One of the most valuable lessons my mother always taught me is, you always have a choice.
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When I was little, my mom always used to say to me “you always have a choice”. This was usually said in a difficult situation – we grew up in an abusive home where my mom was the only voice of reason, we were poor, my dad was drunk and violent, we were bullied in school and most of life just sucked.
So when you’re small, that statement doesn’t make a lot of sense. I’m being bullied at school. I have a choice? Really? My dad falls into the house drunk and beats anything in his way and I have a choice?
Or later on – I am misdiagnosed with depression and given hopelessly incorrect medication which leads me to try to hang myself, but I have a choice? How’s that? Or my so-called fiancé cheats on me and then disappears – where’s my choice? I didn’t understand.
It took me many years of turning that phrase over and over in my head, while dealing with sometimes really impossible odds, until I understood.
I do have a choice.
I have a choice to stay a victim, or to be a fighter.
I didn’t choose to have an abusive father, just like my mom didn’t choose an abusive husband (like most alcoholics, he hid it really well until after they got married, and then all hell broke loose). But I do choose if that remains my story, or if I rise above it.
My father broke down my self-image. I can choose to stay in the shards, or I can choose to build myself up.
I can choose to remain depressed over two years psychiatrists stole from me, or I can fight for mental health awareness.
I can choose to feel betrayed, abandoned, used, helpless, hopeless, defeated – or I can stand up.
I chose to stand up.
See, you don’t control the outside things. You don’t control the traffic, the weather, other people’s behaviours, attitudes and mindsets. You don’t control society and social media and the government. But – you do control yourself. You control your reactions, your attitude and your behaviour.
This is the most powerful thing you have. Against that, the world can break like waves against the harbour walls. It’ll splash and spray and the wall won’t move a single inch.
It doesn’t have to be a big thing. It doesn’t have to be an announcement screamed from the rooftops. And when you’re struggling with mental health issues, it’s even harder. So start small.
Teach yourself, in every thing, every moment of every day, with every small interaction, that you have a choice. When the coffee spills, you have a choice of being angry or just cleaning it up. When the anxiety builds in your chest, choose grounding techniques and a brisk walk over spiraling.
-And no, don’t tell me it’s impossible. I was there. I know how hard it is to take a mind that’s spinning at a million miles an hour and forcing it in a different direction. I’ve walked out of meetings hyperventilating and clutching my fists so hard I puncture my palms. I’ve physically tried to run from myself that I collapse with burning lungs on a lawn. Forced myself into ice water to break the fever in my mind. Hidden in bathroom stalls with the lights out and counted, wall tiles, cracks, number of drops from the tap, breathe, baby, breathe. Because I will not give in. I will not be defeated. I refuse.-
I will beat the darkness into submission. Not because I am super strong, I’m not. Not because I think I’m all that, either. But because I have a choice. And I choose the sunlight over the darkness because the darkness, yes, it’s comforting and quiet but it hurts like hell and I’d much rather fight through half an hour of heartache than spend six months lying on my face, dead inside.
That’s just the mental health view but it goes for everything. Every moment of every day, you are choosing, subconsciously. You’re choosing your attitude for the day. You’re choosing your words with your coworkers. You’re choosing the music in the car and to hoot and swear at the idiot driver in front of you – there, you’re choosing to be angry instead of calm.
Every day consists of a million moments where you have a choice to become better, to grow or learn, or to submit and remain a victim.
I hope you’ll see that, today, and you’ll choose to step into the light.
It won’t be easy, but it’ll get better and baby, it’s going to become amazing.
@ironicnotion
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