Warning: if you are triggered by rawness, this is NOT for you.
How to feel, wow, the fact that I get to write about this topic is so funny to me. In a society that binds us together through connection, authenticity and emotion, most of us are so far away from this.
I understand, feelings can be very painful and scary. I experienced my first heartbreak at 3 years old, when my 2 worlds split, my Mother and Father. Then more when I was bullied by my "best friend" in kingergarden. More when I was abused in every way possible, so on and so forth.
Belive me I understand the feeling of being filled and overflowing with guilt, shame, fear, depression, the way it chokes you up. I innerstand the feeling of NEEDING to escape, like there were no other options than to turn to things like drugs, sex, alcohol, physical harm, that if you kept going you were going to drown.
I now am able to hold space for emotions without allowing them to consume my entirety. Before you think, well maybe her life is easier now and she doesnt have to go through hard things, you would be incorrect; from heartbreak, to betryal, to guilt, shame, worry all of it, the same emotions I had experienced as a child arise, the difference is I now dont run from them, gratitude and being in the present moment also play a huge factor but thats a later topic for a later time.
Thats right, who knew the way to deal with emotions is to feel them, what a funny phenomenon. While this may feel counterproductive it works. A loved one had asked me; "what if I get stuck in them", well feelings are like a child throwing a tantrum. The more you ignore it the worse the tantrum gets, sure you can drown them out, but the whole time the screaming and crying will get worse. This will lead to deeper repercussion later in that childs life, feeling unheard, unsafe and unworthy. If you pay attention to the child, gently remind that child that they will be okay, not trying to drown out or even stop the tantrum, but simply being there and listening, youll come to find that child calms down. This is the exact same with your own emotions, you ignore them for too long it will bottle up and explode, you wont feel happy in life because to feel one thing is to feel everything (read my other blog post - beauty in pain). If you attend to them, sure it may feel uncomfrotable, after a little bit you will calm down.
After months upon months of consciously practicing the art of feeling I have come to a radical conclusion, the more I feel sad the more I can feel happy. Sure I as a sensitive being may experience low lows, but that means I can experience high, highs and everything in between. I also experienced heightened intuition in my body, I can feel when someone and or something doesnt feel good to me.
Now ive explained this, I want to share how I at first started consciously feeling. Keep in mind I went YEARS with numbing myself (without medication, funny how far our body will go to protect us from things). First, a hard feeling would come up, my instinct was to brush it off, hide and cover. Instead, if it was safe to do so I would find a place to sit and close my eyes. Then I would let my brain go crazy for the first few minutes, this would allow the waterworks to come (crying is releasing stuck energy), when I felt I had released enough through tears I would start focusing on my breath, deep, intentional inhales (this doesnt mean youll stop crying by the way, if you need more releasing it will come through during this entire practice). While deeply breathing I will validate my emotions and I will hold compassion to the part fo me its coming from. For example, if someone ignored me and i felt emotion come up I would go through this process and talk to my inner child, the first time I felt unseen, I would hold compassion for her in that time. After I feel ready I will ask what I need, sometimes its a hug, a nap, to punch something, yell into my pillow, to breath more, whatever it is, I do it.
I am grateful for everything I have gone through, because it led me here, in this moment. I would love if you could take a second and appreciate everything youve been through, because it also took you here.
Thank you for spending your precious time reading this :)
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