Imposter syndrome. Everyone deals with it, unless they're self-confident or cocky. I am neither. Well, on bad days. On good days, I actually think I'm talented. I read back my work, nodding my head and smiling, "Why yes, this is some real good work here! I'm sure others will like it too!" But then the doubt creeps in. What if they don't like it? How will I know if I'm good enough or not? I am, after all, only human.
Yes, I am human and I have Borderline Personality Disorder and need constant validation. I need someone to tell me I'm not wasting my time doing what I love. Because, if I suck at it, why bother? That's probably why it takes me so long to complete a story. The main idea is in my head but actually writing down the words is a chore. I'm not even sure that's the right word for it. But it takes me a long time to actually do it. Procrastination is a writer's best friend and worst enemy. I do my best to embrace and defeat this unworthy foe.
I don’t want to burn out before my star gets too bright. But I know if I don't write at least once a week, I’ll fall behind in my own timeline. For example, it’s taken me all week to write this blog. I started it on Tuesday and it is now Thursday. I feel behind on a self enforced schedule that I barely follow. But it is my own chaos, my own method of madness and eventually I do churn some decent work out.
What is imposter syndrome? Google says its, the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills. "People suffering from impostor syndrome may be at increased risk of anxiety." That makes sense, I’m an anxious bundle of nerves because I can’t do the other thing that I love, smoke weed. Weed helped me relax, it gave me inspiration (depending on the strain) but now that I’m allergic, my life feels out of balance. The only thing I have left is writing. I need to buckle down.
It’s still pretty early, I’ve been awake since 5am and it is now almost 7:30am. I have a to-do list for today. The first thing I wanted to do was finish this week’s blog and the second, was to work on my Hello Summer Paperback Scrapbook. I need to put my creativity to use. It just feels dulled without my weed. I need to find something to help quiet my mind or focus. I’m on psych meds that should help with that as well as a Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino. I don’t drink coffee often but when I do, I can say it’s pretty efficient.
I’m reading back what I’ve written so far and part of me thinks it doesn’t make any sense but at least I’ve written something. I just put on my chakra stones necklace, maybe a little natural magic will help me feel better. Speaking of nature, I try to think positively that it’s the universe telling me to quit smoking weed and from there good things will happen for me. This newfound allergy sends me into a panic and then to the ER and I’m tired of that. I want to live! I just don’t know how to.
Perhaps that's why I love writing. I get to create a world that is my own. I may have anxiety, I may have an addiction, I may be crazy, but I am a Goddess. I need to remember that. Maybe my struggles, trials and tribulations will help and inspire other people. I’ll end here with a quote from MGK, “I am weed!” Now it’s time for y’all to become addicted to me. Thanks again for stopping by and reading my erratic thoughts. Till next time, my Loves..
Xo, T 💜