If you're raising a child who struggles with anxiety, PDA, or a strong need for autonomy, you've probably had this moment: you ask for something small — shoes on, screen off, come to the table — and it somehow becomes the biggest fight of the day.
You're not imagining it. And it's not about the shoes.
It's about demands — and specifically, about when they're placed, not just what they are. Understanding this one shift is often the difference between a morning that runs smoothly and one that ends in tears, for both of you.
What Is a "Demand," Really?
In behavioural terms, a demand is any request that expects a response — however small. Most parents picture the obvious ones: "clean your room," "do your homework." But demands are often hiding in plain sight:
- Transitions — "Time to leave"
- Social expectations — "Say hello"
- Thinking demands — "What do you want for dinner?"
- Sensory demands — a noisy, bright, or busy environment
- Emotional demands — "Calm down"
For a child who is anxious, overwhelmed, or has a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, even these invisible demands can register as pressure — and pressure is often exactly what triggers resistance, shutdown, or a meltdown.
The Question That Reduces Power Struggles: Essential or Optional?
Here's the reframe that changes daily life for many families I work with: before placing a demand, ask whether it's essential right now or whether it can wait.
This isn't about lowering your expectations or letting your child avoid everything difficult. It's about sequencing. A dysregulated nervous system can't access learning or cooperation — so a demand placed in that moment is far more likely to bounce off, or backfire, than one placed once your child is calm and ready.
A simple decision path looks like this:
- Is this demand essential right now? If not, consider whether it can wait until your child is in a better state.
- Does my child have the skill to meet this demand? If not, break it into smaller steps or model it first.
- Is my child calm and regulated? If not, help them regulate before you ask anything of them.
- Only then, place the demand — using calm, clear, and supportive language.
This is the exact framework inside my free guide, Essential or Optional? Matching Demands to Your Child's Needs — including a printable decision flowchart and a 7-day tracker to help you notice the pattern in your own family's week.
Small Language Shifts That Make a Big Difference
Alongside timing, how you phrase a demand matters more than most parents realise. A few swaps that tend to reduce resistance immediately:
Instead of… Try…
"Do it now" "Let's start together"
"You have to" "We need to…"
"Stop that" "Let's try this instead"
"Because I said so" "Here's why this matters…"
Your tone matters more than your exact words. Calm plus predictable equals safer for your child's nervous system — and a safer nervous system is a more cooperative one.
What to Do When It Still Goes Wrong
Even with the right framework, some moments will still be hard. That's not a sign you're doing it wrong. What matters most is what happens next:
- Pause and regulate yourself first
- Reduce demands temporarily
- Repair the connection — "That was hard for both of us. Let's try again together."
Connection first, then cooperation. Always in that order.
Try It Yourself: Free Guide + Interactive Tool
I've put this entire framework into a free 11-page guide, Essential or Optional? Matching Demands to Your Child's Needs — including the full decision flowchart, real-life examples for mornings, homework, and leaving the house, and a 7-day reflection tracker.
It now also includes a free interactive companion tool you can save straight to your phone: work through the decision questions in real time and track your week with a tap — no login, nothing to install.
Download the free guide + interactive tool → Click here
Frequently Asked Questions
What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)? PDA is a profile sometimes seen within the autism spectrum, characterised by an anxiety-driven need to resist and avoid everyday demands and expectations, even ones the child wants to do.
How do I stop my child from having a meltdown over simple requests? Start by checking whether the demand is essential in that moment, whether your child has the skill to meet it, and whether they're regulated enough to engage. Adjusting timing and wording—rather than removing the request altogether—is usually more effective than pushing through or avoiding the topic entirely.
Does reducing demands mean I'm letting my child avoid everything difficult? No. Reducing demands in the moment your child is dysregulated isn't the same as removing the expectation permanently — it's about choosing the right moment to ask, so your child is actually in a position to succeed.
Is this approach only for children with a PDA profile? No — while it's especially useful for PDA and demand-avoidant profiles, the essential/optional framework helps any family navigating anxiety, big emotions, or daily power struggles around routine requests.
Leticia Tomsik is a behaviour analyst — UKBA (cert)/BCBA and founder of Berkshire Behaviour Consultancy —supporting parents and school professionals of neurodivergent children through an approach combining ABA, ACT/DNA-V, assent-based practice, and trauma-informed care.
Comments ()