Hello Loves! I’m finally getting to writing to y’all. It’s so hard to stay awake or have much energy to do the things I want to do. At the moment, I’m listening to the audiobook, Beloved by Toni Morrison, and it's keeping me both awake and lulling me to sleep. She’s narrating and her voice is so soothing. Instead of just listening and coloring in my coloring book, which is what I usually do when I’m listening to a book, I pushed myself to write my blog. I didn’t want to miss the month of April, as it is practically over.
Because of my chronic fatigue, which no doctor will diagnose as CFS or Fibromyalgia, I haven't written much like I planned to. Yet, while my body rests, my head is never asleep. I got the good idea to ask my Facebook friends and followers for prompts to help me write new poems and I got at least 10, which I vow to get on this week. I need to stop lying to myself making promises I can't keep, but the intention is there. Always there. Looking into my journal, I see that I asked my awesome friends on the 11th of this month.
- Shooting stars
- I'm better than I think I am
- Trying to mend something because it offers the sense that some things are within our power to fix it when it feels like so much else is not.
- The quiet and stillness of the trees
- Kitty whiskers
- Our idea of beauty changes as we do
- Pocket (internet) friends
- Wholeness
- Breaking the friend zone
- Broken Beauty
While I have the names of the people who helped me, I have yet to ask their permission if I could publish it. I wanted to get some poems done first. I did write two poems in March, which I’ll share with y’all now. I decided not to post my poetry on Facebook or Instagram, as Meta is using our work to help AI learn to write. Also known as stealing! Anyhoo, here they are:
1.
My heart is damaged
I thought I could manage
But it was just a dream
I know I can fall and love hard
Yet people are not what they seem
We wear different masks in our lives
And SURPRISE
There’s more than one of me
I am
The fat girl
Smart girl
Tall girl
Sad girl
Funny girl
Disabled girl
Loca girl
And I take meds to hide my screams
Cuz you see
My heart is damaged
As so are other parts of me
My brain and my body
Fucked up constantly
Tho, I still believe
I still have just a little hope
Maybe one day someone will love me
Yeah, that’d be kind of dope
Until then
If ever
Fiction turns into reality
My heart’s so fucking damaged
At least, I still love me
2. My mother didn’t love me
Although it was said
Sometimes I could feel it
Like when she tucked me into bed
She made sure I said my prayers
And sang into the night
But
She never really loved me
All she knew was anger
Always wanting to fight
I just wanted a mother
Like the ones you see on tv
I don't mean Carol Brady
Maybe Chris’s Mom
Cuz it felt like mine hated me..
The second one is unfinished and I think I need to tinker with it some more. Yet, as you see, I’m doing my best. Writing poems on my phone’s notepad. And I must say, the second poem is kind of cathartic. I love and miss my Mom, but at the same time I finally, finally feel free! She was so negative, we called her Negative Nancy. Nancy is her name too, so it completely fits. Writing this poem helps my confused mourning process. March 24th was the first time I didn’t say Happy Birthday to her.. Face to face. I told her spirit, cuz sometimes I swear this woman is haunting me lol. I know, nothing can stop me, not her otherworldly negativity.
You know, I’m glad she was alive long enough to see one of my poetry books, Daughter of Stars and Nightmares, make number 1 on Amazon! It didn't last too long, but it happened, and she said she was proud of me! I think that was the first time it ever sounded genuine and thankfully I’ll always have that with me. I must remember the good and keep that close to my heart. I don't think I’ll write a lot of poems about her tho. I need to move on and enjoy the lightness of being, living without her.
As you may recall, or not, I’ve been doing a bunch of reading challenges and after I finish Beloved, I’d have completed The52BookClub’s 2025 reading challenge. I’m more than three quarters done with the other ones too, except one because we’re given choices of books monthly. I have my May choice queued up to listen to already. I’m also still reading other books for funsies and right now, according to StoryGraph, where I log my reading, I have read 157 books already. And it's not even six months into the year! When it comes to reading I’m an overachiever. Before you think, “How the hell does she do that?,” I read various lengths of books. Short stories, long stories and super long audiobooks.
One audiobook, which I really enjoyed listening to, was 16 hours long. Took me a few days to finish. I plan on listening to Gone With the Wind, a book that’s over 1000 pages long. It’s 49 hours and 6 minutes! Yup, I said that. That’s over two days, so it’ll probably take me a week to finish. The prompt was to find a book that is 800-900 pages long and I thought to myself, “Fuck that shit, I’m going for the gold!”. That's probably going to be the last book I’ll read when all my other challenges are done. Yeah, I’m a fucking nerd. A nerd who likes MM romances and Peter Pan Porn. Trust me, there is no end to Peter Pan Porn, aka erotic retellings of Peter Pan, written. I think I’ve read two or three so far.
Well, I think that’s it for now. Sitting up writing hurts my back and I’m still groggy from my afternoon Lyrica. I’m glad I chose to write this today. Feels good to keep y’all in the know. Even though you follow me on my Socials and I tell y’all everything anyways. This time I gave you two new poems! So. You’re welcome. Love youse, my darlings, to the moon and back. Infinity and beyond! Until next time,
Xo Tara
P.s I have 7 hours left of Beloved. Might take a break for a little flash fiction smut and coloring..