International Men’s Day Feature
I’m surrounded by men (I work in the motor industry, service department) and I’ve spent years watching men I care about push through difficult times, in silence. They hold the tension in their shoulders, they swallow words they want to speak, and carry on because they believe there is no other option. They do it because that’s what they were taught to do, because they’re scared of being dismissed or ridiculed, or because they don’t want to be a burden.
Globally, men are navigating mental health challenges quietly, often invisibly. It is rarely a dramatic collapse. More often, it is a slow, internal erosion that no one notices until something eventually snaps. International Men’s Day, observed on November 19th, offers a moment each year to pause and ask the question: What does it actually feel like to be a man living with mental health struggles?
Not in theory. Not in statistics alone. But in the words of men themselves.
Rates vary by country, but research consistently shows that men are less likely to seek psychological support than women, and in many places, they remain disproportionately represented in suicide deaths. Not because men are weaker, less emotional, or less human. They exist because many men have been taught that pain should be swallowed, not shared. That struggle should be endured, not witnessed. That to hurt is to fail some invisible test of masculinity.
So instead of telling men what they should feel about mental health, I decided to ask them.
I reached out to different men from different walks of life—men in their 30s, 40s, 50s. Men with different histories, relationships, beliefs. And I asked a simple question, though not an easy one:
What do you want people to know about men’s mental health?
What came back was not loud, sensational, or desperate. It was thoughtful, layered, and honest. The kind of honesty men are often denied the space to express.
These are their words, exactly as they shared them with me.
What men told me about their mental health
“Depression is a silent killer due to its hidden nature and the consequences it leaves if it is left untreated. Never go through it alone and remember that with enough willpower we can rise above this, and that dark cloud that follows you wherever you may go will eventually cease to exist… all wounds external, internal [emotional] wounds all heal in due time… pain is temporary… but a better state of mind is victory at its finest.”
— Scruffy, 35
“A kind gesture or word can make the world of difference for somebody that is going through the darkness of this world. Do not forget who you are. It is sometimes easy to lose sight of what's right in front of you when the world seems to weigh down on you. MMH is not a laughing matter. We are all human and we all have our battles. Treat each other with dignity and respect. MMH does not simply mean you are depressed. Depression is only a part of a much wider spectrum.”
— Irish, 39
“Men should have and feel comfortable to freely express themselves, both in relationships, and in private. An open platform provides security and comfort for the person and can be a solid basis for growth and improvement.”
— Odin, 56
"No-one deserves to stay broken. A broken person never gets the chance to enjoy life to the fullest, that's why it's always good to help someone who is struggling so that he also can experience the wonders of joy and the beauty around him."
— West, 35
“There's a lot of people that don't understand this. People need to understand there's a difference between ‘my boyfriend/girlfriend left me and I got depressed and hanged myself’ […] or whatever the case may be, between that and clinical (major) depression. […] I've been dealing with this now for a year, and people only now know. That friend that maybe looks down, and says he's okay... might be a problem.”
— Rusty, 44
Why these voices matter
We live in a world where men are expected to be the strong one, the reliable one, the unshakeable one, the one who absorbs stress like concrete absorbs rain. Boys grow into men with messages they never chose, and never should have heard:
- Don’t cry.
- Be tough.
- Sort it out yourself.
- No one wants to hear your problems.
- Handle it.
Even if these words aren’t necessarily said out loud, the expectation is there, coming from society, parents, friends, coworkers, partners. And they shape everything: how men communicate, cope, seek help, and ask for support.
Researchers studying masculine socialization have noted a pattern sometimes called emotional self-sufficiency pressure - the belief that a “real man” should solve everything internally, without help. When this belief is strong, men are less likely to talk about what hurts and more likely to downplay or minimize emotional distress.
This doesn’t make men emotionally detached. It makes them emotionally cornered.
When men do speak, they are often met with:
- jokes,
- uncomfortable silence,
- advice instead of empathy,
- or disbelief that something could be wrong when “you seem fine.”
So they learn to hold it in.
And yet, as these quotes show, men think deeply about their mental health. They are aware of what pain can do. They understand the stakes. Many of them want to talk, not to complain, but to connect.
Men carry stories of abandonment, work pressure, financial stress, trauma, relationship strain, loneliness, and identity loss. They carry the weight of being protectors and providers even when they themselves are breaking. They carry the fear of being abandoned if they can’t provide or protect. They carry exhaustion from always being “the one who handles it.”
Many carry it until something inside them shatters.
That is why these voices matter. Not because they are rare, but because they are usually hidden.
The difference between struggle and pathology
One quote above speaks to a crucial distinction: the difference between situational sadness and clinical depression.
Many men fear that acknowledging depression makes them appear weak or attention-seeking. But clinical depression is not a mood swing. It is not a bad weekend. It is not a breakup alone. It is a medical condition affecting sleep, appetite, concentration, motivation, and physical energy. It impairs decision-making. It distorts self-perception. It convinces a person that the world would be better without them.
Naming the condition does not make a man fragile. It makes him informed.
What helps men open up?
Research and lived experience suggest a few things help:
✔ Non-judgmental spaces
Conversations where men do not fear interruption, ridicule, or dismissal.
✔ Language that respects strength
Not “You’re weak if you talk,” but “It takes strength to say what hurts.”
✔ Peer connection
Men often open up more easily with other men who have lived through similar things.
✔ Support that doesn’t immediately fix
Sometimes what a man needs is not a solution, but a witness.
✔ Seeing other men go first
When one man speaks, another learns that he is not alone.
To the men reading this
You deserve room for your pain. Your story doesn’t have to fit a stereotype. You are allowed to speak before you break. You are allowed to seek support without justifying why you need it.
Being a man does not mean being bulletproof.
If you are the strong one for everyone else, this is your reminder:
You are not a machine. You are a human being.
And you are not alone.
📞 Support & Resources
South Africa
- SADAG (24/7): 0800 567 567
- Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567 or SMS 31393
- Lifeline SA: 0861 322 322
International
- International Suicide Hotline Directory: findahelpline.com
- IFRC Psychosocial Support: ifrc.org
- Movember Men’s Health Resources: movember.com
If you are struggling, please reach out—one conversation can change a life, and it might be yours.
Closing
To the men who shared their words: thank you for trusting them to exist outside your chest.
To the men who read this and felt something shift inside them: your feelings are valid, and your story matters.
To everyone who loves a man – a friend, partner, brother, father or son - make space for him. Don’t wait until he breaks, long before that.
This International Men’s Day, let’s not only talk about men’s mental health.
Let’s talk with the men who are living it.
#OneMoreDay
@ironicnotion
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