Friends, Family, and Concerned Citizens,
Tragic news today: Sam texted me to say Layla has contacted the police because she’s terrified of me.
Which is odd, because I haven’t been looking for her as of late. I’ve been looking for me. And she’s been on holiday.
But, I’ll save it for the court system. (Or whatever they have here in the UK)
So, big plot twist, I’ll be going to jail. Sam must’ve found my baby oil stash while he was watering my potato plant, Tater.
In either case, I owe you some gratitude. You did offer to water Tater while I was on holiday. So I’m looking forward to seeing how big both of my boys have gotten! (Once I’ve posted bail)
I’d say, “Catch me at The Beehive for one last pint,” but that’s a lie.
I’m actually going to grab a couple bottles of wine first. I’d like to be classy on my way to the slammer.
Layla, dearest beauty, if you haven’t already, please hand these directions to the police so they don’t waste valuable taxpayer money circling York trying to find my criminal mastermind hideout.
I even went through the liberty of finding the nearest police station, which is only a 12-minute drive away.
Layla, if you’d like me to walk myself, we can save about 5 minutes. The walk is only 19 minutes. No need to waste time!
- Head north 150 ft
- Turn right toward Station Rd/A1036
- Turn left onto Station Rd/A1036 (keep following it)
- Turn left onto St Leonard’s Pl/A1036
- Turn right onto Gillygate/A1036
- Turn right onto Lord Mayor’s Walk/A1036
- Turn left onto Monkgate/A1036
- Then finally… turn right onto Monkgate Cloisters
Once you hit Monkgate Cloisters,
take a left at the end of the street.
Look for the door with the blue sign.
That’s me.
I’d arrest myself to save everyone the hassle, but unfortunately my fuzzy handcuffs are back home.
I’ll leave the keys in the lockbox after my trip to Tesco. Code is 2531. (Fibonacci shit)
Gotta stock up on snacks and wine for my prison cell.
Oh, and my jam for the rest of the evening.
Love and potential felony charges,
Wait no no, that’s the US.
Love and potential major crimes,
Your Future Cellmate,
P Dalty Combs
Unless of course my roommate was joking, and hasn’t found my baby oil yet.
Anything that is real cannot be threatened.