Let’s be honest:

Sometimes, someone you barely tolerate posts a life update that makes your soul shrivel just a little.

They bought a house.

Got married.

Launched a brand.

Started a podcast.

Wrote a book.

Found “alignment.”

Did mushrooms in Bali and now they’re a shaman.

And you?

You’re still eating cereal for dinner,

arguing with your cat,

and pretending your “creative process” requires three naps a day

The Subtle Art of Pretending You’re Not Envious

You don’t feel envy.

No, no.

You’re evolved.

You’ve read The Four Agreements.

You meditate.

You journal.

You sage your apartment.

You're above all that petty human emotion.

But just to be safe, let’s check.

Here’s your handy-dandy Envy Detection Checklist™:

Do you refer to their success as “a phase” or “just a trend”?

Did you mute their stories but still occasionally check their profile… just to make sure they're still thriving and you’re still miserable?

Do you find yourself thinking: “It’s not even that good”?

Have you rewritten your entire life plan at 2AM after seeing one of their posts?

Do you fantasize about them tripping on stage, metaphorically or literally?

If yes to one or more, congratulations:

You’re not a monster.

You’re just… human.

And also a little envious.

But mostly human.

The Real Problem With Envy

The problem isn’t envy.

It’s that you don’t want to admit it.

Aka "The Shit Coming Out Through Your Emotional Pampers."

(See This Blog to Learn How to Wipe Your Ass)

Because admitting envy feels like saying:

“Hi, I’m insecure, and I wish I was winning.”

Which, let’s face it, is the exact opposite of your online persona,

where you’re effortlessly unbothered and "just vibing."

Except you’re not vibing.

You’re spiraling.

Let’s Talk Solutions

Now that we’ve diagnosed your emotionally transmitted disease (envy), what do we do?

Step 1: Name It

Say it with me now:

“My Name is.....

....And I am envious.”

Not “inspired.” Not “triggered.” Not “just observing.”

Envious.

Say it again. Out loud. Into the mirror.

The one you were avoiding because it reflects your un-started dreams.

Step 2: Extract the Desire

What is it you’re really envious of?

The money?

The courage?

The audacity to post daily selfies with captions like “Just be you 💫”?

Name it. Own it.

Step 3: Do Something.

Anything.

Post the thing.

Build the thing.

Apply for the thing.

Or don’t.

But at least stop using your free time to emotionally cyberstalk people who are doing what you secretly want to do.

The Twist Ending

Here’s the real kicker:

The person you envy?

They're probably envying someone else.

Maybe even you.

For your originality.

Your freedom.

Your brain.

Your memes.

But you’re too busy loathing them to notice.

So here’s a wild idea:

Next time you feel that twist in your gut when someone wins…

Treat it like a GPS ping.

Your envy isn’t punishment.

It’s a clue.

Go follow it.

And maybe, one day, you’ll be the one getting muted by insecure strangers on the internet.

Isn’t that the dream?