There’s a part of life after domestic abuse that no one really prepares you for.
You’re out.
You’re safe.
The danger has passed.
And yet… you don’t feel how you thought you would.
Instead of relief, there’s often exhaustion. Flatness. Brain fog. Anxiety. A sense that you’ve lost yourself somewhere along the way. People might say things like “at least it’s over now” or “you’re so strong” - and while they mean well, it can make you feel even more alone.
If that’s where you are, I want you to know this first:
You are not broken.
And you’re not doing healing wrong.
Why life can still feel hard after you leave
When you live in survival mode for a long time, your body and brain adapt to keep you alive. They learn to scan for danger. To stay alert. To brace for impact.
So when the abuse ends, your nervous system doesn’t just flick a switch and relax.
Many women experience:
- feeling constantly on edge or hyper-aware
- numbness or shutdown
- anxiety or panic, especially at night
- sleep issues
- brain fog, memory problems, indecision
- a sense of “I should be grateful but I just feel… nothing”
These aren’t personality flaws.
They’re normal trauma responses.
Your system has been working overtime for years. It doesn’t yet know that it’s safe enough to rest.
And that’s where gentle healing begins.
Reigniting your spark doesn’t mean rushing forward
One of the biggest myths around healing is that you need to “move on”, “stay positive”, or reinvent yourself overnight. That approach often backfires, especially for survivors.
Reigniting your spark isn’t about forcing happiness or becoming a new version of yourself before you’re ready. It’s about slowly coming back into your body, your confidence, and your sense of self, at a pace that feels safe.
In last week’s Spark Session, I shared three first steps that can help begin that process.
They’re small on purpose.
Because small steps are sustainable.
Three Gentle First Steps to Reignite Your Spark
1. Come back to your body
Healing after trauma isn’t just mindset work.
The body holds the story too.
Simple grounding practices can help signal to your nervous system that you’re safe right now.
Something as small as:
- placing one hand on your chest and one on your belly
- slowing your breath (longer exhales than inhales)
- feeling your feet on the floor
can begin to calm the threat response.
You don’t need to do this perfectly.
Thirty seconds is enough.
Consistency matters more than intensity.
2. See yourself through kinder eyes
Abuse has a way of distorting how we see ourselves. Over time, criticism and control can turn into an inner voice that’s harsh, doubting, or shaming.
Many survivors carry beliefs like:
- “I’m weak”
- “I should be over this by now”
- “Something must be wrong with me”
But the truth is this:
You survived something that would break a lot of people.
Qualities that helped you get through, resilience, loyalty, adaptability, courage, are strengths, not flaws.
A gentle shift in self-talk can sound like:
- “I adapted to survive.”
- “I did the best I could with what I had.”
- “I’m learning new ways to live now.”
That kindness matters more than you realise.
3. Take one tiny ‘spark action’
Big life changes can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re healing from trauma or living with chronic illness. Instead of asking “What should I do with my life?”, try asking:
“What’s one tiny thing my future self would thank me for?”
That might be:
- sending a message you’ve been putting off
- taking a short walk
- writing one sentence in a notebook
- saying no to something that drains you
- spending ten minutes doing something soothing or creative
One small action can begin to shift how you feel about yourself — and your future.
What your 2.0 life can look like (without pressure)
I often invite women to imagine this, not as a demand, but as a possibility.
What if, over time, you felt calmer in your body?
What if mornings carried a little less dread?
What if you started making choices that felt aligned with you, not who someone else told you to be?
Healing isn’t linear. There will be wobbles. Days where it feels like nothing has changed.
But there is a softer, stronger, brighter life available, when you’re ready.
You don’t need to have the whole path figured out.
You just need a place to start.
You don’t have to do this alone
I created my private community because I know how isolating this stage can be.
It’s a women-only, trauma-informed space for survivors who are safe after domestic abuse but still finding the aftermath hard — especially around things like identity, confidence, and emotional regulation.
We take things gently.
There’s no pressure to share.
And you’re welcome exactly as you are.
If you’re looking for support, understanding, and a reminder that you’re not alone in this, the door is open.
One step at a time is enough.
You’re not behind.
And your spark isn’t gone — it’s just been waiting for safety.
Join the community Rebuild Your Life After DA - Free Support For Women Ready To Reignite Their Spark