The Company Standard Operating Procedures | 18 Official Ways to Make Running a Pub More Complicated

COMMON SENSE HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED. PLEASE COMPLETE A FORM TO REQUEST ITS REINSTATEMENT.

• Ever worked somewhere that spent £400 investigating a missing £2.40?
• Ever been told to reduce labour costs while improving service, increasing sales and somehow employing more people?
• Ever received an urgent email from Head Office explaining that you’re spending too much time reading emails from Head Office?

Congratulations. You're already qualified to work at The Parker Arms.

Introducing The Parker Arms Company Standard Operating Procedures — 18 official-looking documents proving that absolutely anything can be made worse with the correct procedure.

From the people who brought you mandatory fun, impossible KPIs and the phrase “We're all one big family” immediately before cancelling your day off.

INSIDE THIS MASTERPIECE OF ADMINISTRATIVE NONSENSE:

💰 CASH HANDLING

A missing 12p must be investigated using CCTV. If the cameras aren't good enough, request better cameras. Finance will reject the request because it's too expensive.

📅 LABOUR MANAGEMENT

You must maintain minimum staffing levels without exceeding your labour budget. The recommended solution is to find someone who's simultaneously working, off duty and already being paid.

🍽️ GUEST COMPLAINTS

A guest is unhappy about the weather. You must take personal ownership of the situation and explain what you intend to do about the rain.

🍺 DRINKS SERVICE

Guinness must be poured correctly, allowed to settle properly and served within a time target set by someone who has apparently never seen Guinness.

🍟 KITCHEN WASTE

A Chef drops a chip worth 3p. A manager earning £18.50 an hour must investigate the financial implications. Nobody is allowed to mention the cost of the investigation.

📊 PROFIT PROTECTION

The kitchen must use less food while serving exactly the same amount of food. Anyone suggesting realistic portion costs will be referred to Commercial for having a negative attitude.

WHAT YOU ACTUALLY GET

• 18 gloriously ridiculous, one-page SOPs covering Management, Front of House and Back of House.
• A complete 19-page official-looking manual for anyone who enjoys being professionally disappointed.
• Individual printable PDFs, perfect for staffroom noticeboards, office walls and passive-aggressive management communications.
• Instant digital download. No induction required. No online training module. No regional sign-off.

IDEAL FOR:

Pub managers who have stopped asking why.

Bar staff who are expected to be in four places at once.

Chefs who are personally responsible for the national food-cost crisis.

And anyone who's ever heard the words “It's just a quick form” and immediately lost the will to live.

JUST £2.99.

That's considerably less than the cost of investigating a missing chip.

Although Finance will still want to know which budget it's coming out of.

THE PARKER ARMS

Hospitality Confidential — Official Procedures for Situations That Previously Required Common Sense.

Digital download. Satirical entertainment only. Please do not attempt to run an actual pub using these procedures. Several companies have already tried.