So there I am.

Museum Gardens.

Rippin' Webkinz Mobile like it’s a call option on opendoor stock.

Wheel of Wow spinning,

dopamine hitting.

You know the drill.

Out of nowhere, bird strike.

Four birds deep, land right next to me and sets up a birthday picnic.

Cupcakes appear.

“Would you like some cake?”

And how could I deny such a sacred specimen of her goods?

To refuse cake is to spit in the face of God Himself. You think of me as a sinner? Please.

I’m the last to be served… and the first to finish.

A nice change of pace.

And that's when it got me thinking...

You know when shawty-bae hits you with the classic: “So… what have you been up to?”

And we give a boring response:

"Nothing much"

"Watching game of thrones"

Life on the edge is so much better.

Life as Mad Libs

Middle-school worksheets prepared us for this.

Fill in the blank with “moist giraffe,” and suddenly you’re living in a democracy that worships him as president.

Same rules apply here.

People who answer “what’ve you been up to?” with “not much” are civilians. I’m looking for soldiers. Soldiers who say:

“Just finished phase two of my underground mole army. They strike at dawn.”

“Breeding ferrets for espionage. Don’t ask questions.”

“Learning parkour exclusively inside TJ Maxx. VERY unforgiving terrain.”

The Curveball Doctrine

You only need two delivery styles:

Zero Hesitation – Smooth. Drop it like fact:

“Yeah, I’ve been training dolphins to text. They only use emojis but progress is progress.”

Maximum Hesitation – Like she just found your burner phone:

“Uh—uhhh—it’s… it’s not illegal if I say… balloon smuggling, right?”

Advanced Tones

Pick your flavor.

Smooth Criminal: “I don’t own a submarine. But I rent one out on weekends.”

Deadpan Psycho: “Taxidermying frogs so they can attend my dinner parties.”

Villain Monologue: (whisper) “Every night, I feed pigeons. One day, they will remember.”

Guy Who Lost a Bet: “Had to join a LinkedIn group for centaurs. Can’t leave now. Too deep.”

Pro-Tip: Selling the Bit

Don’t let them breathe.

If you say you’re selling candy out of your trunk—

immediately follow with:

“High five, buddy!"

clap your own hands and shout:

"Now get outta here before your mom finds out.”

Then pivot.

“Anyway, how’s your day been?”

Leave them wondering if they just met a cult leader or a Craigslist ad in human form.

Final Word:

Stop being predictable.

When someone asks what you’ve been up to, don’t say “just chillin’.”

Say you’ve been teaching seagulls to unionize.

Then walk away before they can follow up.

And remember kids (after you've finished your candy) when they call you weird...

Remind them of the quote from Albert Einstien that no one can prove he said:

"The thing about smart people is they seem weird to dumb people"