The holidays are sold as a season of connection, warmth, and joy. Family meals. Laughter. Togetherness. Gratitude.
Sold, being the operative word here. It’s paraded on billboards, across large screens, every window you pass. It’s on every radio, television, all over the social media, playing in all the stores. We buy into it, we lock into this festive-season mindset when December begins. All that’s on everyone’s lips is the holidays, going away, having fun with the family, and of course, all the good eating.
What we talk about far less is how many men experience this time of year as lonely, pressurised, and emotionally exhausting.
While we’re eating ice cream on the beach, having a pool party, having friends over or going camping – or, if you’re in the Northern Hemisphere, enjoying the snow, building snowmen, heading somewhere warm for the winter, enjoying the Christmas lights…there are men staring down the idea of a completely silent, lonely Christmas.
There are men surrounded by family, all talking and laughing, sitting with the realization that their family has no idea what they’re going through. There are men lying awake at night, buzzing with anxiety and stress, convinced they’re failures because they can’t provide as much as they want to, as much as the images sold to us expect – and unable to say so out loud.
Men’s mental health over the holidays is largely overlooked. Not because men are unaffected, but because their struggle doesn’t look the way we think it should, and – selfishly, it’s a downer. We want to be merry and jolly, not confronted with distress.
The Invisible Loneliness of Single Men
For single men, the holiday season can be brutally isolating.
Research consistently shows, that men report fewer close friendships than women and are less likely to seek emotional support outside of romantic relationships. And when a man is single, divorced, widowed, or estranged from family, the social safety net is often even thinner, or nonexistent.
Holidays magnify that absence.
The social calendars revolve around couples, families and friends. The workplaces shut down (Rusty’s factory closed for the holidays on Friday) so the steady daily routine drops. Everywhere we look, we’re blasted with images of belonging – happy, smiling families on billboards and shop windows – that reinforce the idea that everyone has somewhere to be, and people to be with.
Loneliness in men is often mistakenly viewed as independence or emotional self-sufficiency. But in reality, chronic loneliness is strongly associated with depression, anxiety, substance use, cardiovascular disease, and increased mortality risk. Men are already more likely to die by suicide than women in most countries. Periods of intensified isolation matter.
Yet single men are rarely asked how they are coping at this time of year. Their silence is mistaken for resilience. We just assume he’s “fine”, because he keeps functioning.
The Quiet Pressure on Men With Families
Men who do have families are not exempt from struggle, their struggle simply looks different.
Most men feel a strong sense of responsibility to provide financially, keep the peace, and absorb stress without complaint. The holidays add pressure through increased expenses, family obligations, unresolved relational tensions, and heightened expectations around happiness.
Research on gender roles and mental health shows that men are more likely to experience stress related to role performance and perceived failure to meet provider or protector expectations. They have to make sure that the lights are up, the fridge is stocked, the gifts are under the tree. Even if there is no-one actually saying “You have to buy a lot of gifts”, the pressure from society is still there, the expectation and fear of disappointing his loved ones. He wants to make his family happy! This pressure is strongly linked to depressive symptoms and emotional withdrawal, especially during periods of increased financial and social strain.
Men are also less likely to express emotional distress openly. When they do struggle, it may come out as irritability, withdrawal, or emotional numbness rather than sadness. These signs are frequently misread as disinterest or moodiness, not distress. This misreading causes fights, misunderstandings and more conflicts – instead of support, he feels even more like a failure, and the cycle continues.
So men keep going. They show up and smile for the photos, the family gatherings, the Christmas parties. They get through it, clenching their jaws and ignoring the tightness in their chests. They quietly pay the emotional cost.
Why This Struggle Is So Easy to Miss
There are several reasons men’s holiday distress flies under the radar.
First, cultural narratives. Holidays are framed as a joyful time. Admitting difficulty can feel like breaking an unspoken rule. They don’t want to be a “downer”.
Second, socialisation. Many men are taught from an early age to minimise emotional pain, to solve problems rather than talk about them, and to avoid burdening others.
Third, perception. When men struggle, it often doesn’t look like vulnerability. It looks like disengagement, silence, or anger.
Because this doesn’t match how we expect distress to look, it is less likely to be met with empathy.
Finally, men are less likely to be checked on. Research shows that men receive fewer emotional support bids from friends and family, and are less likely to be asked direct questions about their mental health.
The result is a large group of men carrying distress in silence during one of the most emotionally loaded times of the year.
Why Acknowledging This Matters
Ignoring men’s mental health over the holidays doesn’t make the problem go away. It pushes it underground, where it can grow horns and teeth.
Population level data shows increases in depressive symptoms, substance use, and crisis presentations during and immediately after the holiday period. For men who already feel disconnected from family and loved ones or under pressure to provide material things, the contrast between expectation and reality can intensify feelings of failure, shame, and hopelessness.
Fathers don’t want to disappoint their children when it comes to opening gifts, not being able to go on holiday, or not having as much fun as the neighbour kids. Husbands don’t want to disappoint their partners by not being able to provide as much as is expected or as much as they want – it’s not just other people’s expectations they’re trying to live up to, but their own as well.
Family members can be very judgemental, sometimes with intent, sometimes just careless. “Oh, your tree is the same as last year’s?” “I thought you were going away for the holidays?” “So-and-so’s Christmas lights are up already, why aren’t yours?” The words may sound harmless but the message is clear: You failed, you’re not good enough.
This is not about competing for attention or diminishing others’ struggles – poverty-stricken families, single mothers, abandoned elderly in old age homes. Oddly, when the darker side of the holidays are mentioned, it is usually about poverty, single mothers, orphans, elderly with no relatives or children visiting. And yes, all of that is real, devastating and deserving of care and attention.
This, is about recognising that men experience pain too, and that their silence does not mean they’re fine.
Men too, do better when they feel seen, when they are allowed to be human, and when support is offered without judgment.
What We Can Do Differently
Supporting men over the holidays doesn’t require grand interventions.
It starts with simply…noticing.
Check in on the men who live alone. We all know at least one. The ones who don’t make a fuss. The ones who always say they are fine. The ones just carrying on.
Ask questions that allow honesty. Not “Are you okay?” but “How has this time of year been for you?”
And very important - make space for men to talk, without trying to fix or minimise their experience. You don’t have to fix it. You just need to be present, listening.
See withdrawal, irritation and fatigue for what they are – signals, not character flaws. Practice empathy and understanding.
And for men reading this, know that struggling during the holidays does not mean you’re broken, weak, or failing.
It means you are human, in a season that places heavy emotional demands on people who have been taught to carry everything alone.
A Wider Lens
To truly care about and make a positive impact on men’s mental health, we have to widen the lens to include all men: men whose pain is quiet, whose pain is functional, men who are easily overlooked, men who are vulnerable, men whose pain is uncomfortable for others to see.
The holidays don’t look the same for everyone. For many men, they’re not a break. They are a test of endurance. And yes, it’s uncomfortable to think about a man crying alone in a dark, cold room. Yes, it’s a downer to think of a man withdrawing from the family meal because his anxiety is so bad he can’t hide the shaking hands and bouncing knee anymore. It’s not fun to think of a father hiding in the garage for a few minutes because the weight of family expectations and fear of disappointing his children makes him feel sick.
But they are real. They’re far more real than the toothy grins on the billboards and the romanticized Christmas movies.
Seeing that clearly is the first step toward doing better.
We can make this a softer, gentler Christmas than last year, by simply reaching out and saying “hey, I appreciate you.”
To all the fathers, brothers, uncles, friends.
To all the single men, divorced dads, estranged sons.
To each and every man facing this season with a sense of dread and anxiety:
You matter.
You are seen.
You are not alone.
-Nova
References and Research Context
- World Health Organization. Suicide worldwide in the 21st century. WHO.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Suicide data and risk factors. CDC.
- Office for National Statistics. Suicide registrations and seasonal trends. UK.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., Stephenson, D. Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality. Perspectives on Psychological Science.
- Courtenay, W. H. Constructions of masculinity and their influence on men’s well being. Social Science and Medicine.
- Addis, M. E., Mahalik, J. R. Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist.
- American Psychological Association. Guidelines for psychological practice with boys and men.
- Ribeiro, J. D., et al. An examination of the relationship between loneliness and suicidal ideation. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior.
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Seasonal patterns in mental health and substance use. SAMHSA.
Comments ()