Why do we set boundaries, who do we set them for and why oh why is it so damn hard?
I´ve always struggled with the concept of boundaries… A LOT. Maybe because I'm a firstborn so I have a natural tendency to want to fulfill other people's expectations. Maybe because I have ADHD and this makes me not only hyper-aware about people's reactions but also highly sensitive to rejection. Maybe because I grew up in a family where everybody confuses setting healthy boundaries with starting confrontation and so they much rather be bothered and tired than telling people what they actually feel. Maybe because I’m a woman and the world told me my job was to please. Or maybe just because I’m a human and therefore perceive my chances of survival as directly linked to my tribe’s acceptance. Regardless of the reason, boundaries are something I’ve never been good at and because of this I’ve fucked up many things in my life.
I want to help things work, you know? Or rather, I want to take it upon myself to make them work. And so I concede. “I’ll do it!” “That’s fine, I’ll write that email” “No problem, I’ll set up the website (don’t know how to but I’ll learn)” “Yes you can text me whenever” “No worries, you can hand in your work three weeks after the deadline” … WHATEVER. I give. I’ve done it as a teacher, as a business partner, as a facilitator. Not so much as a translator because the space between the professional and personal relationship there is so much clearer. Every other time, I gave, but not without keeping track! Not without making an effort. Not without being aware of how many times I was putting myself out. I walked over my own boundaries so that other people didn’t have to. HOWEVER, I never made it sound that way. I didn’t explain to others that I was happy to make the effort but that I was indeed making one. That I was being overly flexible. That I was taking one for the team. I just did it, no questions asked.
I let this happen over and over and over again. And then one day, someone would ask something of me and I’d fly off the handle (in my brain, of course) because people hadn’t been keeping track. People hadn’t been paying attention and then I felt like I was taking abuse left and right. And then I was done. Then I was fed up. Then I had to call it quits and start anew because not only I was absolutely drained, but also I was outraged that people could be so unaware, so inconsiderate.
Was this other people’s fault, or mine?
I used to think of boundaries as something I had to do for others: For others not to step over. For others not to harm me. For others not to abuse me. But with age (and I’m talking decades here) I’ve realised that boundaries are not for others but for myself. I know… Now that I say it seems pretty fucking obvious! Boundaries are for ourselves. For us to be comfortable, for us to be safe. Not from others, but from ourselves. Not because others may want to abuse us, but because for all of the aforementioned reasons, we have a tendency to overstep our own boundaries, to ignore the limits of our time, our patience, our love and our wellbeing. It’s not that we don’t want to make others uncomfortable with our “unreasonable” demands for time or space. It’s that we don’t want to make ourselves uncomfortable stating our limits because we feel we’d be risking other people’s affection or appreciation and so we just concede, always to our own detriment. This is how I’ve walked away from partnerships, jobs and ideas, all because I burned myself out without even noticing and without having ever said a word.
I’ve mended some of these relationships but new scenarios and new people continue to challenge my way of approaching my work. Today, once again, I was forced to notice how my lack of clear boundaries was affecting my relationship with one of my students in the Priestess of Mary Magdalene course. After writing this woman a very, very long text message, I was able to appreciate how the perceived imbalance in the relationship was only due to my lack of clarity on how and through what channels I expected the work to flow. After stating how overwhelmed I was feeling I quickly saw how it was me who was failing to provide a clearly defined space where she could freely share and be supported without me skipping through hoops to provide this support. And guess what? Once I said it, it turned out everything was fine.
People don’t resent our boundaries… most of the time. When they are present, people feel safe. People feel structure. When they aren’t, we jeopardise our work and our health and therefore, we endanger the very space we are trying to hold for others. This is why creating boundaries is fundamental. That’s why creating boundaries is an act of love.
I know I still have a lot to work on but today I thought about how much easier life would be if we could see, understand and honour our own needs. Seems crazy to think that we can’t, but I’m sure many will resonate with what I’m saying, especially those working as therapists, doulas, coaches, etcetera or people who have a hard time with personal relationships. Nothing will ever work in our favour, no relationship will ever be safe or balanced if we first can’t understand our needs, our desires, or our expectations. How can people respectfully meet us in the middle if we don’t even know (or state) where the middle is?
Therefore I promise myself I will take longer to ponder before people ask for something. I will take time to really feel all situations, despite my overwhelming desire to say yes to everything on the spot. I will try my best to be clear from the get go and I won’t be afraid to reconsider if I feel the need to do so. I will remind myself that people won’t like me less for setting boundaries, and that my work, or even I, won’t be worth any less if I do. In fact, it will be worth much more.
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