Society’s ‘man up’ advice for men’s mental health is as useful as my gardening skills pre-YouTube. Spoiler: It sucked, and that’s not therapy. Here’s 5 ways we gaslight guys—and why I’m calling it out.
Man up
What does that even mean, though?
In the middle of winter, one of my colleagues was complaining about the cold. He works outside mostly and it was freezing. One of the other boys asked about gloves and told him to "take it like a man". We all laughed but I asked them, so what, do "real men" not get cold?
Being told to "man up" is so vague it borders on being a null statement. It's undefinable because the definition of masculinity is going to be vastly different not only across cultures, but even across income-levels and education levels. My definition of masculinity is different to yours. My boss's is different from the guy washing the cars at the back.
Sure, there is a general accepted consensus about what it means to be man. Unfortunately that consensus is about 300 years outdated and is reinforced by people and organisations out to make a profit, not to help young boys achieve healthy masculinity. As far as society's opinion on masculinity goes - society decides from day to day what to hate and who to pick on, based on popularity, not merit. I'll not be taking much advice from "Society".
Men don’t cry
Yeah, sure, let’s all be robots. Who came up with this moronic idea that men don't cry? Men apparently don't get cold in winter, and now they don't have feelings either? I call BS. What makes my emotions more important than a man's? Why am I allowed to cry (Sometimes over complete nonsense, like an overly dramatic peace lily) but men aren't? Why must men's emotions be judged?
By the way - if men don't show emotions, they're judged for that too. Then they're "emotionless" or "stoic".
Make up your mind.
I've had to explain this - and it's actually tragic that I've had to explain this - to some of the best men I know.
Showing emotion is not weakness. Showing emotion is not failure. Crying over the loss of a beloved pet, a terrible diagnosis, the suffering of a close family member or a personal disappointment does not make you weak.
It takes a lot more strength, sweetheart, to express that emotion - especially in this environment - and to deal with it, than to just suppress it and bottle it deep down inside of you.
Bottling up emotions leads to breakdowns, not strength. Because tomorrow something minor happens, and he explodes - and of course, is criticised for it - and causes far more damage than he would have, had he originally been allowed to express his sadness.
Strength is showing an emotion and dealing with it in a healthy manner.
Guys - if you don't know how, we can figure it out. It doesn't make you failure if you don't know how.
Be the provider
Society wants men to carry the world, and never complain or struggle. When men suffer heavily from stress, anxiety or depression, the message is "work harder". If they fail, they're discarded - as if they're disposable. How many men work 18 hours a day to provide for a lady who sits at home doing nails and posting on TikTok, and when he comes home exhausted he's berated for not performing at home like he should, and when he eventually - and inevitably - fails, she cites "irreconcilable differences", has an affair and divorces him.
Hey! They are men, not Superman. They need support, not a hero's cape.
As a girl, I'm sorry - I pay for my own shit. My fiance sometimes gets very stroppy if I pay for our treats on a weekend. But I need him to understand that I'm in love with him, not his wallet. I need him - his strength, his masculinity, his adorable personality, not his wallet. Now to be fair - I will not undermine his masculinity by refusing everything. He also needs to know that he can provide, because he wants to. But that's the difference. He wants to. I don't need him to, and I don't expect it. I don't punish him if he can't pay for an expensive manicure (example only). I don't expect him to lay out caviar and quail eggs if he can only afford peanut butter and chicken. I give him the opportunity to be who he is - and support him when he needs it.
Men have so much to offer - strength, different view points, innovative ideas - but they're so exhausted from having to carry everyone's crap all the time, that their unique and very necessary voices gets muffled by depression, exhaustion and anxiety, until suicide silences them. In the last three years, male suicide rates have risen alarmingly, worldwide.
Be support for them, while they're working to provide, not a drain.
Tough it out
Telling men to ignore mental health is like me telling my garden to grow without water. Spoiler: It dies.
Before you tell a man to tough it out, ask yourself this: if the roles were reversed, and it was me struggling with [insert problem here], would I like to hear that? Or would I like help?
I think, looking at the state of society at the moment, what the issues are people are fighting about and just the general mindset, the answer is pretty obvious.
Boys: therapy, poetry, heavy metal - beats silence any day. You're not an island, you're not a rock. You're a human. You deserve as much care, support, help and compassion as the next person.
If your mental health is taking a nosedive, treat it with the necessary care. When one of my plantbabies has an issue, I don't just toss it aside. I water, prune, repot, spray insecticide, move into or out of the sun - whatever it needs, so it can lift its leaves again. If you need fertilizer, do it. If you need a break in the sun, take it. You deserve it.
You’re fine
None of us are, really. But men, generally speaking, really are not. And how can they be? They're being told the same amount of impossible contradicting things that women are, that women are complaining about - but they're not allowed to complain.
"Don’t be weak." Dude. Vulnerability is badass. It shows strength and character. It shows you are secure in your identity, secure enough to risk showing your vulnerable self. Being vulnerable, having emotions, being tired - that's not weak. That's being alive, being human. The most beautiful men I know, and I am privileged to know several truly good men - all share their vulnerabilities, their emotions, their hopes and dreams and I admire them so much for this.
There are so many good men out in this world, being buried underneath unfair expectations, ridiculous and unfounded criticism, being forcefed useless and dangerous advice and being treated with disrespect.
Boys, I'm on your side. I’m a girl, hyping men to speak up—share your story.
My X bio says DM me (I’m fun). I'm here and I'm on your side.
#MensMentalHealth
#MentalHealthMatters
@ironicnotion
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