In response to a reporter asking where he placed his bitterness and the “human appetite” for satisfaction, if not revenge, after most of his adult life was taken away from him, Nelson Mandela replied: It’s not easy, if you are busy with constructive work, to think about issues which make you bitter.
Bitterness comes very easily when one is idle and has nothing to do. If you are busy with something positive, constructive and rewarding, you are likely to forget experiences which have been counterproductive.
As a South African, I have the greatest respect for this man. And not just because of what he endured, but because of what he chose not to become in response to that suffering. That is the part people overlook. Anyone can be hardened by pain. Anyone can become cynical, resentful, and closed off. But to endure what he did and still choose restraint, still choose responsibility over revenge, still choose rebuilding over destruction, that requires something far rarer than strength. It requires discipline of character.
The World We’re Living In
His words are true, today more than ever.
We are bombarded online by messages telling us to “choose the bear”, “men are poison”, “men are trash”, “kill all men”. We are saturated with messaging telling us to look a certain way, act a certain way, behave a certain way, earn a certain figure, wear certain fashions. There is always a new standard, always a new expectation, always something else we are failing to be.
Young western children don’t aspire to be scientists or engineers, they aspire to be “influencers” or OnlyFans models. Not because they are shallow or lazy, but because that is what is constantly placed in front of them as success. Visibility has replaced substance. Attention has replaced achievement.
Every ex is “narcissistic”. Every disagreement is “toxic”. Every uncomfortable emotion becomes a diagnosis rather than something to understand and work through. We have taken useful psychological language and diluted it into catchphrases, stripping it of meaning while pretending to deepen our awareness.
We try to one-up each other on how bad our traumas are, as if suffering is a competition that can be won. As if the person in the most pain somehow holds the highest ground.
Despite all the awareness campaigns, our awareness is lower than ever.
Bitterness and Emptiness
And threaded throughout all of this, is this: bitterness and emptiness.
Our lives are empty. Not because we are incapable of meaning, but because we have replaced meaningful effort with passive consumption. So we search for something, anything, to fill that gaping, screaming void inside of us. But we search for it in places that were never designed to nourish us.
We search for it on Instagram. On TikTok. On YouTube.
We grab onto the validations of strangers, which by the way, is completely worthless, because they’re just as empty as you, from anywhere and for anything. We try to show that we’re the best, the smartest, the prettiest, the sexiest. We curate, we filter, we perform.
But we never learn. We never grow. We never actually improve, because real growth is slow, uncomfortable, and often invisible. It cannot be captured in a daily post or condensed into a “21-day transformation” from an app. It requires repetition, failure, adjustment, and patience.
And that doesn’t sell.
What sells is the illusion of rapid change. The idea that you can bypass effort, bypass discomfort, and still arrive at some perfected version of yourself. But the truth is simple: you cannot build a meaningful life on shortcuts.
We scream and shout because we genuinely believe that our cause is the only worthy cause. And in that belief, we stop listening. We stop engaging. We stop seeing the person in front of us as human.
Modern feminism, for example, is a contradiction of itself in many online spaces. A movement that once fought for equal opportunity and dignity is often reduced, in its loudest corners, to rigid standards and performative empowerment. Strength is preached, but dependency is quietly demanded. Independence is celebrated, but only within very specific conditions.
That is not progress. That is confusion.
We lost the ability to debate. Instead we rage-bait and argue in circles, each one only desperate to get their point across, no matter how redundant, incorrect, or irrelevant said point may be, with no understanding and no compassion.
And we tell ourselves we are liberated, we are free. We’re not.
We’re slaves to consumer culture. To materialism. To whatever new fad is trending on social media this week. Our desires are not even our own anymore. They are shaped, influenced, and constantly redirected by algorithms designed to keep us engaged, not fulfilled.
We're Fooling No-One But Ourselves
Tell me we are not bitter.
When I get accused of being a pick-me, I don’t hear an insult. I hear bitterness and emptiness and desperation. When women insult men online, I don’t see factual, logical reasoning. I see bitterness and resentment. When men retreat into silence, I don’t see the stoicism society rewards. I see bitterness and heartache.
Instead of facing that screaming abyss inside ourselves, we try to drown it out by consuming, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Is it working?
No.
Because while your perfectly curated life online looks glamorous, your heart is empty and you’re heavily medicated for anxiety, ADHD, depression or an eating disorder. You chase trends not because you’re innovative, but because you’re empty and the emptiness terrifies you.
Stop.
We have lost meaning.
We have lost connection.
But that does not mean it is gone. It means we have neglected it. And anything neglected long enough will feel distant, unfamiliar, even unreachable. But it is still there, waiting to be picked up again.
Where Meaning Is Found
Meaning isn’t found in likes online, or subscribers, or paid promotions. Meaning is found in contribution. In the quiet, unremarkable moments where you choose to act with integrity even when no one is watching.
Meaning is found where people connect, genuinely, for the good of not only themselves, but others. Meaning is found where selflessness trumps over ego, and honour and integrity is carried in every action.
Action.
Not words. Not pretty prose on the internet, or posturing in front of your friends at the coffee shop.
But there where no one sees you, to praise you. There where only you know.
And you do know. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be so scared.
Nelson Mandela didn’t just speak poetic words. He carried those principles into action. Day after day, decision after decision, often at great personal cost. That is what made his words credible. Not the eloquence, but the consistency.
Positive and constructive doesn’t have to be monumental. It can be as simple as a thank you to a colleague. As simple as opening a door for someone. Making your elderly mother a cup of tea. Checking in on that friend that’s been quiet for a week.
These are not small things. They are the foundation of a functioning society.
Not all of us are called to be actors on the public stage - despite the fact that numerous people incorrectly believe that’s where they belong - and that’s alright. You may not be born to be an influencer. That doesn’t reduce your worth, because your worth is not tied to how many followers you have online. Your worth is inherent, because you are human.
One of my favourite, most beloved quotes, is from Emily Dickinson:
If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
It’s such a peaceful quote.
There’s a man I follow on Threads, who I adore. I don’t know his name or even where he’s from, but his comments are always grounded and reality-based. He has often remarked to me that I am too hopeful and that things will never change.
And my response is usually to smile softly to myself before replying that I don’t expect global change tonight.
All I want is that one man feels seen. One heart doesn’t break. Just one person smiles, today, because of my kindness and my compassion. That’s enough.
Idealistic? Maybe.
Monetised? Not at all.
Do I care?
How little I care about fame and fortune would need to be measured on a quantum scale.
Because my identity doesn’t hinge on strangers’ opinions of me, and my life isn’t for sale to the highest bidder.
My worth doesn’t come from trends, influence, or cryptocurrency, but from my identity, my values, and my beliefs. Because I am alive, and I am here, and I choose to do good.
When your life is full of actions aimed at improving yourself - not perfecting, as Salvador Dalí said, there’s no need to fear perfection, you’ll never achieve it - but simply growing into yourself, and improving the lives of those directly around you, you cannot be bitter.
But we are idle.
Do Something
We have too much free time on our hands, time that could be spent cleaning up the local park, visiting the old age home, volunteering at the local SPCA, organising a fundraiser for a hospital, or simply weeding the garden.
When was the last time you went outside and simply looked? The blue sky. The sunlight on your skin. The way the leaves on the trees ripple as the wind moves through them.
When was the last time you did something for someone else, without expecting anything in return?
A well-established and carefully-overlooked treatment for depression is a healthy diet, regular exercise, proper sleep, and fresh air. But these are simple, unglamorous, and difficult to monetise, so they are often ignored in favour of more marketable solutions.
We aren’t busy. We have the appearance of being terribly busy, while in fact being completely idle.
So get up. Go outside.
Go walk around the block and count all the beautiful things you see. Pet the neighbour’s dog (if he’s friendly) or smile at a passerby.
Go find something meaningful and constructive to do, just for today.
And, like my mom used to say, if you can’t find something to do, I’ll give you something to do.
We Are a Crew
We don’t have another world to live in. The internet doesn’t count.
We have this world. And it is up to each and every single one of us to make this place liveable.
Not just men, and not just women.
All of us.
As Desmond Tutu said: My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.
-Nova
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