May is Mental Health Awareness & Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month. I happen to have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not going to go into the criteria but having this mental illness is extremely exhausting. Both mentally and physically. My anxiety has been pretty bad as well and I was recently prescribed a new antidepressant to take in addition to one I already take. And so far I think it's helping. I've been able to focus more on projects and that's something I've always had a problem with. I wouldn't say I have ADHD, but I have a short attention span and a really bad memory.
Anyways, I'm starting to feel a little good about myself but people with BPD (not short for Bipolar Disorder, that's two words not three) have a difficult time regulating their emotions. Meaning it's hard for me to hold on to one emotion. They can change so rapidly over any given situation, it's made me a bit of a recluse so I can avoid any interaction with people. Interaction can lead to incidents and I'm crazy. Like sweet as pie one minute then blind, furious rage the next minute, back to being sweet, kind of crazy.
And if I'm manic (which isn't a term used for BPDers but it's how I feel) I dissociate and do or say things I normally wouldn't do. It's like a light switch goes on and off. Or rather a dimmer switch, because with medication and therapy, I try my best to control myself and my emotions. Avoiding people helps. The majority of my socializing is online. It feels safer that way. If someone pisses me off, I can block them. It's just another person behind a screen and they can't hurt me or vice versa. Yeah, that's how I think.. trauma does that to a person.
With all the newfound focus on my work, I'm afraid I'll overwhelm myself and then stop working all together. Something I've done in the past. But I am giving myself a deadline. Yes, from now on through the summer I'm going to finish my story. I haven't written a complete story in years but now I'm ready. I guess I'm afraid but I don't know why. Maybe my story will be a piece of shit compared to others. You know what, whenever I start to think like this, I remember 50 Shades of Grey. That was a huge piece of shit and look how successful it became. There goes my shining hope again!
My confidence wavers, which is normal for someone with my mental illness. Part of me hates myself and another part of me thinks I'm this awesome person who's super talented. If someone were to tell me that, I wouldn't believe them. It's not being humble, if I don't believe in myself all the time, why should I believe someone else? That's something I'm working on. I think this blog helps because you get to see the inner workings of another mentally ill author and as history has shown, they're usually the best writers. So, yay me! Until next time, my Loves, thanks for stopping by!!
Xo, T 💜