Wednesday last week, Rusty took an overdose of his anxiety medication with vodka. He has been hospitalised for treatment.
I’m writing this now because the shock is still fresh and the people who need to hear this are usually the ones who don’t get a reprieve to process, because they’re answering phones, replaying conversations in their heads, explaining themselves, justifying their actions and wondering endlessly if they could’ve done something differently.
This article is for the people who deal with the aftermath of a suicide attempt.
It’s not for the person who was in crisis, but for the people around them. The people who stayed up late chatting on WhatsApp, who searched for the right words, who froze every time a message came through, or a door slammed, who spent their days in quiet anxiety: the ones now stricken with guilt, fear, anger, relief, grief and a silent, stunned kind of exhaustion.
If you’re there, there is one sentence you have to have heard by now:
“It’s not your fault.”
It was the single most-stated phrase everyone said to me directly after the news. People say it because they’re trying to help, because they know guilt can crush someone who is already shaken. And they say it because, in many cases, it is true.
That doesn’t mean you naturally believe it.
So I’ll be talking about what the guilt actually means, what your responsibility really is, what the correct actions are when someone is suicidal, why boundaries matter more than you might want to admit, and which warning signs can never be ignored, even if ignoring them feels easier or more polite.
Guilt Is Lightning Fast
Feeling guilty, or like it’s somehow your fault, is a predictable psychological response. It doesn’t mean it’s accurate.
When someone survives an attempt, people around them are left in a conflicted state with all kinds of thoughts swirling in their minds: If I had said something else. If I had called more. If I had pushed harder. If I hadn’t done this or that thing. If I watched them more. If I did more. If I only…
Your brain is trying to regain control after an event that proved, very clearly, that you didn’t have it.
Guilt gives you an illusion of agency. See, if it was your fault, then maybe you could have prevented it. And if you could have prevented it, maybe next time you can stop something worse from happening. But that isn’t necessarily true. It just means your nervous system is trying to find a constructive solution.
Most people who said “it’s not your fault” to me weren’t dismissing my responsibility. They were trying to say something more precise, even if the language wasn’t necessarily there.
You did not cause the illness.
You did not create the suicidal impulse.
You do not have the power to cure another person through love, patience, or proximity.
What you do have, is responsibility for how you respond when someone is at risk.
What Are The Correct Steps?
When someone is suicidal, there is an instinct to want to save them. But you’re not supposed to become their sole support, emotional anchor, or secret keeper. You are supposed to widen the circle of responsibility, even when it feels like betrayal, escalation, or overreaction.
That means involving professionals and systems designed to handle acute risk.
In practicality, it means:
- Encouraging and facilitating contact with a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.
- Informing parents, partners, or family members when risk is present, even if the person is an adult.
- Contacting emergency services when there is imminent danger, a stated plan, or loss of contact after warning signs.
- Ensuring medical intervention when there has been an overdose, self-harm, or credible attempt.
When I called Rusty’s mother, he was furious. I did it anyway. When I forwarded his voice notes to his therapist, he was furious. I did it anyway. And when he disappeared off into the mountains, I called the police.
It wasn’t easy. Doing those things carries the risk of permanently damaging a relationship.
It is also sometimes the only responsible choice.
Emergency services aren’t a punishment. They’re a containment measure. Because when someone is in a state where they cannot reliably protect themselves, outside containment isn’t optional; it’s non-negotiable.
If you hesitate because you’re scared they may be angry or they may blame you, or that you may be overreacting, it’s understandable. But that doesn’t outweigh the risk of doing nothing. You don’t need permission to act when someone’s life is in danger, you need to act. It’s better to err on the side of caution – I also thought once or twice that I may be overreacting, but recent events proved again that I wasn’t.
Actions saves lives.
Boundaries Aren’t Cruel. Not Setting Them Is.
One of the most dangerous mistakes people make when supporting someone with severe depression or suicidal ideation is to blur boundaries.
Yes, it starts with the best of intentions.
You’ll talk more often. You check in frequently, and become more available. You take on emotional roles that aren’t clearly defined. You’ll carry things for them, so they don’t have to. You soften expectation and tolerate behaviours that are normally unacceptable. You convince yourself that proximity means safety.
And over time, the line between support and relationship disappears.
Regardless of the context – romance, friendship, work, caregiving – this blurring undermines your support efforts, and increases pressure on the person who is struggling.
If you become someone’s emotional lifeline, that person now carries the weight of not wanting to disappoint you, they’re scared of losing you or failing you. And that pressure only amplifies shame and secrecy – two of the most dangerous factors in suicidal crises.
With unclear boundaries, you can’t respond cleanly to risks, because you hesitate or negotiate. You’ll try to protect the relationship instead of the person. But this is what you need to understand:
Strict boundaries are not abandonment. They are structure.
With boundaries you can say “I care about you, and I am not equipped to handle this alone,” without it becoming a rejection.
They make it possible to involve others without it becoming a personal betrayal.
They make it possible for the person who is ill to receive support that doesn’t depend on one individual holding everything together.
If you are supporting someone with depression, boundaries are not optional. They are protective equipment that you cannot be without.
Never Ignore These Signs
One of the hardest parts of the aftermath is realizing that signs were present, and that some people saw them, and didn’t act.
Sometimes it’s because the signs were subtle. Sometimes because the people didn’t want to intrude. Sometimes because acknowledging them would’ve been uncomfortable. Acting despite discomfort is always better than losing someone.
There are warning signs that should always trigger escalation, regardless of context or relationship.
These include:
- Talking about wanting to die, disappear, or not exist.
- Expressing hopelessness or a belief that things will never improve.
- Giving away possessions or tying up loose ends unexpectedly.
- Sudden calm after a period of intense distress.
- Withdrawing sharply from contact after expressing suicidal thoughts.
- Increased substance use alongside depression.
- Researching methods or acquiring means.
- Saying goodbye in ways that feel final or out of character.
Don’t try to interpret or analyse the signs. Just act.
Ignoring them doesn’t make you kind, polite, or peaceful. It makes you passive in the face of fatal risk.
These words may be hard, but they’re necessary: if you see these signs and choose silence because you don’t want to overstep, or it’s uncomfortable, you are not protecting the person. You are protecting yourself from discomfort.
That doesn’t necessarily make you evil, it makes you human. But it is still dangerous, and you’ll need to decide which discomfort is preferable – psychology visits and uncomfortable conversations, or the loss of a partner, child, parent or friend?
Know What You Can & Cannot Control
This must be stated clearly, because in the aftermath it often blurs beyond recognition.
- You cannot control another person’s internal state.
- You cannot think for them.
- You cannot out-love an illness.
- You cannot monitor someone into safety indefinitely.
What you can and should do:
- Take expressions of suicidal ideation seriously.
- Escalate to appropriate supports.
- Hold boundaries that reduce pressure and secrecy.
- Refuse to collude with minimization or denial.
- Act even when it risks conflict.
Doing those things doesn’t guarantee safety. Nothing does.
But failing to do them increases risk, and that is where responsibility actually lies.
When There Is Hospitalization
When someone survives a suicide attempt and is hospitalized, we shift to relief.
They’re alive.
They’re being monitored.
They are “safe for now.”
This is when the supporters normally crash – because adrenalin drops. The what-ifs start flooding in. You become angry. You feel betrayed. You may feel numb or resentful. You may feel like you’re not even supposed to feel anything negative, because they almost died.
That’s fine. What’s important is not just returning to “business as usual”. This time now must be used to re-establish safe and manageable boundaries, re-evaluate and redistribute responsibility, and ensure that professional care remains highest priority. It is not – despite how you might feel – the time to promise constant availability, emotional fusion, or secrecy.
If anything, this is the moment to step slightly back while ensuring the support net is wider and stronger than before.
To Those In The Aftermath
If you’re reading this because someone you care about attempted suicide, you didn’t imagine the seriousness of the situation. You didn’t make it worse by acting. You didn’t fail by involving others.
Feeling like it was your fault doesn’t mean it was.
It means you care, and your system is trying to make sense of something that defies simple cause and effect.
Remember. Support doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself. Love doesn’t mean becoming the only thing standing between someone and the illness consuming them. Responsibility doesn’t mean control.
If there is one thing I want people to take from this, it is this:
The most loving thing you can do for someone who is suicidal is to refuse to handle it alone.
That refusal is not abandonment. It is an act of seriousness.
And sometimes, it is the act that keeps everyone alive.
-Nova
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