Update on Rusty: He had himself committed for two days, a few weeks ago, after another attempt. He’s doing better, he has since developed two apps and is developing a third, and gotten heavily into webdesign, which is awesome. He’s keeping himself busy, mostly, and he’s okay…under the circumstances.
Depression doesn’t magically go away.
Sometimes, it never really goes away.
The German invited Rusty to church a couple of weeks ago, Rusty declined as he’s an atheist. An old schoolfriend also recently asked Rusty if his relationship with God is in good standing. Same response.
Rusty doesn’t believe in God, and that’s fine. That’s his choice. I do believe, that is my choice. My choices doesn’t have to be your choice, and my faith doesn’t have to be yours.
But it’s highlighted an interesting tendency a lot of believers have, when dealing with a depressed or suicidal individual.
The advice is always, get your faith back. Get your life in order. You have to pray.
The advice is rarely backed up by acts of service, compassion or even just a good example of “a life in order” and prayer.
The ‘Pray Harder’ Problem
Let’s start with the obvious. Telling a depressed individual to pray harder, fix his relationship with whatever deity is culturally appropriate and to get his life back in order, is absolutely worthless advice in most cases.
On the one hand, a lot of depressed people are faithful and have deep, intense, heartfelt conversations with God, despite their mental state.
On the other hand, a lot of times that advice comes from a place of “moral superiority” disguised as compassion, and lands as pure condemnation.
The easiest way to alienate someone from faith? Bible-bashing them when they’re already down on the ground. Jesus didn’t walk around quoting scriptures at sick and struggling people. Yes, he quoted scripture, when appropriate or necessary. But he also, mostly, led by example. He carried out actions, He didn’t just walk around talking at people. He showed what a life of faith looked like. (Matthew 8:1–17)
That makes us uncomfortable. Because it’s very inconvenient to have to go over to a depressed man’s house and help him pick up the laundry off the floor. It’s far easier to send “thoughts and prayers” (James 2:14–17).
But someone struggling with mental health issues doesn’t need condemnation, or advice, or to be preached at. Most often, they need compassion, and someone with a manically-obstinate grin tugging them from the house into the sunlight for ten minutes.
The Biology of Belief
I heard a man say that your nervous system is, well, a nervous system. It’s not a Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim or Christian system. It’s a biological structure. It doesn’t know what religion you are. It doesn’t care.
It just knows you don’t feel safe, so it refuses to relax.
He makes a very valid point.
Our nervous systems are dysregulated and highly-strung and no amount of self-help books, meditation apps or Bible-study guides seem to fix the problem. (If it’s fixed your problem, great, I’m glad. Then it’s your turn to help someone else. There’s a lot of people it doesn’t work for.) I knew a woman who read every single self-help book available. Every few months she was on another healing journey. I once told her I’ve never met anyone that worked that hard on improving themselves.
The sad part was that despite all that, she wasn’t making any progress, not really.
Because she was trying to put a plaster over a broken bone. Or whatever mismatch metaphor you prefer. The problem isn’t necessarily in your faith.
I myself believed for years, with no results and no answers. Because my nervous system still believed I am inherently unworthy, and in danger. If your nervous system is stuck in an anxiety-fuelled spiral, the key isn’t praying harder. It’s addressing the actual problem, with an actual solution designed specifically for that problem.
This is also a vicious cycle – because you’re depressed, you pray. But nothing changes…so you punish yourself for being a weak Christian…and you become more depressed.
If your depression isn’t lifting because you’re prayer, let me tell you this: it’s not because you’re weak in faith. It’s because there is a physiological problem that has a physiological solution, that’s being overlooked in favour of spiritual solutions. They may work, short term. But in the end, the true issue will still need to be addressed.
Miracles, Healing, and God’s Mystery
Oh, it’s said so many times. God is a Healer and He will heal your illnesses.
This morning, I went to church with the German. He’s now recently begun searching and became involved in the church, and that’s lovely. This is a man I’ve known for 20 years and only in the last six months has he begun opening up and talking about his feelings. I feel like I’m witnessing the Queen of the Night cactus flowering.
Before going, I was already plotting my points for this article and obviously the topic of why are some people healed and others not, came up. The pastor spoke about miraculous events during Pentecost, including healing. And it occurred to me that those healings are miracles. Not everyone gets a miracle, do they? If we all got miracles, they wouldn’t be miracles.
Does that mean you’re not favoured by God? Not at all.
Does that mean your faith is lacking? Nope.
Does that mean you should pray harder? We should all be praying harder, have you seen the state of the world? But no.
It means God is mysterious (Isaiah 55:8–9). One day when you get to Heaven, you can ask Him. I’m satisfied with knowing that He knows what’s going on, I don’t need to. I’m responsible for what’s been placed in my care, not wondering about what’s outside it. My health issues weren’t miraculously healed, they were dealt with by medical “professionals”…which is kind of why we have doctors?
Maybe God heals some people because they should be an example for His glorification. Maybe He heals some people because they’re not strong enough to deal with the tribulations. And maybe it’s not our problem to worry about other people’s healing – we have enough of our own healing to be doing.
Your Faith, Your Responsibility
Another issue with the generic “fix your relationship with God” advice is this: people see it as a once-off “miracle” cure that’s going to, overnight, magically fix all your problems. Give your heart to God and all will be well.
Well, no.
You don’t become a Christian (or whatever faith) and then everything just falls into place, and you can happily sit back and let God drive the car. Jesus take the wheel? No – Jesus is the copilot, the one with the map telling you which way to turn. Your life is still your responsibility. Your choices and actions still depend on you.
When you convert to Christianity, the real work starts. And it’s hard work, and it’s difficult work, because it will expect you to change and grow – two things us humans really don’t like doing. We’re cool with the surface level stuff, you know, that others can see. The non-surface level stuff? Not so much.
It’s hard to accept that you’re a sinful creature full of selfishness. It’s hard to take responsibility for the destructive behaviours. It sucks to have to give up some of those nice vices that keep us warm at night. To give up the identities we’ve constructed to make ourselves feel better, and to come face to face with who we actually are. That can be downright terrifying.
But, if you believe, then you should know that God is going to be there with you. You can do everything through Christ, who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13). But what’s the key word in that sentence? Do.
We need to do. Not just talk.
Because your recovery is your responsibility. Your healing, just like your faith, is your responsibility. No one can do this for you. Others can support you, but they cannot heal on your behalf – and you shouldn’t be concerned about their healing because that is…their responsibility.
If each of us actively took responsibility for our own actions, beliefs, and healing – the world would also be in much better shape.
Faith also grows through action. I can pray for strength, today. Sure. But if I stay in a little comfortable bubble where I’m never tested, what do I need the strength for, and also, if you don’t practice a skill – it never grows!
I don’t stay inside and protect myself from all the uncomfortable situations and temptations the world has to offer. I go outside and do what I need to do, and I know for a fact that on the mornings I pray for strength and patience, boy will my patience be tested. That’s fine. That’s how you grow.
If you don’t lift the weights at the gym, your muscles don’t grow.
If you don’t play the piano until the neighbours bang on the door and your hands are numb, Rachmaninoff will remain a pipe dream.
And if you don’t pick up the laundry off the floor, spiders will nest in it.
Actions trumps words, every single time. Actions is how we get better, how we improve and learn. Actions is how our faith grows. When you’re without confidence, do the thing anyway and trust your God to give you the strength to.
When you feel like your faith is too weak, take the action anyway. A small step is better than no step. Leaping into the unknown based on faith alone is absolutely terrifying – I know. I’ve felt like I’m hovering in the air after leaping off a cliff numerous times. And I’ve doubted and raged at God. He’s set me down on the other side every time.
How to Help Without Preaching
A relationship is between two people, not 30+. My relationship with God is mine; it has very little to with others – which is why I don’t go around quoting scripture at people.
As a believer, I also believe that my capacity isn’t to preach but to support with actions. To lead by example, not Bible-bashing.
I’ve never asked Rusty to go to church with me, because I know he’s not receptive. Instead, I go over to his house and help him clean up his room. That means something to him. Listening to him, without judgement and without telling him how to fix it, is meaningful. Doing something nice, like watching a movie with him, makes him feel better.
That is what our job, as healed Christians, is. It is not our place to judge (Romans 14:4) – because we’re not perfect and because that man’s relationship with God isn’t my relationship with God. It’s his.
We’ve become complacent in our faith. It’s become religion – a performative series of rituals carried out once a week – and it’s hollow. There’s no substance to it, because there’s no actions that can inspire faith.
Support doesn’t have to be dramatic – in fact, it’s better if it’s not. Small, consistent actions focusing on what the depressed individual actually needs, has a far greater impact than one or two grand gestures. Yes, you can pray for him – please do! But also pray for yourself, for strength and endurance, to remain patient and consistent even when the depressed person you’re supporting is being difficult, doesn’t progress or backslides.
Remember, his progress isn’t yours – he doesn’t have to progress the way you want him to. He has to progress the way he needs to, in the way his nervous system heals.
Grace and Mercy
Depression is a hideous monster that silently murders our friends, family, coworkers and partners.
Depression doesn’t go away just because you prayed. It doesn’t stay because you didn’t pray hard enough.
And we can have long debates about what causes it and whose definition of it is right, but I don’t have the word count for that.
The fact remains that if you are struggling with depression, it’s not because your faith is weak. Have mercy on yourself, too. If you’re the one drowning in this, know: your worth isn’t tied to your faith – or anyone’s opinion of it.
And if you are a believer, supporting a man with depression – have grace with him. We are all here through unimaginable grace (Ephesians 2:8–9). We should be living that grace, to all we come into contact with, and especially to those who desperately need it – whether they believe or not.
Grace isn’t a finite resource. When’s the last time you showed up – not with a sermon, but with a mop?
-Nova
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