I used to work for an extremely difficult dentist, years ago, after school. I adore him. He’s difficult, but he’s also strong and noble and I have the world’s admiration for him. Obviously though while he’s snapping at me, one is less inclined to feel he’s a wonderful person.
There I taught myself a phrase that’s been with me ever since.
Grace, and mercy.
(It actually started out as “I hope you’re shown more grace and mercy than you show me” – petty, I know, but I was very young and very angry – and gradually became shortened.)
This one is for the carers, the people on the other side, on the outside looking in.
Standing Outside Is Hard
Listen. Standing outside sucks. I look at Odin and I can literally see the pain he’s in and there’s so little I can do. There was a time, before Rusty started opening up, where I would be sitting right there next to him, but he may as well have been on another planet. Irish’s anxiety sometimes just shuts the door right in my face.
When you’re standing on the outside, looking at a person you love and you can clearly see is in distress, it’s frustrating. It makes you feel helpless. That makes you feel irritated. Depending on the situation, it’s human to want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them until they let you in, or to snap at them or beg or plead or whatever. But before you go there, stop and check yourself quickly.
Because we don’t think about why we get so violently annoyed, do we? You see the person, and you go from “he’s not okay” to “enraged” in 2.4 seconds. But why do we get angry?
Because we love them, and we don’t want them to be sad or hurting, and it makes us feel helpless and the helpless makes us angry.
Fine. But that’s not their fault and it’s not their responsibility. So before we snap, just breathe and change course. It is hard. You’re right. I hate seeing my boys hurting.
I hate seeing them hurting because I was mean to them more.
Grace for the Goofing
Grace, to me, is affording another human being the space they need to completely be themselves. Unconditionally, utterly and totally. If you want to say “yes but-“ now I suggest you go look up the meaning of “unconditionally” before reading further.
Rusty can sometimes get a bit loud (in terms of volume) when he gets worked up or excited. He’s also very outgoing naturally. The other night he went shopping with Odin and myself and he was hyper, joking with the cashiers and other people in the store, and every now and then he’d sneak a peek at me.
Checking.
Am I being too much? Are you going to tell me to shut up? Is it okay? Am I too loud, too jokey, too unhinged? Are you cringing? Are you disappointed?
Sometimes when Odin’s being very autistic he’ll apologise and say he’s “autisting”. Irish often asks me “too much?”.
My answer, every time?
No. It’s okay. Be yourself. Go for it.
Because their peace and their joy and them being joyful and relaxed is far more important to me, than if other people is looking at us funny. Besides, they’re wildly entertaining and life is better when you’re laughing.
So I laugh with them, I enjoy their humanity. Because they’re taking the risk of opening up and expressing their humanity and that, that is so beautiful, so precious.
I am so privileged and honoured to be there, in that position, to witness that.
So yes, maybe he’s being a bit louder than I would’ve been. But grace means giving him the space to express himself freely.
Sometimes people will say and do things that’s annoying because it’s not the way you would do it. But you’re not them. They don’t have to do it the way you are, and you don’t have to do it the way they are. There is space for all the points of view and all the different ways of doing and expressing.
Mercy For The Moods
And when they’re cranky, or moody, or shutting down and making you angry?
Mercy. Mercy doesn’t shout. Mercy doesn’t say “you have to do it now” or “you’re wrong”. Mercy doesn’t get impatient or short.
Mercy sees beyond the temporary inconvenience or hurt from a snapped response, to the hurt behind it.
(Disclaimer: I am not excusing deliberate malicious intent. Gaslighting, manipulation, narcisstic abuse framed in the context of “I’m having a bad day” is still exactly that, abuse, and you should never tolerate it. I am talking about depression and anxiety momentarily getting the better of a good person and causing them to behave out of character.)
When I found Rusty I didn’t shout at him. I didn’t tell him he was selfish or seeking attention. I had mercy – I put my arm around him and sat with him for a while, before gently coaxing him to the car. At the apartment, Odin made him sweet coffee while I cleaned the wounds. Not once did either of us tell him he did wrong, or he was a failure.
He already felt that. Saying it would just hurt him more.
And so what if he made a mistake? We’re all humans. Show me one person without a single mistake. Show me one person that’s never had a moment of black despair. We’ve all felt this, in varying degrees. We can all use a little more mercy.
Mercy goes further
Have mercy with your loved ones, your colleagues, your friends, random strangers you meet on your day. But also, have mercy with yourself.
When the day is too long and the sun is too loud and everything is wrong, have mercy with yourself. Make a cup of tea, take a few good, deep breaths. Look at something beautiful. Remember that you’re here, too. Feel your heart beating – that’s called purpose. Do a shimmy or a wiggle and laugh, before you carry on.
Taking care of someone who is depressed, anxious, autistic – it’s hard. It’s a lot. There will be days that you have to finish crying in your car before going into the house. There’ll be days where you miss them so much, even though they’re right there, physically, in front of you.
But there will be days when they’re right there. When that pair of striking green eyes will look at you, sparkling with life and excitement. When a pair of warm arms will wrap around you and hold you tight. When a don’t-touch-me-autistic will take your hand and squeeze your fingers. And you can be there, with them, the people you love, feeling their love and their humanity, with you.
And while I often say you don’t do something for a reward, I don’t count that as a reward. That, to me, is the whole reason we’re here, on this speck of dust, floating thought space.
We’re all we’ve got.
We should take care of each other.
So I hope you have grace and mercy, for yourself, and for those around you.
#OneMoreDay
@ironicnotion
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