Parallel Lives - A Story of Late Adoption Discovery

A STORY OF THE LATE DISCOVERY OF ADOPTION

When I first heard the words "Betty’s adopted son Murray" being said, my life seemed to

be put on hold. That one moment changed my life forever. I had been in denial for forty

years! Well, I guess, I had chosen not to see the bleeding obvious.

“Adopted” is a word that means different things to people depending on whether they are

adopting, relinquishing or being adopted. Whatever, there is inherent trauma for

everyone, whatever their role..

My discovery of the lies and secrecy my adopting parents told to me as a child, motivated

me to record my early life and write this story. Initially as a record for my children; but, later

I sought to expand it further as it became clear that as an adoptee I should share the story.

I hope that it will help others who also struggle with having been adopted. I feel that these

issues also need to be heard generally.

Adoptees suffer from suicide, dysfunction, addiction, health issues to a greater extent than

most of society. They are given no special assistance or greater access to care or

specialised therapy. The perception that adoption was a positive for society needs to be

laid to rest. The belief that adoptees should be grateful that they were adopted needs to

be challenged. Adoption was State-sanctioned theft of identity. This book is my small

contribution to the debate in the hope it may help others to not feel so alone.

I tell my story of the first half of my life from the perspective of not knowing I was adopted,

which certainly was the case. Thus, the impact of adoption in my first 40 years can only be

implied. I think this is the most honest way to convey my story.

These early years are paralleled by the struggles of my older brother, who was also

adopted. His story of rebellion and subsequent removal from the family contrast with my

attempt to be a “good boy” and thus not suffer the same fate. I believe that our two

contrasting paths in life are typical outcomes of adoption.

From my early days in Perth, I transit to work and family life as I struggle to overcome the

feeling that I do not belong and that therefore something is wrong with me. I had no

conscious sense of being adopted, at this time as I was very much in denial.

Aged forty, and the truth drops like a bombshell. A frail aged aunt fails to keep the long

kept secret. I am adopted! As is my brother. Here my orderly, structured life turns a corner

and I have to face the reality of being adopted. The secrecy, lies and breach of trust have

to be accommodated. I have to know who my birth parents really were and what is my

heritage. Learning this hit me hard, bringing up a lot of pain and feelings of betrayal and

abandonment that took years to work through.

After a decade of looking for my birth family, I was lucky enough to achieve reunion with

my birth parents. I can only write about adoption from my own experience. I know other

adoptees will have different views based on their own backgrounds and how they were

raised. Everyone knows their own story best, and I certainly can’t speak for anyone else.

A lifetime later, I am still processing the feelings of abandonment, loss and trauma from

the late discovery of adoption. I live with the pain I feel and my regret for the pain I

inflicted on others after discovery. Secrecy and lies whilst growing up and the wound of

separation at birth are traumatic injuries that have yet to heal.

This is the hardest book I have ever written. I hope it is of interest and of help to others as

well.