Written by: Alexis Bernier
In a society where we are programmed and taught to suppress our feelings, belief, thoughts to make others feel comfortable, I'm going to teach you simple ways to unlearn these patterns. If you are anything like me, I love making other people happy, to the point where this idea used to consume me. I would much rather everyone else around me be happy with me, even when I felt like I was in the depths of hell (mental state I feel I have reached) than me be happy and have others upset with me. If you're anything like this, I'd like to hold space for you, you have a beautiful, empathetic soul who loves seeing others happy, that is not the problem. The problem is that some people tend to take advantage of the niceness of others, society has conditioned us to throw away our own values to protect others and make them feel more comfortable. HERE, we shine bright regardless of anyone else.
Number 1, always go inward. LEARN and build a habit of asking yourself, "how does this feel to me", sometimes the answer will be so blinding you can't miss it, other times our limiting beliefs and ego might block our truth. This might seem scary at first, but like any muscle it will slowly build over time and become easier and easier to do. The key to this is to follow through what your heart is saying. For example, your friend is asking you to go bowling on a late night because they want to go on a double date and it will count on you coming or not, but you must wake up early the next morning, and truthfully... you just don’t want to go. This would be the perfect time to go inward, hear yourself and acknowledge you don’t want to go (first step) the whole process really doesn't do anything unless you’re willing to follow through with saying NO (second step).
Number 2, regulate your nervous system, oh my goodness isn't this one a gem. If only I had learned this years ago when I was at my rock bottom. The nervous system is like the body’s communication network. It sends messages between your brain, spinal cord, and the rest of your body so you can think, feel, move, and react. It controls everything from your heartbeat and breathing to how you respond to danger or feel emotions. For this we will be talking about 2 branches of the autonomic nervous system, the parasympathetic (rest & digest) and sympathetic (fight or flight), most humans get stuck in the sympathetic nervous system. Here are some signs that you might be as well;
- emotional
- racing thoughts
- overthinking
- difficulty focusing
- physical
- fast heart rate
- poor sleep/insomnia
- digestive issues
- behavioral
- "GO-GO-GO" mindset
- avoiding stillness, silence or being alone
- overexercising/skipping meals/binging
I've had many levels of education and have never been taught the importance of regulating my nervous system. Physical illnesses are manifested within the mind, continuous states of stress KILL people. Now I'm going to teach you 3 simple (takes less than a minute) things you can incorporate on the daily to start teaching your nervous system you are safe.
1. LOOKING AROUND - when we feel ourselves being anxious (most people will describe it as the heavy feeling in your chest) our body is activated in the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight), looking around shows your mind and therefore body that you’re indeed, safe.
2. BREATHING - breath is another one of the magical things that we are not really taught in school (who's surprised), no I don’t mean just breathing, I mean consciously breathing, breathing in, smelling what's around you, feeling your lungs expand, allowing the air to stay in your lungs (which activates your pineal gland) and then exhaling. CONSCIOUS breathing is a life saver. The best method for quickly calming your nervous system down would be "box breathing" or the 4X4X4. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and exhale for 4 seconds, repeat as necessary. This signals to your brain and therefore your body that you are safe.
3. HUMMING - these vibrations activate the vagus nerve which automatically turns on the parasympathetic nervous system.
Number 3, enjoy your own company. I used to be a person who needed others. Funny thing is we do “need” others, as we are social beings and without connection and or interaction with others, we would literally go insane. What I'm talking about is the need to always be around other people due to the uncomfortable feeling I felt within myself. I was always around others because it was scary to be by myself, my thoughts and actions were genuinely terrifying to me. The need for others usually stems from unresolved emotional wounds. You begin to develop the identities of others around you, (the amount of clients who have told me they don't even know who they are alone is insane), you become co-dependent on others, you avoid the "hard" work and replace inner work with meaningless connections, you have delayed personal growth. When you spend your time with others because of the fact you don't like being alone, you're abandoning yourself in the process. Have some self-love and respect to allow yourself to get to know yourself, spend time with yourself, care for yourself. This has changed my life, so much so that I don’t even have a single friend group, I have a few good friends, but I have never felt more in love with myself and more peaceful in life. Being alone is uncomfortable because it forces ourselves to see who we are without the masks, uncover things that we have shoved down, so of course people hate the thought of it, all I can say is you choose your hard, choose wisely.
I have been on a 19-year journey of self-improvement; this is just the start my friends. I could give my whole life story for you to understand what I mean when I originally said I have been to the depths of hell in my own mind, but I will allow your imagination to carry that through. I used to be someone with severe anxiety, OCD, PTSD, depression and bipolar disorder, I no longer "have" any of these, I have refused medication ever since the first time the doctor told me I needed to be on medication for my anxiety when I was 5, there was always something in me that knew if I took this medication I would be sucked into some sort of black hole. Here I am now, alive, and well. I love my body, my mind, and my life. If you want to change your life, this is definitely a good place to start.
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