“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
— C.G. Jung
So often, we go through life on autopilot, letting our relationships drift without ever really checking in. We forget birthdays, overlook key details about our loved ones, miss opportunities for deep connection, and sometimes, without realizing it, we allow certain relationships to fade into the background.
Relationships Don’t Just Happen
Relationships don’t just happen; they take active commitment and choice. Our relationships are shaped by the unconscious patterns and habits of ourselves and those we are in relations with. If we’re not actively aware of how we’re showing up, those unconscious patterns will quietly take the reins and turn our relationships to relation-shit. So often, when we're not paying attention, we find ourselves looking around wondering why certain relationships feel unfulfilling or why we’re not connecting in the ways we want to. The solution to this problem is gentle awareness and conscious, deliberate action.
Shining a Light on Hidden Patterns
Tracking your relationships is like shining a bright light on those hidden patterns. You begin to notice where you are —and are not— showing up and which relationships could use a bit more conscious care and attention; you also have the opportunity to grow those relationships that are budding into more deep and meaningful connections. It’s about making the unconscious — your emotional state, your energy, the subtle dynamics of your connections — conscious. And once that happens, you have the power to change it. You stop letting fate dictate the quality of your connections, and instead, you take the reins to make sure they reflect your true values.
Making More Fulfilling Choices
Recognizing our patterns gives us the freedom to make more fulfilling choices. Maybe it’s a hard conversation with a friend who’s been unknowingly pushing your boundaries. Maybe it’s making time for someone who needs more of your attention. Or it might be stepping back from relationships that aren't aligning with where you want to be. When you’re aware, you get to take intentional action — and that’s when the magic happens.
Tracking Relationships Isn’t About Scorekeeping
Tracking relationships isn’t about turning them into data points or scorekeeping. It’s not about scrutinizing yourself or anyone else. It’s about noticing — noticing what feels good and what does not. Noticing what you enjoy and what you do not. Noticing what connections you want more of and which ones need a bit of a break. Noticing when you’re not showing up as the person you want to be. Ultimately, it’s about creating conscious connections that help you grow and thrive in your life over time. Creating an integrated system to keep track of these things has been a game-changer. It’s not about perfection; it’s about being present and intentional.
Show Up Fully for Yourself First
We can only show up fully for others when we’re aware of what’s going on within ourselves. If we’re not paying attention to our own emotional and relational needs and the work we need to do, we’re doing everyone —including ourselves— a disservice. That’s why tracking relationships isn’t just a tool for keeping in touch — it’s a tool for cultivating a deeper, more intentional life filled with all the love and connection you deserve.
If you're interested in a streamlined system to help you better manage your relationships with yourself and others, check out The Insight Engine.
Recommended Reading on Friendship
Here are some books on friendship that I've read and enjoyed (in no particular order):
- Fighting For Our Friendships by Danielle Bayard Jackson
- Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Dr. Marisa G Franco
- Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues by David Bradford, Ph.D., and Carole Robin, Ph.D.
- Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson
- The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People by Rachel Wilkerson Miller
- Friendshipping: The Art of Finding Friends, Making Friends, and Being Friends by Jenn Bane, Trin Garritano, Jean Wei (Illustrator)
