There is a very real and rather ugly pattern that doesn’t get discussed very often, usually because the conversation immediately goes the other way. Men are repeatedly told to “toughen up”, “be a man”, “grow up”. Some women, however, will happily and rather proudly play helpless whenever responsibility shows up.
Recently, I dealt with a woman who absolutely demanded preferential treatment from a global OEM in the motor industry “because I’m a woman”. Or we can talk about a woman who chose to let her daughter’s rapist return because “they needed to set up the TV”. At least once a day, a woman, in a plaintive voice, will demand something “because I’m a woman alone”. The ones who expect men to show up and do for them, while they sit back and refuse to learn anything — but at the same time shout how strong, independent, and/or oppressed they are.
Let’s be clear: this is not femininity; this is weaponised incompetence. It’s a strategised performance of helplessness to gain access to resources, labour, protection, and sympathy. Weaponised incompetence is not the inability to do something (everyone lacks skills at some stage). It is refusal to learn, paired with the expectation that someone else will step in. It is deliberate outsourcing of responsibility while trying to retain moral superiority.
It is power disguised as weakness.
What Weaponised Incompetence Looks Like
It’s hidden behind socially acceptable language, so if you call it out, you’re immediately a misogynist or a “pick-me”. But once you see it for what it is, you see how much of it there is.
Examples:
- “I am a woman alone” when the task is mildly inconvenient, uncomfortable, or unfamiliar.
- Expecting male relatives or partners to handle every mechanical, financial, or conflict-related problem.
- Boasting about independence while expecting men to provide indiscriminately (bills, rent, lifestyle, cosmetics).
- Shaming men for not stepping up while refusing to do basic human tasks like cooking or cleaning.
- Using gender as currency, excuse, or leverage instead of competence or accountability, like slamming someone for criticising them under the guise of “I’m just a girl”.
The hypocrisy is quite obvious, and corrosive. And it’s really not empowering; in fact, it’s rather infantilising.
A grown adult presenting themselves as incapable in order to avoid responsibility is not strength. It is, however, manipulation, and rather sly — and it’s shocking how it’s been normalised because it benefits those who use it, despite the severe inconvenience to those who actually do the work.
There Is a Difference Between Vulnerability and Incompetence
Of course, this conversation is usually derailed by a deliberate (and rather loud) misunderstanding. Listen. Asking for help when you genuinely don’t know isn’t weaponised incompetence. Needing support isn’t weakness. Being overwhelmed, afraid, or uncertain is human.
Weaponised incompetence is “I don’t know how to do this, you have to do it” instead of “I have no clue, show me how it works.” It is the difference between being vulnerable temporarily and permanent dependency.
Competence grows through discomfort. Have you ever tried learning something new? You suck at the beginning. It requires failure, effort, and accountability. And that’s fine, because by the third time, you’ve got it. Weaponised incompetence, however, avoids all of this by framing responsibility as oppression and capability as optional.
And Culture Rewards It
Girls have been taught to believe that their fragility gets them what they want, and that being soft and “incompetent” invites protection (it also invites a lot of other problems). Boys are pushed towards autonomy and problem-solving, while girls have their male relatives make their service bookings until they’re well into their twenties.
This isn’t accidental. It’s cultural conditioning.
If a girl cries, everyone rushes to comfort her. When boys cry, they’re criticised and told to stop. If a girl is struggling, the task is taken out of her hands and done for her. If a boy struggles, he’s told it’s a test of character or to “figure it out”. These patterns become identity.
And that identity becomes grown women who have never been required to develop practical resilience. Some were never taught, some were discouraged from trying, some learned that helplessness works better than effort, and lately, many have learned from previous generations’ mistakes and are now making bigger and better ones.
These are often the same individuals snapping at men to be stronger, better, more capable, and to provide more.
The contradiction is staggering.
Competence Has Nothing To Do With Gender
I grew up differently. I was raised to be self-sufficient. I can’t change a tyre, but I know where to find the roadside assist phone number. I can handle a drill, wiring, plumbing, and routine vehicle maintenance, because I was taught that being an adult requires being able to do things for yourself.
That lesson is the most valuable thing my mother ever gave me.
Being self-sufficient doesn’t mean you do everything alone. It means you take responsibility, know your limits, and manage them without outsourcing your entire life to someone else. It means you don’t expect the world to carry you simply because you had the privilege of being born.
A lot of women were never taught this. A lot of women were taught that because they’re women, the world apparently owes them a debt of gratitude. A lot of women choose, wilfully, not to learn, but to criticise, demand, and hide behind labels like “mansplaining” — because the world lets them.
This Is a Serious Social Issue
Whenever a woman plays helpless, the burden of responsibility becomes someone else’s. Usually, that someone is a man — a father, partner, brother, colleague, or even a stranger.
Men who are already dealing with enormous pressure that society has piled on them simply because they were born male. They are expected to provide, protect, perform, and stay emotionally silent, while being criticised for not doing enough. They’re told how “privileged” they are while being treated as expendable labour.
Now they have to fix the car, sort out the finances, manage the family crisis, defuse the conflict, absorb the emotional fallout, fix the TV, maintain the garden, and take out the trash.
Dare to hesitate? Cue social media posts about how men are all “useless”.
Trust is destroyed. Relationships are poisoned. Men feel used. Women remain dependent and resentful that the world doesn’t give them their way. And no one wins.
The Moral Cost of Incompetence
Some examples are merely stupid. Others are morally catastrophic.
When a woman allows an abusive individual back into a home for something as trivial as TV, because she refuses to develop basic competency, the consequences go far beyond comfort. It’s not helplessness; it’s a values failure. It is trauma relived and continued. It enables abuse, neglect, and ongoing harm by putting convenience above accountability.
Adults don’t get to abdicate moral duty because learning is uncomfortable.
Feminism Cannot Survive This Contradiction
Equality cannot coexist with selective incompetence.
You cannot demand equal authority while refusing responsibility. Authority comes with responsibility — it’s a package deal. You can’t expect to be taken seriously while claiming incompetence. And you cannot claim gender roles are oppressive while exploiting them for personal gain.
This behaviour undermines the very principles it claims to defend.
It literally validates the worst stereotypes about women as fragile, dependent, and entitled.
Real equality requires competence.
Raising Strong Women Instead of Fragile Ones
There is a solution — but it’s not shaming men. Men have already been shamed into oblivion.
No, the solution requires accountability from women.
To raise strong women.
Strong women are not aggressive or dismissive of help. They are capable, and they understand that independence is built, not just declared.
Strong women:
- Manage their own lives.
- Take accountability for their choices.
- Learn practical skills instead of avoiding them.
- Ask for help without outsourcing responsibility.
- Don’t expect men to be life support systems.
Being strong isn’t a male-only trait. It’s a human trait. And even if you weren’t taught this as a girl, it’s not too late. You can start learning today.
The Emotional Cost to Women
Weaponised incompetence harms women. Hear me loud and clear.
Dependency breeds anxiety. Helplessness creates fear. When you can’t rely on your own ability to cope, the world becomes terrifying. Every obstacle is a threat. Every mild inconvenience becomes a crisis. And you become dependent on men who do not have your best interests at heart.
Competence is security. It builds confidence. It creates freedom.
Women who are self-sufficient don’t need to posture or demand special treatment. They move through the world capable and secure in their ability to handle whatever comes.
What is sold today as “empowerment” is weaponised incompetence mixed with entitlement.
If you want equality, you take responsibility with the privilege — not only when it suits you, but all the time.
Because real independence isn’t a slogan.
It is a skillset.
-Nova
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