Tiny Promises To Yourself That Change Everything
If you have left a domestic abuse relationship and you are technically “safe now”, but you still second guess everything, then this is for you.
You might look at your life on paper and think:
- I left
- I am not walking on eggshells any more
- I have a home, maybe work, maybe kids who are safe
So why do I still feel so confused and unsure of myself all the time?
Why can I not just make a decision without overthinking it into the ground?
Why do I feel like I cannot trust my own judgement at all?
If you are nodding along, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone in this as a survivor.
This is one of the most common after effects of abuse, and it makes complete sense once you understand what has been happening in your brain and body.
I want to walk you through:
- why your self trust feels so shaky after abuse
- three self trust “wounds” you might recognise in yourself
- three tiny experiments you can try over the next seven days to start rebuilding trust with yourself again
You do not need big brave declarations. You need small, honest promises that your nervous system can actually cope with.
Why self trust feels broken after domestic abuse
Most women I work with say some version of this:
“I do not trust myself any more.
I always pick the wrong people.
I make bad choices.
I change my mind.
I cannot even decide what to eat or what to watch.”
On top of that, you are surrounded by messages like:
“Back yourself.”
“Trust your gut.”
“Just decide and go for it.”
Lovely in theory, completely unrealistic when you have had years of your reality being twisted and your decisions used against you.
Here is what abuse does to self trust:
1. Gaslighting ruins your relationship with your own perception
If you were constantly told things like:
- “You are overreacting.”
- “You are too sensitive.”
- “That never happened.”
- “You always make everything about you.”
Then your brain learned a painful lesson…it is safer to doubt myself than to challenge them.
You stop asking, “What do I feel” and start asking, “What do they want me to feel”.
2. Walking on eggshells makes every decision feel dangerous
In an abusive relationship, even tiny choices can be weaponised.
What you wore
Who you messaged
How long you took at the shop
Whether you looked “off” when they walked in
Your internal system links “I choose something” with “I might be punished, criticised or abandoned”.
So, when you are safe later on, you still have this imprint sitting in your body. Your mind knows you are free, but your nervous system remembers that decisions used to come with consequences.
3. Survival pushes your own needs to the bottom
When you are surviving, the priority is staying safe, not exploring your preferences.
You learn to:
- scan other people’s moods
- predict reactions
- keep the peace
- keep everyone else calm
Your own opinions and needs get pushed right to the back.
So of course, when life finally quietens down, you are left with this blank feeling of, “I do not even know what I want any more.”
None of this means you are bad at making decisions.
It means you adapted to stay alive in a very unsafe situation.
Now that you are safe, you are trying to use that same survival wiring to build a life that actually feels good. So no wonder it feels messy.
You can not fix this by forcing yourself to make giant, scary decisions overnight.
You repair it by slowly proving to yourself, “It is safe to listen to me now.”
Three self trust wounds you might recognise
Everyone’s experience is unique, but there are three patterns I see again and again in women healing after domestic abuse and also ones I experienced myself.
See if any/or all of these sound familiar…
1. The “Confused Intuition” wound
You get a little nudge inside, a feeling about a situation or a person.
Then you instantly talk yourself out of it.
- “I am probably overreacting.”
- “Maybe I am being dramatic.”
- “I am just looking for problems.”
You heard those lines so many times from someone else that now you repeat them to yourself.
You ignore the nudge, override your own instincts and then later, when it all blows up, you tell yourself off again for not listening.
No wonder your intuition feels like it has gone into hiding.
2. The “If I get this wrong, everything will fall apart” wound
Every decision feels heavy and final.
- What job to take
- Whether to move
- Whether to date again
- Whether to attend a family event
Your brain plays out every possible outcome and every one of them ends in disaster.
So you do one of two things:
- freeze, procrastinate and stay stuck
- make a choice under massive pressure, then panic that it was the wrong one
This often comes from living in a situation where the tiniest thing could set someone off, so your system learned, “One wrong move and I am in danger.”
3. The “I have to keep everyone happy” wound
You feel responsible for how everyone around you feels.
You say yes when:
- you are exhausted
- you disagree
- you are already overloaded
…because the idea of someone being upset with you makes your chest tighten.
You have spent years trying to stop arguments and smooth things over, so your body believes that your job is to keep the peace for everyone.
Your needs never even make it to the table, because you are too busy managing everybody else’s reactions.
If you recognise yourself in any of these, please be very kind with yourself.
You did not wake up one day and decide to be indecisive, anxious or people pleasing.
You learned it in an environment where it felt necessary to survive.
Now you are in a different environment, those old survival skills are still trying to run the show.
The great news is, they can be updated.
Not with one big dramatic “new me”, but with many tiny experiments that show your system a different way.
Why tiny promises work better than big vows
After abuse, big vows look tempting.
“From Monday I am going to change my whole life.
I will never ignore red flags.
I will always trust my gut.
I will never let anyone treat me badly again.”
Then life happens. You feel tired, overwhelmed, unsure, and you cannot live up to this huge promise you made at midnight in full adrenaline.
Cue the shame spiral.
“See, I knew I would mess it up. I cannot even keep one promise to myself.”
Big vows make big crashes.
Your nervous system is already exhausted, it does not need any more rollercoasters.
Tiny promises are different.
When I say tiny, I mean the smallest, kindest commitments you can realistically keep, even on your worst day.
Every time you keep a tiny promise to yourself, you send a new message:
“When I say I will do this small thing for me, I mean it. I am someone I can rely on.”
You are slowly rebuilding trust with yourself.
Your nervous system believes what you do consistently, not what you declare once with a fanfare.
Three tiny self trust experiments for the next 7 days
Please remember you do not have to do all of these.
Choose one. Let it be an experiment, not a test. I would also suggest you have one of your grounding tools to hand, such as your breathing exercises, so you are able to regulate your nervous system before reacting.
1. The Pause Experiment
For the next seven days:
“If something stresses me, I will wait at least ten minutes before replying or deciding, wherever that is safe to do.”
That means:
- you do not fire off a text in panic the second your phone buzzes
- you do not say yes immediately to every request
- you give your body a chance to come out of the spike before you respond
Why this helps:
You are teaching your system that you do not have to react instantly to stay safe any more. You have time, space and choice.
This is a big part of self trust, showing yourself, “I can sit with this feeling for a moment and still be okay.”
2. The Body Check In Experiment
Once a day for seven days:
“I will ask my body how it feels about one choice.”
Pick something small. A plan, a person, a message, a task.
Sit, take a breath and notice:
- Do I feel tighter, heavier, sick, clenched when I think about this
- Or do I feel softer, more open, even just a tiny bit
You are not looking for a loud, mystical answer. Just a slight shift.
Why this helps:
During abuse you had to ignore your body’s signals to get through. This experiment gently opens that channel again and allows you to learn to tune into your body and get to know the sensations.
You are telling yourself, “What I feel matters. My body has information. I am willing to listen.”
You could also keep a diary of this exercise to see if there are any patterns.
3. The One Safe No Experiment
This week:
“I will say no to one thing I do not want to do, where the consequences are low.”
It could be:
- turning down a favour you do not have energy for
- saying you cannot talk right now and will message later
- declining an invite that makes your stomach knot
- closing your laptop when you are done instead of pushing on
Why this helps:
You are showing your nervous system that you can disappoint someone a little and the world does not end. You can survive someone not loving your decision.
For many survivors this is a huge self trust repair. It proves, “I can choose me and still be safe.”
Choosing your experiment
If you are not sure which one to pick, notice this.
- Which one makes you feel a little relieved
- Which one makes you think, “Yes, that would actually help”
Start there.
Write it down somewhere you will see it. On your phone screen, in your journal, on a sticky note.
This is not about doing it perfectly every day. It is about giving yourself something simple to practise for one week.
If you miss a day, you have not failed. You can pick it back up the next day.
That in itself is a self trust move, “I can wobble and still return to myself.”
What might change if you let small be enough
Imagine you actually kept one tiny self trust promise for the next few weeks.
Nothing huge, just roughly, most days.
If you chose the Pause Experiment, you might find:
- you send fewer panicked messages that you later regret
- you feel a tiny bit less at the mercy of your emotions
- you realise you can survive the discomfort of waiting
If you chose the Body Check In, you might notice:
- you start to spot which situations make your body tighten instantly
- you feel more confident saying, “Something does not feel right here”
- you begin to believe that your feelings are valid information, not a problem to squash
If you chose the One Safe No, you might realise:
- people around you cope far better with your boundaries than you feared
- the sky does not fall in when you honour your limits
- you feel a little more in charge of your own time and energy
From the outside, nobody might even notice much at first.
On the inside, something sacred is happening.
You are proving to yourself:
“I am not the woman he told me I was.
I can listen to myself.
I can make choices that are good for me.
I can trust me again, slowly.”
That is self-trust. Not perfection, not never doubting. Just a steady increase in the feeling, “I have my own back now.”
If you want help with this work
If you would like to take this further, this is exactly the kind of work I do with women in the safe but stuck stage after domestic abuse. Please feel free to pop me a message or visit my website as I offer a wide range of options to meet you where you are now.
Either way, your tiny promise for this week is enough.
You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are a woman learning to trust herself again after surviving something huge.
That alone is brave work. 💜