him to different rooms a lot, and I went to visit him a couple of times. But I was to much of a coward to carry on going to the hospital because it upset me. I do believe I should have gone to see my father more and support him. But I felt helpless what could I do. The doctors stopped giving him his tables. Even though mum told them not to because he needed them. And it was mostly my mother looking after him. My anger reached a point where I was pushing people physically away from me for just for telling me it wasn’t there fault my dad was in hospital and to calm down.

Dad acted…well a bit crazy. He was such a nice loving dad towards me. He was usually such a private sort of person. But I was happy he was showing his true feeling to me and letting me know he loves me by telling me, not just showing me. He kept telling me the printer was shy, but he was fiercely protective if someone said a word about me. I mean was before, but he was less confrontational. But even though he treated me so well.

With my mum he insisted she was poisoning him with her food. He made my sister eat my mums food before he touched it. Now granted, I can’t say my mum is the best cook in the world, I can’t cook at all as my mother and myself just didn’t get along long enough for her to teach me. I was great at sandwiches… anyway mum would not poison us….on purpose. But it was my father who would eat without complaints. He would just move the food around the plate sometimes to make it look like he had eaten more. But dad was the one who told me to be grateful I had food in front of me.

Dad fell over in the bathroom when I kept the floor wet. (I always forgot to dry the floor) I felt so very guilty. The firefighter had to come and help my dad up and down the stairs everyday. I don’t remember what happened to his stair lift. He definitely had one when I was a kid. I remember sitting on his knee and enjoying going up with him. I also remember falling down the stairs somehow and my head landing hard in between the stair lift and the bottom stair. It hurt and I think I lost conciseness the last thing I remember is Tibby running quick to sniff my face and check if I was okay, and my father dragging his leg as fast as he could to help me. Everything went black and I don’t remember anything after that. So he did have one, maybe it broke?

Anyway. My dad finally agreed that it was best he went to the hospital, and from that moment on everything felt to real for all of us. I was angry, mum didn’t stop to rest, My siblings were upset and my nieces didn’t understand but knew something was wrong because of all of our reactions. My sister had three children at this point.

I wish I could write that everything was alright. That my dad got better and we had our usual chats and I fixed my anger problems. Because it was my dad I always spoke to about stuff like this when we were alone. But alas mum got a phone call from the hospital, she rushed in the car and took me to Kerri’s. I was tired and slow, she shouted at me to hurry up and that my father could be dead when she got there.

Mum had thought this was a hint to tell her if I wanted to come. Though I don’t believe I could have coped if I did go, I didn’t catch her hint. I somehow felt unwelcome and that mum should go on her own. I had just got in my pyjamas at my sisters house when I heard her phone ring. I somehow knew, knew that it was bad. I went downstairs slowly. Kerri was crying and gave me a hug when she came off the phone. You know it’s bad when my sister hugs you….she was the one who told me my father was dead.

My life stopped a bit after this. I just couldn’t get it to register my dad had gone. I was often asking where he was, making him tea or coffee or calling out for him. I never cried like my sister, never even realised it happened. It hurt more than my friend at school dieing and he had been a child. He had died threw surgery, something was wrong with his bowels. My first reaction to this was to burst into loud tears. Stating he was my friend.

He had an accident on the edge of the swimming pool, he had an accident on the side. The PE teacher had yelled at him thinking he’d done it purposely telling him got get changed as he cried and ran to the showers. No one cried more than the PE teacher when he died she was ridden with guilt. I tried to comfort her, but I just couldn’t go to the funeral. I sat on his chair he always sat in next to me in the lunch room. It was important to me and the other kids teased me for it. I had a fight with someone who tried to sit were he sat, he ended up letting me sit there. I went on the computers, drew pictures and was writing story’s as half the school was at my friends funeral.

My friends gave me there condolences, they said if I needed anything to just ask. I felt touched and once I had calmed down a bit and went back to college, all I had asked was for a hug. My friend who said to ask her anything told me to grow up and get over it. The person who was not and never will be my friend, told me to just get over it, he was old anyway and deserved to die.

My friend had also told me that she was being polite and she never really meant it when she said that to ask her for anything. I was broken, I decided from then on that anyone who said, “just ask if you need anything.” Was being polite and didn’t mean it. Good job I never needed anything but a hug, my mum, sister and I weren’t getting on so I never felt I could hug them. I barely see my brother and his family and don’t really remember my dad’s funeral really well. I was there but felt I wasn’t really there…if this makes any sense to anyone.

I received my fathers golden cross necklace, it was a fragile looking necklace. It had been threw so much though and always came back if lost somehow. I had always been in love with his necklace as a child and always touched it and looked at it. I also still had the picture and frame he bought from a deaf and mute person who needed money. It’s a picture of a woman with a horse. She did amazing drawings. I have an itchy jumper of his but I can’t wear it as I am allergic and his Indian ornaments my mum kindly gave me.

I never ever took the golden cross necklace off my neck, even when I was showering. But ended up losing it when I had to take it of at a martial arts class a few years ago. I put it in my bag at the front for save keeping but it wasn’t there afterwards, I looked everywhere for it in the changing room very upset over it. I was very depressed over it and I never found it again, my dad wouldn’t want me to let it take over my life but it has always hurt. I find myself hoping it’s safe, or if someone has found it they are taking extra sentimental care of it, everything happens for a reason I guess. I still have his jumper, Indian ornaments, the picture he gave me, photos and home videos my mum kindly let me have. She said she’d give my anything and I rarely asked her for anything.

All three of us my mum, my sister and I did not do well when my dad died. We did not treat each other that nicely, I tried to because I helped clean the house to made sure everything was okay. I tried making sandwiches for everyone. I was doing the laundry one day and my mum told me I didn’t do anything around the house. Basically calling me useless, and something seemed to literally snap inside me. I dropped the pile of laundry I was holding to put over to dry. I told her I would show her just how much I did for her. Then I went upstairs and laid in my bed staring at the ceiling.

I got an apology eventually from mum. But I wasn’t really very forgiving it was just to late I had already snapped. It was like my emotion and empathy had disappeared completely. I wasn’t upset, angry, happy or confused. I remember my mum wasn’t in the best of moods for a long time. We were going to a party with Preston Panthers, I wanted to wear my favourite blue and white long shirt (almost like a dress) with black leggings. Mum told me I looked fat in it and did not look nice. It made me miserable, even Kerri wasn’t happy with mum for saying that. Kerri started telling her to be careful what she said as that can cause eating disorders.

I would not eat or drink anything at that party apart from drink water, mum had said I ruined the day for everyone. Everyone kept telling me I only had one mum and to appreciate her. I not only felt isolated I also felt very ganged up on. I didn’t have many friends I could contact, I felt all alone in the world. I saw a form my mum was signing the same day I was told I didn’t look nice in my favourite shirt. It said that I had Aspergious…I didn’t know what this was but I went nuts.

I told mum I wasn’t diagnosed with this, that she was committing fraud, ask her what the heck it was etc. I was very unhappy as I feel milking something you have so that the government understands is one thing. But writing something you think someone has and “labelling” them even though you are not a doctor or phycologist. This is completely sickening to me in my eyes whether she was being protective or not.

It took me two years believe it or not for to to set in my mind that my father was dead. I was a real mess. I had to “fix” myself..I mean wasn’t that what every “normal” person has tried to always do. I started looking up symptoms of how I felt and what was happening. I watched movies to and this proved to be a huge mistake. I saw that people who felt this way seemed to cut there selves on the arms with knifes. They drank alcohol to forget there sorrows, or they took drugs.

I would not or ever take drugs, I wasn’t and never will be interested with smoking either. I swore to my dad I wouldn’t start and I intend to keep that promise. But after a bad argument with my mother I started to try the cutting my arm with a knife. I learned this was called self harm, I also learned everyone insisted people did this for attention or a cry for help. I didn’t feel I wanted help I just felt like I had lost my mind and my emotions.

Even though I was numb towards the world, I still went to Preston college. I wanted to do acting and drama. It started out great, I reunited with old friends from my school and Cardinal Numan College. I particularly enjoyed a few memory’s there. Like when I made smoothies in class, my favourites surprisingly were carrot smoothie and broccoli smoothie. (By the way these are two separate smoothies they are not blended together) The time I played Buttons in Cinderella (Cinderella’s best friend who is not a prince but in love with Cinderella) we called Cinderella Cindy. The guy playing the prince actually had a crush on the woman playing Cinderella as well.

I was in an acting workshop at Preston college called Metropolis, I met lots of people. I seemed to managed to get myself a stalker though. He was completely harmless, and someone I could snap like a twig but I didn’t as I am actually a nice person. He followed me home more than once, his name is was Mick he was a game addict and always had his face in a DS, computer or his phone.

I told him he couldn’t come to my house a particular day as we were busy and my mum wasn’t in a great mood. But he followed me home and actually asked my mother for a lift home and got shouted at. Then I got shouted at for inviting him, it took her a while to listen to my side of the story. Kerri was persistent he had a “learning difficulties” she was right. He does have autism I do not know what level. I disagree with who says he doesn’t understand what he’s doing..he does. He has hygiene problems and doesn’t seem to have very good communication skills as he games constantly.

We had a party reunion with metropolis months later. Both me and my friend at the time wanted to go back to see everyone. But neither one of us got to go, I started having stomach ache, which seemed to get worse when I ate oranges. I got in severe pain on my side where my ribs are and I could barely walk, lost my energy and kept falling asleep. I still felt sick and dizzy. I had to go to the doctors, I was told to get checked for kidney stones but it ended up being a kidney infection. My doctor had told me I was slightly young for a kidney infection. But my family said it could happen to people older than eighteen, and it could be because of all the stress I was going though.

I saved up for a trip to France, I was very excited as I had always wanted to visit France. It wasn’t really very fun though. For once I didn’t want to go to MacDonald s and try lots of didn’t restaurants in France. But we ended up just going to one restaurant where I had steak and vegetables, then because everyone else wanted MacDonalds we ate there everyday. A lady tried to get money and drugs off one of my friends.

We watched a show in the centre of town with street dancers, almost getting pickpocketed. I didn’t feel very well during the trip, I got sick on the coach. It felt like hours getting to France, we stopped at three shops on the motorway. Luckily for me there was a toilet on the coach. The hotel was disgusting and I was very upset as the showed us a swimming pool and restaurant a five star hotel. I though I spent my money well and was staying in a room with two of my friends in my class. I saw a mouse in the room, the hotel was two stars. I believe I said to my teachers it didn’t deserve the extra star.

I had breathing difficulties at one point and sat on the top stair as I felt very dizzy and sick. One of the teachers came up and saw me sat there. When I told her how I was feeling and wanted to go home she told me to stop being so pathetic. She told me I was ruining everyone else’s holiday and to stop. I was crying a lot..everyday even.

I hated my trip to Disney land. I just kept feeling worse and worse. At one point I even felt like I was going to faint. Everyone thought I had diabetes or something as I had gone completely white in the face. I was scared to go to my teachers because I knew I was being burden and they wanted to have some fun.

Because of the way the teacher had treated me I didn’t want to go near them anyway. But my friends were afraid for me and got me to go over to the teacher after I almost fainted the third time. I felt terrified of there reaction. I felt my life had ended hearing the way the same teacher who told me to stop being pathetic was looking at me. She looked so sick of my face and I wanted so bad to disappear. So now even though I was kind of happy at college at first, I was now miserable at home and at college.

The teacher told me to just stay on the coach if I was going to ruin everyone’s fun. I didn’t want to be left on my own, so I shook my head and just went round with the teacher and my classmates. We went on one ride and lots of shops that day. When I got back home I went to the doctors, he told me I had caught a virus from France and needed to rest. He felt the dizzy spells and loss of breath was a part of the virus. Because nothing could be found on the blood test.

When I was twenty I went back to the doctors without an appointment. I burst into tears and told the receptionist the doctor had to see me now because of how bad I felt. I went three more times telling my doctor all about my behaviour, the crying, becoming more ill frequently, these weird times I struggled to breath and eating very little.

Just the week before I believed I had asthma considering I couldn’t breath at all. Then I had a heart attack with my heart going incredibly fast and breathing heavy with sweat all over my body, this of course was very scary. The ambulance was called and the heart attack seemed to stop suddenly. The only think the dr said to me was “Well. You seem to be okay now.” He looked at me like I was wasting his time. He gave me a few tests and a female nurse checked my heart with a heart monitor, nothing at all was found.

When I told the doctor again what had happened, she gave me an appointment at a mental health centre. She told me she believed I had something called depression. At the health centre, which was conveniently across the road to my house. I filled in paperwork and ticked all the boxes. When I saw a consultant she asked me the same questions…so what was the point of filling in the paperwork. I like paperwork but what was the point if she was going to ask anyway. I was immediately diagnosed with severe General Anxiety Disorder a common and unseen health issue. Also I found out I have moderate depression. Remember, moderate means not very little or very high it’s in the middle. I had no positive thoughts at all and I felt I never would belong on this earth.

I had learned I didn’t go threw a heart attack but multiplied severe panic attacks. The doctor insisted I be careful with caffeine, which was in chocolates, diet Coke and all that junk food I enjoy eating. I can’t really cook and didn’t really want to eat either, I did feel fat but I can’t say I had a type of eating disorder. I still ate at McDonald’s and had sweets and water after all. I had IBS as well so was going threw agonising stomach aches so I changed my diet completely.

I tried pineapple and lemonade (I love it!) drank more water, and changed my diet to becoming a vegetarian. It did help, though still if I eat to much, to fast, or any spicy food I will be in a lot of pain. No tablets work for this with me so that’s why I decided to change my diet in a massive way. I feel like I didn’t have any control over even what I was eating now. Which is why I decided on my own to be a vegetarian, because I love animals and this was my own choice.

I was excluded from the photos in a show we did at the guild hall with Preston College. Jesus Christ Superstar, the teacher refused to let me audition for Mary or a lead character eyes I was in pathways. Pathways are a class for students with “special needs.” I was upset but I had to except this as I was still on entry three. I learned more over eating disorders at college, it all looked disgusting and I felt awful for the people who didn’t believe they were good enough either. I feel like this to…unfortunately almost everyday I feel like this.

I lost some of my good friends I had at school because alcohol has never reacted well on me and I admitted I had a crush on this man who wasn’t interested. I stressed out a lot of my friends to much because of my anxiety and depression. One friend of mine I got close to actually turned out to be a pedophile. He was targeting fourteen year old boys and he was nineteen almost twenty years old. I tried to help him and witnessed arguments from his family and at one point he tried to run away with a different fourteen year old boy and me.

I left my bus pass behind on purpose for his dad to find as I felt something was very wrong. His dad found us and actually punched his son in the mouth. It was bleeding and I could tell he barely hit him by the way he threw the punch, he was quite a strong man. I knew he didn’t like my “friend” is gay. But I knew the punch was not thrown because he was gay, to be fair on his father he was trying hard to accept him being “different.”

I made myself sick over him everyday, I could not process he was a pedophile. I finally overdosed on tablets I was given to help my anxiety and had to call an ambulance. My mum said I was pathetic and stupid for doing that. She had also asked me if I was happy my dad was dead, was he ill enough for me now. I heard this as being blamed for my dad’s death, maybe because I left the floor wet? I still feel it is my fault today, no matter how many of my new friends say it isn’t. I was fine, I didn’t get any reaction to the overdose because I only had four small tablets. But I had every intention to commit suicide.

I had planned to drown myself in the bath and cut both of my arms as well. My so called pedophile friend brought his “boyfriend” and had no where to stay. So I stayed with them and the nurse said we could stay there overnight. My mum was letting me come home but not my friends as she doesn’t like them. I never told her that my “friends boyfriend” had heard I was going to a spiritual church as I enjoy it. He had pretended there was an actual demon inside him and tried to attack me and held me down. I didn’t really feel scared even though his nails were digging into me and he was hurting me.

I had developed higher senses in my nose though. I seemed to be able to smell if there was weird chemicals in food. I have never been wrong and warn people if I can smell it. For the people who don’t listen they always get sick or get stomach ache. After I realised my sense of smell was this good I started calling it my superpower. I smelled it the strongest in macdonalds I am surprised I still eat there. Though once I learned I was having panic attacks and smelled that smell I couldn’t set foot in the restaurant I smelled it across the road.

I had seen a presentation the teachers where doing. It was about how depression felt like, I was disgusted as I had been called pathetic and needy and useless and all other names. But they still felt like they had the rights to talk about depression. These people were definitely disgusting, I had a emotional breakdown that day and was under huge distress. I had rocked in a corner while covering my ears tightly and crying hysterically. Needless to say no one cared and just sent me home early.

I was suspended from college, because I had started getting violent towards a student. Surprisingly he did end up being a good friend and forgave me. I hated him at the time, he was so loud and banged the table a lot. My ear felt like they were going to explode, but when I asked the teacher to make him stop she told me it wasn’t as noisy as all that and to stop complaining.

Dylan in my class moved up to a higher class and went in level one. Once moved Dylan had insisted he was better than us. From that moment on and always told us he was cleverer and smarter etc. He still tries to add me on Facebook and talk me down. I blocked him the second time he tried to argue with me over nothing. But I was suspended because I was “struggling” to much and went to an art class I wanted to go to. I feel the teachers and students just wanted to get rid of me while telling me they knew how I felt…lies.

I enjoyed drawing in art class, I was particularly interested in the life artist drawers class. But unfortunately never got to try it. I got told by some people to stop complaining over my life and there were people in worse situations than me. This succeeded in making me feel worse. I stayed for a year but left because I felt they were pressuring me to much in trying to change my current style. And I felt everyone else were better at drawing than me, while I drew like a toddler.

I went to Runshaw college after getting a free booklet threw the door. I wanted to do the basic first aid training. I really enjoyed it. It was a lucky coincidence I took the course as a few months later someone I knew decided to hang himself with a garden wire on a living room door. I was the only person who knew CPR and kept him alive as I called an ambulance, I panicked as the phone told me I was in a que.

So I rung back panicking and shouting at the dispatcher that this was a dire emergency. I also text my mum that we were in a code red, which means on television that it was an emergency reaction. I think my mum told me my aunt laughed at this and told her I watched to much TV. I also went to a cats and dogs basic first aid training class at Runshaw College also.

I decided when I was eighteen years old (before I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression) that I wanted to try volunteering. My mum tried to stop me for some reason or at least it seemed like it. I was excited to find a volunteering place with a cat sanctuary but my mum told them I had “learning difficulties” and the changed there minds.

The second one was a dogs home, mum told them I would struggle crossing a busy road..that was not true she was being overbearing. In the end she let me go to this place called Homeless Hounds. I loved it there and ended up staying there for three years. I would still be volunteering there but they moved to Blackpool and then lost there kennels for some reason.

The government wanted to make houses over the kennels which broke my heart. I loved my boss though and his family, I made friends with all of them and best thing was…he didn’t care about the “difficulties” I had been labelled with. I tried everything, but I wasn’t allowed to give the dogs medication as I wasn’t qualified. But I fed them and opened tins to put in food, walked all the dogs, washed up, mopped and swept up, swept the cages, put out the laundry and bathed the dogs. Fed the cats and played with the cats. His daughter Isabel sometimes gave me lifts home and gave me good advice.

I even grew to love my bosses dogs Scooby and Buster. They were unsure of me at first but when my boss gave me some biscuits to give them they became my best friends. I always danced in the kitchen with Scooby and threw him and Buster some extra biscuits. There was a few times the same dog tried to bite me when I tried to take his old food and put down a new bowl. My boss took care of it and told of the dog. Once the next doors dog who was a guard dog seemed to want to attack me. I could see the dog was about to jump over the fence. Scooby noticed and growled and barked at the dog making it run off. In my eyes Scooby basically saved my life.

I still try to go to all the parties and events they put on Facebook. I love seeing my friends and all the dogs. If I had more money I would donate to everyone, because I want everyone to be happy and be able to eat everyday.

My life at home was getting worse though. It had come to a point were my mother and I were going to kill each other if we lived with each other any longer. And Kerri had become pregnant with her fourth child. The doctor found her anti depressants unsafe, and she is incredibly scary without them. There was multiple times all three of us were at each other throats.

So after my mum tried to ruin my chances of moving out on my own by telling people I wasn’t ready, I told her she was ruining my life and I hated her. My mum was now suicidal as well and told me she was going to kill herself.. but I was luckily our doctor we liked spoke to her and helped her, otherwise I would have been an orphan. I got upset and told her I wished she got run over by a truck. I didn’t really mean it, what I wanted to do was cry really but I just couldn’t.

So, a few weeks later my mum rang a social worker. My social worker felt I was unsafe living my mum as she seemed abusive. I laughed at this and told my mum I’d told them I was stronger than her and if anything I could hurt my mum. I didn’t realise the social worker meant that how she was speaking to me was damaging..not that she thought she was physically hurting me. We were both toxic towards each other.

So I was taken to shared living, were you live with a different family like you apart of the family. I hated it there, they acted like they were in charge of me and I needed to follow there rules. They took me places but I felt they were acting like my parents and I didn’t have much more independence than I did back home.

So I was kicked out after telling the social worker I was unhappy and they were unhappy as I was to “Wild” for them. I was taken to supported living. This is were you lived in a house with other people and a support worker. Depending to who was on, I had two roommates and I actually knew Sapphire from school. I was the most independent person there, though I still needed to learn how to cook. I felt giving support workers money was a waste of my time, though I didn’t want to be home so I sucked it up so to speak.

The support workers let me down quite a lot. They said they’d pass messages or promised to take me somewhere on a certain date but never delivered. I liked one support worker as he actually tried to make me feel happier and listened to me. I wanted him to keep coming and be my support worker. I somehow got into trouble with my debt, and owe Lancashire county council a lot of money.

They believe I owe them thousands but I find this unfair as I tried everything and they just wouldn’t take the money. I keep telling the people who ask for the details “I have never begged anyone to take my money before, but I did with LCC.” They seem to be harassing my mother as well for a different reason.

I went to a martial arts class after almost getting sexually assaulted and enjoyed this at first to. I didn’t really understand the patterns we did but didn’t really take it to seriously. It was like I would ever get in a real fight anyway. Right?

I wanted to get off my epilepsy tablets again as I hadn’t had a fit in years. This time I worked with a doctor. He slowly took me off my tablets after he got me to tell him I would come back and take the medication again if anything at all went wrong. The system went well, I didn’t have to take my tablet anymore and never had a seizure…yet (touch wood) I was pleased and checked how long I hadn’t had a fit. And as it had been five years I had decided to study on driving a car. My dad had promised to teach me but obviously that couldn’t really happen now so I needed to do it on my own.

The support workers where letting me down so much though. I asked my mum lots of things including things she had no idea about. I felt very upset and hurt as I heard my mum tell the support workers that I should not be her problem anymore. The word “problem” is still stuck on me, the same word as a “burden.”

I didn’t pass my car theory test this time. I had given myself three months deadline as it helped me study and I stuck to it. I only got half of the fifty questions correctly answered. Though I was extremely proud that I had passed the hazard test with flying colours. People told me not to worry as not many people passed on the first try. I will probably look at another go in the further somewhere.

I took acting classes again to escape from the prison I felt I was in. I enjoyed it and made friends with a girl and her service dog. He helped my friend with her diabetes, she explained how they worked together considering everyone was asking questions. There was three more people there who were nice and I got along with them very quickly. We worked slowly towards doing a play. It started when I ran into them in the market place, they were getting people to sing in a tent for them and pretending to be x-factor. I took a chance and passed the test.

We sang songs though a microphone, tried on costumes, tried making our own poems and talking on the camera normally. I believe it was probably the dog who stole the show on the video, as he was very cute. I was the misunderstood dragon, I also got to talk to people over my butterfly tattoo and sang songs on stage. People told me they loved it and they were amazed at how confident I was on stage.

We met again after the workshop once to see how we all were. We are at a fancy restaurant and I choked on a roast potato. I am not sure which one is worse..the potato or on my birthday were I set fire to a napkin with a candle in my friends brothers restaurant, then tried to pass up as innocent.

One of the support workers actually did listen when I was talking about firefighters though. You never know maybe I was a firefighter in a different life and that’s why I love them and want to be one so badly. I can’t help having epilepsy and I do understand I will put my life and others in danger and I don’t want to do that. So I accept I can’t do this job, but I have never been able to stop dreaming about it. Firefighters are incredibly strong and fit as well. But if I had no epilepsy I would never have given up trying and would have trained very hard.

Anyway my support worker had remembered she had a friend who was a police officer. She run a group called princes trust. And they were taking a trip to the firefighter department. My support worker asked if I wanted to join as it was free anyway and she thought I would really enjoy it. So I decided to take a look, I felt uncomfortable with a couple of the people involved at first. I tried hard not to judge as just because they had worse mental health illnesses than me…didn’t mean they were any sort of danger to me.

But I went threw a bit of teasing again, I had difficulty with this even though I should be used to it. There was one particular girl called Charlie who was a little mean to me. She was very sarcastic when I asked my questions, the questions weren’t even for her. She did show me how to make tea and coffee but had giggled at the fact I wanted her to show me how to make it, even though she was the one who wanted the tea…I don’t drink hot drinks.

When she took me somewhere with them like a shop they made me feel like a part of a team. But unfortunately she always left me behind and laughed as I panicked to look for them. I realise I am an adult but I didn’t want to leave them behind just in case they were looking for me. Ironic right. There was one time we went to do team building, I needed the toilet and so did a few other girls. This included Charlie. I led them to the toilet as I had went before, I waited for each of them and went last. They said they would wait for me as well.

I somehow knew full well they wouldn’t. But I still couldn’t stop the feelings of hurt when I was finished and noticed they had yet again left me behind. Though when Charlie got teased by everyone she thought she was being bullied and ran off somewhere. I was one of the first to offer to find her and talk to her. Even though we all heard a lecture from the staff.

But there was some fun games to. I sang a song in front of everyone, though everyone apart from me was offended Charlie never watched or support me, I worked in a team to cook for eight to ten people…and learned that tossing the salad didn’t actually mean to throw salad at the wall. Luckily I questioned it and didn’t actually throw it. We went threw a dark cave and walked across a country side just having a map and first aid kit.

I snuck some food and drinks in my back just in case, we saw horses and sheep. I took so many photos. We went to an actual chefs kitchen to learn to bake and cook. Turns out I love to bake a lot. We played a teamwork game I call the blind leading the blind. It’s were you have to put a blind fold over your eyes, and listen carefully to the partner you are with call out directions so you don’t hurt yourself. I’m not very good at this game and always feel very unbalanced.

We all volunteered at a supermarket to pack bags for people to raise money for a trampoline club. I painted a lot and remember becoming a little bored, I also picked up rubbish from the yard and the back of the building on the car park. It was all worth it once we had finished.

Of course I enjoyed the visit to the firefighter headquarters the most. I went in a building with these green glasses so I could see not to walk. Crawled in a dark assault course underground, I helped Charlie and Emma as they had panic attacks in small spaces.

I practises putting on the uniform and helmets and practised signals fire fighters used to each other. They showed us what happened if they tried to put water on a electrical fire…and taught us what different fire extinguishers there were. The only think I couldn’t do was walk down the tall tower. I did try, I went up the tall tower and looked down, I let them tie me up with ropes and I leaned back on the building.

I just got to scared to walk down otherwise I would have done it, and this was a really tall tower (not as tall as Calvert trust) Even though I got everyone encouragement (apart from Charlie’s, I don’t know why) I just couldn’t do it but was proud I tried so hard. Charlie wouldn’t go up afterwards though I tried to encourage her.

We all made a speech about how we did at the end of the course. Charlie decided not to come for some reason. But everyone said I should be a comedian when I read my speech, in a nice way though not a mocking one.

The only thing in Princes Trust that went wrong was when one of the people there cut them self’s in the girls bedroom. I had no idea until I noticed a few people panicking and muttering to each other in a conversation. I heard the words blood and ambulance and panicked wanting to know what was going on. When I heard what happened and that someone cut there arm I knew immediately how they felt. Though everyone talked about her being selfish as she did it in public but I would hear of it and stuck up for her.

I met up with one of my childhood friends years later, her name was Jenny (not her real name)
after I shared a photo of something on Facebook. She was having problems so I offered to let her stay at my house for a few days. She bought me tickets to see the new ninja turtles movie with my niece as a thank-you. And she looked after me when I had a high fever with tonsillitis. It’s highly contagious and she stayed next to me as she was worried.

This is why what happened hurt so much more. I had yet to realise she had told the government she changed her address, even though it takes multiple weeks for benefits or anything that gives you money can take up to months of waiting. It took less than a week for them to take away my money without talking to me. As they believed I had a roommate who was working. I confided in my friend that I was trying and struggling to find a job and I felt upset over it. Because I was being judged as I had “learning difficulties” and I wished I had a job. I thought she understood as she had listened to me and gave me some comfort.

Well a few days later, she invited me to visit her boyfriend in Southport. He had a dog I made fast friends with. This was after she had gone to a mates house and told me she would be back that same day. But had stayed for three full days and didn’t bother to text to tell me she was safe. Or not even answering my worried texts, I know we were both legal adults but I get worried over my friends.

Now a lot of people don’t believe in the supernatural. But I do and go to a spiritual and a Methodist church. Which makes what I agreed to that much more stupid and irresponsible. I had gone in her boyfriends home, and though I felt okay I was confused about some mirrors on the walls facing each other. I wasn’t bothered about the other mirror on the other side of the house. But the smaller ones were bothering me big time. Jenny somehow talked me into playing a spirit game. It wasn’t the ouija board so I was sure it would be okay. What was so dangerous about a stupid game anyway?

Well I swear I saw a old man with black eyes and grey hair, very clearly. I tried to think it was my imagination, I tried to believe that something smashing in the kitchen was just was perfect timing. But the look at my friends boyfriends face was real fear, I know because I know a look of fear. The mother was panicking and read a book of spells to get him back in the mirror. Apparently this was her abusive husband who raped her and her daughter and beat up Jenny’s boyfriend.

There were angels in the mirror I wasn’t bothered about and two demons facing each other to trap them from ever haunting the family. It was very scary and you may think it was a prank but it all just felt to real. Who in the right mind would go this far if it was a prank and all three of them are good actors if they weren’t serious.

Jenny never picked up her stuff she left at my home. I got annoyed in the end after a year had passed. She had told me her Dalmatian was important to her because her dead grandad left her the teddy. So I never understood why she wouldn’t work with me to pick them up. Jenny told me I didn’t seem to care about her depression etc and when I calmly tried to explain my side of the story she told me I was lazy. She said “At least I have a job, and at least I work hard and don’t need benefits.” It wasn’t like I wanted benefits in the first place, I had been trying to get ready to get hired in a job for three years at that time. Since I was eighteen years old. We never spoke to each other again, and we blocked each other on Facebook.

There was something about how my boyfriend told me just how psychotic my childhood friend acted in his dnd game. I don’t know if I believe in possession but it sure did sound weird. She had wanted to kill all the male characters in DND, and was very literal with explaining what she wanted to do with them. I had given my new and current boyfriend her dog teddy and dice. He got attached to the teddy and called him Trapper.

I gave my nieces her makeup and binned her clothes. So she recognised her dice at the game, she stared and kept looking at them. Apparently she never came again and stopped her boyfriend from coming as well, the last I heard she was pregnant. So I really wish her well and hope she is happy.

I am happy with my boyfriend Juni as he supports me with a lot of things. Though of course we still have our arguments as all couples do. I met good friends including Adam, Jackie, Kieran, Lilo and Milo we all played DND together, eventually becoming closer friends. Jackie helped me with my anxiety and depression, giving me advice and calming me down during panic attacks.

I was struggling to control myself and decided to go back to counselling for help when I kept snapping and attacking Juni. I knew it was wrong to do that whether I had mental health issues or not. I hate the way I am and really want to fix it, I am not a violent or aggressive person. I have just seen and been threw to much that I can’t handle even the smallest issues anymore.

I started a Jitsu group in Preston, the people there are very supportive and accepting. For three years I enjoyed the classes and learned some defence skills. Though it seemed I could or never have done a back roll. I practised at class and at home. Though as I kept hurting myself at home as there was less space and no mats, I stopped practising at home.

I kept hurting myself for different reasons, the most pain I was in was when I fractured my tailbone. I had trouble sitting down comfortably for almost two years and the doctors told me I may never heal properly and they didn’t know for sure. My friends at Jitsu were annoyed the doctors told me I could go to class with a fracture and I could have hurt my self more badly than I was.

One doctor told me it was a dislocation in my tailbone, so I got another X-ray and it did turn out to be a dislocation. I wasn’t allowed to do Jitsu and just hang out with my friends instead for three four months. I was so upset about this but I understood that my health just had to come first.

I trust my teacher, even though I stopped Jitsu to look for a job and look for a calmer activity. I still respect and trust the teacher who I became friends with. I completely and fully trust him to throw me in any throw he wanted to throw me through in class. I felt to nervous to jump over the table because of my own confidence not because I didn’t trust people to look after me.

Even though I have stopped going to class if I went again I would still feel I could trust him as much as I did. I went paint balling with them, I was so scared I thought I would refuse to join in, but after a word with the teacher I finally joined in and enjoyed it.

I went to lots of parties, on Easter, Christmas and Halloween. I haven’t ever won the costume competition but I am determined I will one year. I found I like wearing a suit and tie much better than a dress and feel very uncomfortable in any dress. Now, I need to say this, even if it didn’t enter your head it does in some people’s. I am a tomboy yes, but I am NOT a transgender person, I am not a lesbian, and I have no problem with anyone who is whether I am a Christian or not. I have transgender, lesbian, coloured, and four legged fur baby friends. I wouldn’t care if you had caterpillars for eyebrows or a blue body like an avatar. So long as you’re a nice person and have a good heart I will accept you.

And a lot of people have thought I am a lesbian, but this was because I had short hair, suits and trainers. I am in fact bisexual, but this not because of my personality it’s just who I am. I got complete support from friends at my Jitsu group. Who explained they didn’t mind and lots of there friends were bisexual, so long as I didn’t perv on the girls..this was a joke. One of my friends Cody (not his real name) spoke to me at late hours until I felt better about myself. He taught me nothing was wrong with me and it was just who I was.

I had my ESA assessment, as I predicted I lost my money, I lost it very unfairly because they lied on the results. I was disgusted to see a council tax staff member at town Hall snigger when I explained my circumstances. I luckily took my friend as my carer, she has helped a lot of people with benefits including her own child. So she know what she is doing and does it better than me. We appealed for the money and it took months and months, but finally I sat in front of the “judges” I had been trying to find a job during this time.

As I am desperate to prove to everyone I can do this and didn’t really have a choice anymore, the one benefit I had left hadn’t been enough to pay my bills and buy food at the same time. I had to choose between one or the other. At the same time I had to move house as I was trying to get rid of my support.

People still ask me why I did not just volunteer. Well when you get both your benefits taken off you you need to have money for food and pay bills. Volunteering does not give you money, it’s kindness and I do want o volunteer. But when you have no income, rubbish support workers, and no one to lean on I could not believe people’s silliness towards the situation.

The government believes that I can manage as I now live with my boyfriend Juni. He has a full time job and enough money for us both apparently. What would I do if my boyfriend lost his job, we would both be homeless and need help. How does the government know Juni isn’t abusing me or refusing to give me money and manipulating me, he isn’t but I hope you see my points. In reality though I love Juni I am the better one with money, I know how to budget better and know where my money goes. Juni overdraws his money all the time and is constantly borrowing my money and giving it back. I trust him to give it me back, but I have always been the one to save up. I am the one who had the money to pay to move home, though I got paid back on his pay day.

The judges did decide to give me back my money. They said I should not have been took of it in the first place. But my friend couldn’t ignore the doctors ignorance, he had stated because I wrote in the form that I didn’t have learning difficulties, that people with learning difficulties can’t write or read at all. I got all my money backdated as well so I got all my money back.

Though before I got my money back I worked so hard to get a job and I am a failure. I was just so sick of my life, I had half the world telling me I was a lazy person who needed a job and my personal “favourite” words. “But sweetie. You don’t look like you are disabled and your walking.” Then people actually wonder why people have out signs up telling people that not all disabilities need a wheelchair and to be considerate.

Then I had the other half telling me to proof people wrong, I can get a job. I am an inspiration. Though people I knew said I obviously needed the benefits at the moment, and though they said I would work in the near future, this wasn’t going to work for now.

I applied for hundreds of jobs on different websites anyway, then I got to have a few interviews, some I hated some I didn’t though I know this is life. My first interview was a very comfortable one, we went to a pub and got me a drink, which of course I wanted diet Coke. ( I do still have a treat from time to time) I think this was an apology for not being able to make it the day before and making me wait an hour and a half outside of the guild hall. I got to wear comfortable baggy clothes as he didn’t want me to wear jeans or pants.

I got very excited as my support worker brought me back a poster. It told me I could walk dogs and get paid every week. I adored animals and was so happy. But when I rang and told them if my three years experience and answered each of her question with enthusiasm. I wasn’t excepted because according to this woman, they don’t accept people with special needs. I was so angry and yelled at her, I know this wasn’t helpful but I was so hurt and disappointed.

I felt judged and embarrassed when she told me that she wasn’t discriminating and her boss told her to tell people this. As the dogs were violent, now believe it or not just because I have “special needs” does not mean I am completely stupid. I knew full well that people who owned a company could not tell locals they wanted them to walk dogs if they were violent. I knew this was why this phone call was not recorded so they wouldn’t get in trouble. And if dogs where violent enough to attack workers they would need to be out down, as much as I am upset to say this. I told her her boss was a discriminator and that I didn’t want to work for closed minded people anyway. I think I called her a female dog as well…oops.

The KFC interview had to be the worst interview ever. This KFC was in the middle of no where and I don’t remember the address or location. The interviewer openly answered my question over what she felt about people working with learning disabilities. She won’t except people with dyslecsia as she believes they can’t do anything and they will be in the way. Because they can’t tell people what in the menu. It was a shame there was no cctv cameras otherwise I could have tried to figure out how to sue them.

I worked in a temporary cleaning job in a shop at deepdale retail park. I am normally quite good at cleaning and have had a lot of practise in different volunteering and temporary jobs. I cleaned the mirror, the toilets, the lift, the stairs. I learned how to work with the broom where it closes and catches the rubbish on the floor. I am unsure if these have names but they can get very hard to use. I dusted everywhere, stocked shelf’s and other small jobs. This was only a temporary week job.

But considering I was treated like poo on someone’s shoe I quit and wouldn’t go in the last day. I got paid ten pound more than I should. I told the people who paid me and they told me I could keep it as it’s only a ten pound note.

I went in on time every morning at half six in the morning. But even though the staff knew I needed to get in to work and it was cold and dark, they would just keep glancing at me and not open the door. This happened everyday, though when the other cleaners or someone else came they immediately opened the door. I asked the company I worked for if the staff knew I was working there and knew why I was standing outside ten to twenty minutes after my shift has started. But they told me that they knew full well I was working there temporality.

After my shift once I went to the toilet, and a staff member came in and shouted at me. She asked what I was doing and I answered in confusion I was in the toilet. She said to hurry up as I was still working. I told her I had actually finished my shift and I was tempted to tell her a bit more, but decided to keep my mouth shut. She ordered me to finish up quickly and go home. For goodness sake I know I only worked the two and a half hours in the early morning. But can you stop being rude and let me go to the toilet in peace.

I got very anxious over being checked for stealing products. I tried to understand it was a surprise search and perfectly legal and I will not steal so I wasn’t worried about this. But I get distressed with people I don’t know touching me, whether they mean harm to me or not. So I showed them what was in my pockets explaining that the money in my pocket was money I earned and was taking it to the bank. Luckily they did not take this money of me thinking I took it from the till.

I tried working as a warehouse assistant in Southport. This was at a cheese factory and I struggled very much with the beeping noises as I have always seemed to have sensitive ears and nose. I wrapped cheeses, boxed cheeses and stood in the same place from seven in the morning until seven in the evening. After getting the bus to travel at five in the morning. Once the bus purposely left as I was struggling to get out of the doors of the bus station.

So I had to quickly get a taxi to work, thankfully still getting there just on time. I started having severe pain in my heels, I ignored this as I thought this was because I wasn’t used to working. My friends always complained of being tired and there feet hurting so maybe that was it. After three full time working of twelve hours a day, without complaining and telling them I was in pain. I could not deal with the pain anymore it felt like I was standing on hot coals all day everyday. I explained to the boss what was happening and how Ill I felt, I was advised this job just wasn’t for me so I accepted that and quit.

I went to visit a doctor about my feet, my left foot was now heavily limping as I was in so much pain. The doctor told me I had something called plantar factitious which used to be called something called polices heel. I was given a paper for non working payment until I got another job. The doctor also advised me that this was the wrong job for me.

Now if people are thinking, ‘Why would you work there if you can’t manage. Why didn’t you look more into it. If you knew a factory was noisy and you have sensitive ears, why did you go. Who in the right mind would go to a noisy big factory if they hate noise.’ Well, I am a person who is very curious, I like to try everything. Children usually do this to help them to know there limits and realise what is expected for them.

So as adults people should know what job they would be good at and who they want to be. Because I have “learning difficulties” and I am a little slower I had half the adults thinking I was thick and it would be faster to just do it all for me. Because I obviously would never get a job or make anything with my life right. And the other half would coddle and protect me from everything. So usually a child may turn into a little brat, and feel entitled to everything and everyone to help them as they had difficulties. While my classmates milked this and wanted more attention, I was the sort of person to get very annoyed by this.

Which had started my whole mission of being a person who wanted to have a “normal life” a husband, children, dogs and a job. This is my normal this is what I wanted. Though as an adult I am the person who is uninterested in getting married or having children. So is my boyfriend Juni, we just weren’t equipped to be like everyone else. It took me such a very long time to realise that this was okay, and that I was my own person.

Anyway, because I haven’t had much experience in life, because of other people. I don’t know what my limits are or even what I want to do in life. So I want to try everything, and see where I was happy and stay there. It isn’t easy, but this is my mission to find a job and be happy in life and I will get there.

I carried on having trouble with the job centre. As they wanted more proof I was looking for work. So I asked for help and advice. They asked me why I thought I couldn’t be a firefighter and I “never know” ummmmm…I have epilepsy, why do they think I can’t do that. I would be risking others life’s plus my own. Is it worth just to have a job you want to kill yourself and others. NO! The job centre worker then asked how epilepsy would stop me being a firefighter… I asked for help claiming universal credit, myself and another woman who was obviously struggling tried hard to work on the computers. I waited for the man who told me he would come to help me, he never came.

Another man tried to alternate between myself and the woman next to me. Luckily for me I understood his instructions and I can read. But I still don’t think I have applied properly out of confusion but I was getting no help. I went to check on the lady next to me to see if she is alright. She told me she would have to leave soon as no one was helping her. She can not read and has learning difficulties as well. The staff had “cleverly” wrote something down for her to READ and copy. This is what we are dealing with, I am pretty sure this plan won’t work.

I had problems of people saying they thought I had Aspergious. I was very defensive about it as well always feeling I should stick up for myself as nothing was wrong with me. I struggled a little more than others and I am slower but what’s wrong with that? I usually ignored strangers asking how I deal with this “problem” as I found them very rude. Then there was a woman at the job centre who is a part time teacher to kids with aspergious apparently. Every thing my mum told her she blamed aspergious.

Finally deciding I have had enough, I went to my college library when I started learning more maths at Runshaw College. I had a word with the librarian who was more than happy to “Help a fellow book worm” I ended up borrowing 40 books in the two weeks. I won a competition I only joined for fun winning a mug, sweets and a certificate.

I felt curious that I had every single personality that autistic people have, this could all be my personality. But I also needed more answers, so I decided after a few weeks considering this was affecting my life I would go and see a phycologist. I told this woman everything people had said and answered all her questions as honestly as I could. I told her I thought I had aspergious. She got me to sign forms and go through puzzles and quizzes.

I waited months for the results but finally did get a letter with my results. I was very happy because I don’t have aspergious, it looked like my careful planning of proving nothing is wrong with me worked. But before I could celebrate, it explained in the letter that I was a level 2 autistic. So I had a type of learning difficulty now and I would be lying if I said I was happy.

I was angry and confused at the beginning, then I thought about it more and and eventually settled down. I knew the phycologist wouldn’t just tell me something was wrong when there wasn’t and that she wanted to help. She explained that a lot of this could be my personality and my upbringing. But considering I had every single symptom I do have autism. I still struggle with being labelled as I wish we lived in a world where no one was judged and everyone was excepted. Unfortunately we don’t live in this sort of world, but lots of people have told me people understand autism more as it’s more common. So maybe I will get more help now with guidance towards a job?

Slice of Sicily was my next job, I found the job advertised on Facebook. I felt excited as it was an apprenticeship and my friend had told me they train you and usually get a job at the end and to try it. I was excited to get the job. Even when I explained my “problems” and the fact fact I know nothing over alcohol. I felt he was a great guy as he didn’t judge me and was giving me my deserved chance to shine and become a hard working individual.

I was moving home at the same time as working, so every time I had a day off I worked on packing and arranging things that needed doing. As well as trying to ring ESA to tell them my circumstances where changing. I told my boss I was doing this and was happy to have a job. I was excited to learn, even though my confidence isn’t very high. I gave my boss my card to send me money which he said he would do every Wednesday.

My boss promised me a free licence, that way I can work at any kitchen, waitress or bartender job I wanted. It was included in the apprenticeship and people paid five to six hundred pounds for this card. To get this I had to stay in the course for a year. Once I got paid and saved up enough, I was excited to get some gloves to stop my hands getting cut when I chopped food, (I’m clumsy and have dispracsia) and was warned by my boss my shoes weren’t appropriate as they were really slippy. But I needed to sort out bills and food before anything else. I was excited to get them and work harder.

I learned a lot and tried everything though I felt a bit nervous. I trained from learning to set up tables correctly, drying glasses, using the machines and the till, stocking shelf’s, learning to cook, answering the phone, writing down the food orders, washing up, cleaning and shovelling Ice out of the fridges. I found a few things very difficult, actually I found everything very difficult. I didn’t know this job was the most stressful job you can have. I also really didn’t know I needed to start a contract before I started working.

I found it difficult to cut fast and effective at the same time. My boss had told me the first day that slow was fine so long as I did it right. But after a couple of days, he told me I was to slow at cutting and to be faster. When I went faster I did it wrong, so I got in trouble for this to. I felt nervous around some customers as I could feel that they would be unhappy when waiting to long.

As I couldn’t help how fast my colleague cooked I kept a smile on my face and tried to help all I could. Luckily for me all the customers even if they were unhappy were very kind to me. Well they tried to be kind, and kindness goes a long way for me. I struggled a lot with the coffee machine and the till. The till was horrible and very confusing for me, it seemed when I made a mistake I would stop and shout at myself and lose my confidence. My first day was nerve wracking and I was terrified, I was so glad my bosses wife (his partner in the business) came in and introduced herself and helped me out.

I found it very hard to reach the sharp knifes on the top shelf. My boss told me I could ask my colleague if I needed anything as he was taller than me. Though when I was in the kitchen my colleague was really busy while I was washing up. We already had a language barrier as I am English and my colleague is Italian. There was also the fact everything was so fast and stressful. Go figure, it’s a restaurant I did know it would be like that. But I did feel I did everything wrong.

I ended up just washing up the pots, putting them in a machine to clean them and drying them. My colleague told me not to dry them as it’s quicker..but then I got into trouble for it from my boss. I still did smaller job like basic cleaning, shining the utensils and stuff like that. Though I felt like I wasn’t trusted with the customers anymore.

Because I made some sort of error writing down the food people ordered…to this day I have no idea what I did wrong..I wasn’t allowed to write down the orders again. I asked my boss what every alcohol bottle was, because as I said I know nothing over alcohol. A lot of bottles have the labels, though it took me a while to find it and I panicked to just get my boss to pick it up. Then I remembered the colour and the shelf it was kept on afterwards. I cleaned the toilet everyday and took the bags of rubbish out everyday. When I came in I always set the tables as neat as possible.

I enjoyed spending some time with my colleague on our own sometimes, though he did start shouting at me when I got something wrong on the ordering. The boss had not been in at the time, and it seemed my colleague was upset that he got shouted at by our boss when he didn’t teach me things and he didn’t even bother to show up until he was ready. He shouted he wasn’t stupid and something about sitting on a couch relaxing while he’s working. The boss chose this moment to walk in and they both screamed at each other upsetting me and worrying the customers. The boss was gesturing at me so I got scared and snuck away hiding behind the counter.

I had always waited for my colleague ten minutes after shift as he took the bus and I understood. Though I once waited an hour outside in the cold for my boss, I put my headphones in and listened to music. I don’t have keys as this was an apprentice Job and I was training. I didn’t get an apology but he explained he has been ill high blood pressure and stomach ache. So I understood and hoped he felt better really soon. He complained that Drs and pharmacy took to long and didn’t seem to understand that he needed to get to work even though they told him they’d be ten minutes. It could have been worse I have waited longer than that for other groups and jobs..

But I had fun tasting the food, the seafood was fine. But the colleague was a good chef, he made a delicious Italian pasta to show me which I think Juni can make as well. I was proud of myself when I first got the hang of the boost drinks, I made a customer a lager and was happy I didn’t spill a lot and got it correct. No one saw me do this but the customers who where very kind to me and patient. The one thing I didn’t like was the fact my boss had dropped a dish in the bin with a cheeseball on it, but picked it back up and put it on a customers plate. I know it happened once and he took it straight back out it didn’t even touch the garbage in side the bin…but to me that is disgusting it takes two minutes to cook another one for the customer.

A child wanted apple juice one day, I happily made it but noticed it was chunky and something was wrong with it. The apple juice boxes where right next to the customers and the kid had pointed out what he had wanted. I tried to explain everything to my colleague and he said to not tell them it was out of date, to keep it between them. I tried to tell him the juice was right there next to the customers and asked what he wanted me to tell the customers now. He said he would sort it out, and went over to pick up the apple juice..in front of them. Then tell them they had run out out apple juice. I know he does speak much English but I did try not to laugh out of confusion.

I learned to box pizza boxes, and I mopped the floor before boxing them. I got it to wet though, and was worried the customers may fall as there was no wet floor signs to warn them but either me or my boss warned them to stay in the front when they came in. I had just finished washing up and was asked to clean the sides and the walls etc. I was looking for a clean cloth, but he wanted me to wipe it with the towel I had just dried the pots with. He told me it was “As easy as that.” While he wiped the dirt and pizza sauce of the metal table. I knew the boss knew what he was doing, but I was confused as Juni had told me that was unhygienic? They had a five star rating from the year before so I obviously just listened so I didn’t get in trouble.

I was dealing with a customer as the floor was still wet. I didn’t know how to fix that and was told to leave it. So I thought I got his drink order wrong. There was a difference in price for for both alcoholic wines and of course I felt embarrassed and asked him if he would like me to ask. Not wanted to scream towards the kitchen I started “walking normally” over to the kitchen not uncarefully.

And I tripped on the wet floor and protecting my head and neck quickly I banged my elbow which just happened to be my funny bone. This as most people know is an extremely sensitive part of the body. I was in immediate pain and felt very dizzy to the point my world was spinning. It felt like one of my awful bad panic attacks. I got up quickly as I didn’t want to upset the customers, and yes afterwards I realise how silly it was to get up really quickly as I felt very dizzy and that the customers would be concerned not upset. I probably looked more of an idiot wobbling upwards to stand up to be fair. But remember I had just fallen over and I was really dizzy, I was not thinking logically.

As I stood and walked I felt weak and more dizzy, I started to think I was panicking or was going to throw up. So the minute my boss came out and checked my arm which was only bleeding a bit and I wasn’t to bothered about this. But because I was dizzy I leaned forward practically hugging my boss telling him I felt very nauseous and dizzy. I felt very scared as he guided me towards the sink to wash the blood of my arm. My boss left the kitchen, probably to see if the customers where okay or to explain himself and apologise. The minute I put my arm under the cold water to clean myself, I realised I couldn’t feel the cold water and I felt tired. The next minute I found everything go black and found myself lying on the floor on my side with my head on the floor. I had no idea what happened or if I hit my head or anything but I didn’t feel as dizzy as I did before. And my head didn’t hurt or have any blood so I wasn’t really worried. I still felt very tired and saw my boss coming towards me. He helped me up and sat me down giving me a pint of cold water. I saw the customers pay and say goodbye and wished them a good afternoon.

I made stupid mistakes after I fell that day and seemed to keep daydreaming. I got confused when my boss told my to clean near the bottles. I thought he meant to spray and clean the bottles. Just to be embarrassed when he told me he actually wanted me to spray and clean the glass fridge doors…oops. It even turned out that after I spoke to my boss I didn’t even get the damn order with the customers wrong. Once I got home I couldn’t move my arm anymore. I had to take a taxi because I was in so much pain I was almost crying. I tried taking a bath and could not move that arm without pain. It was alright if I kept my arm still and lifted up to my chest. I texted a few of my friends for advice and they said to go to hospital if it was still hard to move as I can’t work.

In the morning I started shouting in pain with my elbow as pain was in my elbow and all down my arm. I went to the pharmacy round the corner to ask to buy some pain killers to help me at work. They advised me to go to ANE because they are upset at the way I was holding up my sore arm. They explained they meant that second and skip work which confused me. They told me my boss would understand as it seemed I was in a lot of pain, which I really was. So I needed to pay for a bus and signed myself in explaining what happened. I waited in the waiting room for around two hours, a poor old lady who was bruised from head to toe sat near me in a wheelchair. Two ladies I assumed where her daughters where with her. I hadn’t eaten that day yet and was eyeing her chips with a little jealousy.

When I got seen I explained again what happened and was finally given some pain killers as they were really needed. I was given a bandage around my arm, to help me rest my arm and then I waited back in the waiting room for another hour. I went to get an X-ray to see if my arm was fractured or dislocated in any way. It hurt as the staff kept moving my elbow in different angles, though I didn’t believe it was broken as I would be screaming more and not moving it at all. I waited in the second waiting room another hour.

The poor old beat up looking lady with her two daughters where next to me. I spoke to another lady who had waited three hours for a taxi as she could get out of hospital and couldn’t walk. It turned out I had just banged my tissue in my elbow pretty hard and in a really sensitive area. At least it wasn’t fractured or worse.

I then I spoke to the best up lady as I waited for a new sling bandage, she had fallen downstairs and didn’t want to bother anyone. So never rang either of her daughters until the next day to take her to hospital. She was kind and I explained in brief detail what happened to me and showed her my elbow. One of the daughters scoffed at my arm and said it was nothing next to her mothers. I felt offended as it was more painful than it looked but also felt very small and felt I had complained to much. Though it wasn’t a competition with who was the most hurt I pushed back the pain I felt.

These lady’s where as tired as I was and I told the poor lady I hoped she wasn’t in to much pain and that she would be okay. Luckily the hospital nurse called me over at that moment. She put a new bandage sling on me, and I was send home to rest. I explained to my boss about my situation and that I was wearing a sling as it was helping me rest my arm. He was kind about it on messages, though he misunderstood when I told him “I was waiting in the hospital for almost five hours. He somehow mistook this as me telling him I was waiting outside the restaurant to start work. And told me not to make up stories. He did say sorry after realising he had made a mistake. I do wish I asked them to check for a concussion. But I seemed to be okay and was more worried about the pain at the time.

Hungry and tired now, please can I come in tomorrow” my mum felt it was not right that I have the days off just because I was in pain. Though I just couldn’t help it that day and went home after the okay from the boss, and getting some food, I went to a deep sleep as soon as I took another pain killer and put my head on my soft pillow.

I went into work the next early morning with a thick bandage on, I was meant to wear the sling but I felt it would be to hard to do my work with it on. It was hurting me terribly whenever I accidently caught it even slightly. I was shocked as my boss told me off for needing to go to hospital. He proceeded to tell me that I could not go to the hospital over every small injury.

I explained slightly irritated that I don’t go to hospital over every tiny thing and I couldn’t move my arm without pain. He said he did understand but I needed to see his point of view as well. He had customers complaining as there was only himself and my coworker working. It made business slower as they needed me (I am not a fast pace level yet it doesn’t make to much difference) so he was upset and of course couldn’t pay me as I hadn’t been there.

I say the not paying me was fair, but I was upset when he took of hours and gave me more days off as a result of going to the hospital. I felt this was a punishment for being in pain and I missed out on money I needed badly. I even got an ugly white scar on my elbow for the accident. My boss suddenly told me I could have insurance as it was my fault, I wasn’t even thinking about insurance. He wrote something in the accident book, I am not sure what he had written, I didn’t even know he had an accident book. But the boss said I did a good job cleaning the walls and lights and pipes in the kitchen, even though I was way to slow. I was told to wash the lights and wall with wet cloths and washing up liquid. He told me to dry it with a towel quickly so I didn’t get electrocuted.

I was left once on my own in the restaurant, I think an emergency happened as my boss had looked very panicked. All I had to do was clean the kitchen myself with no colleague or anyone watching or being there. Then lock up the restaurant, turn all lights of, take out the garbage and return the key the next morning. I agreed, but when he had left and it suddenly clicked in my brain I was alone I started having a massive panic attack.

What if I didn’t do a good job, what if I forgot to clean something, what if I lost the key, all sorts of nasty and worrying thoughts entered my mind. I believed I did a very bad job and I would get fired the next day. If it wasn’t for my boyfriend Juni I probably would have been there a lot longer than two hours. I got home at one in the morning in hysterics. The next morning my colleague said I did a good job, he just showed me how to unplug the washing machine to let all the water out.

My colleague thought that the fridge would blow up, it felt warm and he panicked. My colleague pushed me out of the kitchen and I had a small panic attack when he tried to signal a big boom. I understood something was going to blow up and confused as to why we weren’t waiting outside for our boss and just outside the kitchen. When our boss got back he looked at it, told me everything was fine, and called the poor colleague an idiot. Goodness knows what else he said as he started they started talking Italian again.

We had a young looking lad as the deliverer driver. He made me laugh a lot, even when I felt a little more down. He was a bubbly loud character who was never serious. He couldn’t cheer me up in my last day though. My boss has practically told me I am not good enough for the job. He said he couldn’t teach me common sense, that he couldn’t teach me about alcohol from A to Z, I was a slow chopper and it took me forever. (Ten minutes for a big box of big said tomatoes) and I keep doing things he hadn’t taught me to do.

He wanted me to go back to college (I wanted money to go to college) and I couldn’t do both an apprenticeship and college as it was the same thing. He let me know he wasn’t doing this for himself he was just trying to help me. Juni had explained that all bosses say this to lessen the blow. (Not make it out like they are bad people)

My boss had always told me that I could ask him questions. I asked them on Facebook messages but when he told me to stop and talk to him at work. As our conversations needed to be between us and not for the whole world to see. Though he would not hesitate to test me if he needed anything. I asked if I could have his number in case it’s important. But I never got it and never really got my payment though my card either.

My boss kept paying me in cash I wasn’t sure if he was doing this to help me as I needed the money or not. I thought it needed to be on card because of the government or something. Hopefully I won’t get into trouble for it. I was normally to nervous to ask questions as he always said stuff like. “Ohhh, your English and you don’t seem to understand.” Or “please use your common sense.” Or “I understand you have problems but have some common sense.”

I once asked nicely if he could please show me the order of the lids again on the pizza counter. He had shown me once but I found it difficult to remember, so I decided to remember a different way and take a photo once he had helped me. My boss asked if I forgot and I answered I had. He said in a irritable tone that “I should remember it then!” I felt upset and forget to take the photo with my phone. I didn’t ask him any questions again after that.

My mum was unhappy of how I was treated on the apprenticeship and believes he’s a scammer. As he hired people with mental health problems who cut them selves and younger people. I didn’t think this I thought he was a man who gave everyone a chance. I would like to believe at least one interviewer isn’t judgemental of mental health at least even if it’s very seeable on there wrists.

I wanted to talk to the young girl, tell her it will get better, that I know how she feels as I am there to. But I didn’t as I felt it would embarrass her and it wasn’t my place to say anything. The boss talked about his workers to other workers over what they were doing wrong. That my coworker was not spending his hard earned money on English lessons, that young people made excuses of having to be at university as there timetable had changed just because they didn’t want to be in.

That they had there “mummy and daddy’s” support who gave them money. I felt very guilty for not sticking up for anyone as I was to scared to get fired. Goodness knows what he said about me to other people behind my back and how twisted he made me sound. It explained why his customers didn’t look at me when I fell. He probably told them I was running or disobeyed an order. I told my sister in law when she came other about it. She used to work in hospitality as well, and she told me I wasn’t a failure and not to worry about people like that I’ll find a better job. This was the first time I had heard my sister in law tell us she wanted to tell someone where to shove it.

My mum helped me return money he’d given me in advance, I refused to keep the money I didn’t earn. It took a while for him to realise my mum was asking for his second name and not his bank name so she can send the money. Mum told us she thought this was obvious and she was tempted to tell him she thought it was “common sense” she wanted his full name.

I started to feel really under appreciated after all these temporary jobs, and a failure. I had lost ESA and PIP and had no money at all in my name. I couldn’t go to any groups or do any hobbies I needed to pay for. I couldn’t get a job and wanted to study more at college. I found a place in Marshall house to study English. There was the confusion of the fact I was a level two in English when I wrote on paper. But the computer told me I was a level one.

The teacher there explained that people who marked my work would have thought it was good and aren’t perfect. While the computer is better than a person marking my work. I could also only do on class at a time so I chose English first then maths. As I need extra help with my maths and measurements. The lessons are free and I get to practise work at home, so I am not complaining. I am very happy when people don’t think I am stupid and can get a job, I can. But there’s more to it than just picking a job and getting one. I need to get my GCSES, and I need money at the same time. If I did not have Juni I would be homeless as well. Because I didn’t want support, I can’t get it back once I get rid of them and I have no money and seem to struggle to keep a job. It’s true there’s a job for everyone out there, but there is finding it first.

I thought after a while that I had been though a lot all these years. I wondered if anyone else had been threw the same thing. Maybe people needed guidance like I did or was stuck in life. I have always struggled to communicate with people as well and really wanted to get my point across. I have always been better with explaining with writing it down. I remember as a kid me telling my father that I had wanted to be a children’s author.

It came out I wanted to be an orphan out of miscommunication but luckily my parents know me well and saw real excitement in my eyes. I explained what I thought an orphan was and they explained I meant I wanted to be an author. But I had practised writing stories everyday, I got very fast and could write anywhere. Including in the taxi to keep myself occupied. Unless the taxi driver decided to pick on me a bit and purposely speed up or go slightly faster if there was a bump, or made the car move side to side.

I gave up a couple of times because the assistant who sat with us in the back would always grass on me when I started writing. I told my mum he picked on me once because I needed to explain why I tried to throw a bottle of deodorant at him from the back seat. I don’t remember why I didn’t tell her about him moving the car or speeding up, this was incredibly dangerous for him to do. I think maybe I just didn’t realise when I was a teenager and just got to upset to let it enter my head to tell anyone. I ended up crying in the corner of the playground facing away from everyone so no one could see me a few times, only when the teasing got to much.

So thinking about the idea of a book for a couple of days, I knew I enjoyed playing with the musketeer characters in dnd games. Because they were animals and I love animals. So why not write a children’s story with my favourite characters as the main characters. Then after reading one of my favourite books, which is a biography. I thought why not make my own biography and hopefully help others and let people see my point of view as well.

I looked online to study over publishing a book. I was excited but tried not to get my hopes up as there had been a lot of disappointments lately. I talked to a few self publishers and was panicking when I heard about a package costing around three thousand pounds. But I learned there was different packages that I could afford after a while and calmed down. I had a long conversation with a company who tried to explain everything I needed to do and how much it would cost. Once I had asked all my questions, I started to write my books. I was hoping to find someone to edit my story though expensive one of my friends did tell me that it was worth the perfections help as they help with format, commas and paragraphs and everything. I think I remember writing a poem in a book at school, my teacher got it published and I was so proud. My mum and dad loved it I wonder if my mum still has it. She has a bad habit of losing her keys or phone. A book is a bit bigger than keys though.

I did feel I needed to apply for pip again and ask for universal credit. Though I would now like to work towards working as an administrator. It is obvious that I just can’t manage in an high stress job. I was making things worse for myself. And now I actually know that it is to stressful I am avoiding that situation. I thought considering I like paperwork, and I love repetition (routine) it would be better to try out for administration. But I first really needed to study and get to my GCSE especially if I wanted to be in administration.

ESA sent me a letter saying they overpaid me, and I didn’t call them to tell them my change of circumstances straight away. I did though, but instead of getting upset and panic I looked at the date the job was offered on Facebook. I had been told I was being charged as I didn’t tell them I was working at the twenty ninth of November. But the post was on Facebook on the date of the thirtieth of November.

I worked during Christmas, so how have I been overpaid? My last ESA credit on my statement was the 10/12/2018. I had been working in paid training four days before that, though I did ring a man to tell him my change of circumstances and he was very nasty to me. Because of that I got confused and upset and I am not sure if I told him the correct details. He was asking for statements for three months though I had been there in training four days. This was on the weekend and I worked from seven in the morning until eleven in the evening. So I could not ring anyone until my day of which was on a Tuesday. I hope this makes sense it’s all very confusing.

My mum told me there are people who are committing suicide. This will be because they had been told by the government they are not being entitled to any money when they are entitled to it. This includes the homeless by the way. The homeless try getting jobs but have no address so how they going to get one? You need an address for a job and money and a job to rent a house.

I have no money to my name, and the government is asking me for money. I had to move from my bigger two bedroomed house when I stopped my support workers. I stopped them because I feel I am independent and they weren’t even helping me. I have finally been told it is actually Juni who needs to apply for universal credit…..because he works and I don’t he’s entitled to it?

I am waiting for PIP and universal credit to get back to me. In the meantime I am doing all I can, I am unpacking and making myself feel at home in my new home, I am giving to charity the things I no longer use or need, I have written a letter to my old teachers to tell them how I am doing, I am studying at Marshall House in Preston to study English and Maths and work towards working as an administrator, and I am looking for part time work to get a little money to help me buy food and bills myself without getting all of Juni’s help as I feel I am using him. I don’t like asking for help because I would like to prove I am independent and worth it to train and work at a decent job.

I am trying to stay in decent control of my tables. I take fluoxetine, it’s works when I take it. I try to remember that I need to order tablets three days before there gone. Because it seems when I don’t I act crazy, I hit scream and throw and break things, I am a lot like an adult banshee instead of a human. I can carry on with a panic attack or a huge meltdown for hours. I believe my personal record was three hours straight. I have tears running down my cheeks like small waterfalls, red puffy eyes, a filled up with snot nose, and I can work myself up so bad that I can throw up the last thing I ate and drank. Sometimes I forget not to eat or drink when I am freaking out as it just throws itself back up. What I didn’t want was to be dependant on the tablets, but if I need them I need them, it’s better than going nuts on everyone and becoming violent.

Andrew has been nothing but kind and patient with me. He does get scared when I have a panic attacks but he tries to help me any way he can. I feel like crap when he gets scared of me and really hate having panic attacks and just want to get better.

Usually I need to have a walk, I can walk to calm down and usually am outside for four or five hours. Or I draw, read or something to take my mind of things. Sometimes Jackie lets me go to her house, we can play games or watch movies, talk for hours if I need to or even just have cuddles with her dog Amber. Amber licks a lot and seems to like everyone’s nostrils, at least she doesn’t like my toes as that would really tickle me.

I know that the learning difficulties, autism, OCD are not my personality simply because of the way I act. Doctors I don’t usually believe and ask for a second opinion, but there’s a difference between being labelled as something and seeing signs that something is very wrong with you. I can work around having autism eventually and I will get a job and become me eventually and have my freedom.

Anxiety disorders, mental disorders, and depression are so hard for me to explain. It’s not like fevers, chicken pox or anything you can really see. It’s not something everyone has been though or understands what’s always wrong with us. It is not something I can just get over, or something I pretend to have for attention. It hurts so much physically and emotionally, it tears you apart until there’s nothing left. Doctors will never admit they don’t know what to do, or they do not understand. They just give you tablets, injections and anything they can think of, just so you don’t come back and keep bothering them and listening to your problems.

Sometimes I want to go out and sometimes I really don’t. I feel isolated but want to be isolated at the same time. I am terrified everyone is going to leave me or just suddenly decide they hate me like other people have done in the past.

A part of me wishes I was just lazy and said I couldn’t get a job in the first place. Because I tried though to make my my life better and earn a living I found out I can’t yet. It’s just a vicious circle as well as people do still discriminate underneath the covers where no one can sue them. Then I am not clever enough to work anyway as I didn’t manage to get my GCSEs. I sure do feel stupid and worthless if I am honest. Turns out I may be entitled to ESA after all and the Job centre just “fobbed me off” I am asking advocates to come and help me and welfare rights, I need all the help I can get.

The illness can make me become invisible to everyone, or make me feel I want to be invisible. I can feel so hungry and thirsty, then feel numb and unable to hold anything down without throwing up. I feel dizzy and unable to cope, sometimes I don’t want to even go out to go shopping for food.

I feel ashamed that I had to ask Juni and even my mother for money to get food and pet food. As I had a bird and dragon. My mum knew I wouldn’t ask if I was not desperate and I swore I would pay her back immediately if I got the pip I had claimed. I suppose if this book has actually been published then I have got some sort of money finally.

I want to show my mother the most how independent I am. But all I have shown her is that I can’t manage to work and still need her as a crutch. I like giving to charity but it feels more embarrassing when you are the charity. I know there is some people who like having benefits and some people like being a charity case and getting free stuff, I am not and never will be one of them. Juni seems to think he can fix everything without help, he doesn’t want my mum or sister to help. I think he feels embarrassed or feels he’s not fully supporting my needs if we ask for help. I have this problem with pride to something I have been told is a sin, but so is having sex before marriage and I am not a marriage type of person. Juni feels the same, why should the government be apart of our relationship.

I always worry over Juni and love him dearly, I don’t want him to get hurt or anything. Sometimes I am overwhelming him I think, I don’t mean to be I just really care about him. I admit they are a few things I do like shout and cry and it does either look like I am abusing him or he is upsetting me. Juni, being a man, will always get the blame which I really hate. I see people look at us a lot with makes me feel upset as I am awful with people and social skills it makes me feel very scared. I don’t think our relationship will stay whole though. As I struggle to communicate with people and social cues. Things that don’t usually upset people upsets me, like there partner staying out really late even though you sometimes know where they are and there safe. Them saying they can be with you a certain time, if your friend or partner does hang out with you but are tired or want to do something else. As I prefer routine and hate changes especially if unexpected.

I can unfortunately become very angry, self destructive and even violent if things don’t go the way I plan. I am not self centred really, I just don’t understand how to respond to these situations. If I make a shopping list and a budget I want it to be the same all the time. Going as far as to go to every shop in Preston to get one item like a pacific sort of chocolate if the shop I am at won’t sell it.

So what I want to try and say in my book is, don’t think just because some people are labelled with disability’s. That means they can’t do anything for themselves or they don’t know what they are doing. We do, most of the time we are very functional, we can have our own house and a job. Just in some cases we need a little extra guidance sometimes. But don’t do everything for people just because you think they can’t do it, people need a challenge to grow. But don’t be to soft on us either. We do know right from wrong. It’s unfair to treat us different. It either makes us feel stupid or people think they can get away with everything wrong or mistakes they make someone will fix it. Your getting people to stop caring and trying.

Please do not let anyone get away with bad behaviour. You are creating a non confident person who will think they can’t do anything. If you do everything for us instead of just guiding us in the right direction, we will feel trapped or some people will try to get away with everything, become lazy and make there “problems” excuses making you do it and not learn. We are normal people who deserve respect and encouragement.

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