Last weekend, Rusty* had a massive meltdown. He came within moments of a suicide attempt, if it hadn’t been for friends jumping in and actually forcibly removing him from the situation. It came to that, because Rusty had been hiding his worsening depression to such an extent that people living in the same house didn’t know what was happening.
Why was he hiding it? This beautiful, gentle soul – sharp, witty, intelligent – like so many other men, have been gaslit into firmly believing that the things he’s struggling with makes him weak. If he admits to being in pain or needing support, he is stigmatised as “crazy” or “emotional”. If he admits that he needs help, he is branded a failure and a disappointment.
And I’m standing over here, staring at this wonderful person and going, oh hell no. You deserve better.
I’m a girl, yes. And I am incredibly privileged to know many absolutely amazing men. Rusty is just one of them. My brother Odin* is another. My fiance Irish* is a Good Man™️. There’s a lot more, but three is enough for the purpose of illustration. All of these amazing, genuinely good men have suffered (in silence) tremendous heartbreak, self-doubt, serious depression and worse things. All of these amazing men fought their demons in the dark, because society tells them they’re weak if they express it.
This is why I’m calling bullshit on this. I refuse to stay silent in a world where good men are torn down by rising trends like #MenAreTrash, Reddit threads suggesting men are less worthy of help, calling men who express emotions “performative men” and still expecting men to pay for everything, otherwise they’re not “real men”.
These stigmas and extremely damaging societal trends and norms destroy the mental health of good, genuine men. We can dismantle these stigmas. We can change these views. Maybe not the whole world, sure. But Rusty’s still alive a week later, Odin is still fighting and Irish is laughing again for the first time in years. Their worlds are better.
Society's Shadows
South African men’s suicide risk are 3x higher than women’s, according to the WHO in 2024. Societal expectations, like that men have to be absolute providers and stoic statues, isolate men and push them deeper into depression and anxiety.
Rusty was going to work and having repeated panic attacks every day, but he has to go because if he misses a day he misses income and if he misses income, he’s viewed as a failure by people in his life.
Odin is medically unable to work – and is mocked, judged and disregarded for it daily. It’s not his fault – and more on that here.
Despite paying maintenance religiously, more than what is deemed necessary by the court, Irish was called a “sperm donor” by his ex-wife, who tells everyone she’s the only one taking care of their daughter.
In all three these examples, three good, hard-working, strong men were forced into silence by societal expectations and judgements. The stigma that was created around their emotions invalidated them severely and prevented them from seeking help.
It cost someone being the villain and causing a massive drama before Rusty was finally given the treatment he needed.
Irish suffered in silence for 10 years before managing to escape the clutches of a narcissistic, abusive woman.
Odin’s case is discussed here.
And when they’re hiding their pain in silence, they’re not seeking the help they need. They’re trapped in the shadows, until the Big S silently rips them away and those same assholes who didn’t lift a finger, will read their obituaries and go, “Oh, I didn’t realise!”
But this cycle can be broken, by people who care. We can form an army of allies around our friends, husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers, co-workers, by understanding the immense pressure they’re under and stepping in to help.
Lighting the Way
Acts of kindness boost serotonin in both giver and receiver (Neuroscience, 2022), and therapy increases resilience by 30% in men (APA, 2023). Through small, intentional acts of kindness, allies (that’s us) can reduce the risk of suicide in these men. Remember – they’re our men. They’re our responsibility.
You can take practical steps, like gentle check-ins (How are you holding up, or Are you okay?). You don’t need to give advice or fix it. You can just listen, be supportive and compassionate, be present. Listening isn’t rocket science and it’s better than reality TV.
There are resources you can share, like SADAG, local support groups, grounding techniques and CBT. You can offer time and effort, consistently, like going for a walk with him or inviting him to share in one of his favourite activities.
And you can normalise therapy as an essential part of the healing process. Doing the work, and doing it in therapy, is strength. There’s nothing weak about facing one’s pain and working through it. A lot of these super-entitled, judgemental asshats riding men on social media for being weak may benefit from therapy analysing their own pain for a change. #Sarcasm
We can light these shadows surrounding these beautiful, strong, good men with our actions and our behaviour. We can break the stigma surrounding mental health, especially men’s mental health by standing up for the ones we love, correcting false statements and judgements and consistently supporting the men in our lives that need our support.
I check in on Rusty daily. I am honoured to be his friend and I will continue to be there for him.
Odin is my person and I will fight anyone that tries to break him down.
I stand next to Irish in everything he does. I support him, help him and cheer him on, in everything he does, and especially when he needs something. Why would you stop supporting someone when they literally need something? That’s completely illogical. But that’s most often when the so-called support stops – and they’re called weak, pathetic, and failures.
So I’m calling out each one of you reading this. Reach out to one man that you know today – send them a text or invite them for coffee, and explore the blog for more insights and resources.
As Rusty said to me, if it wasn’t for my random message that Wednesday going “Hey, how ya doing”, he wouldn’t be here anymore.
Allyship is a shared journey, out of the shadows and into the light.
Boys, keep walking. Please. We need you.
And Allies – lift your torches. Take their hands, shine your light onto the shadows, keep talking, keep supporting, keep fighting.
Together, we can heal.
#OneMoreDay
Nova
SADAG (0800 567 567)
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