I’m having such a hard time sitting in a very specific form of existential silence as I type this. It’s not overwhelming. It’s underwhelming, actually. I’ve been here many times, and each time the silence breaks, it renders another unsatisfying experience that leads to another unpredictable space of uncomfortable silence.
The silence, when it’s relational, happens after physical interaction. Physical contact doesn’t happen often in my life, especially at the depth of work that I operate in. When it happens, it ends as quickly as it begins. For no verifiable reason, with no contact, no communication, no explanation. It sounds like one-night stands without the sex. If I didn’t understand the mechanics and the patterns related to this, it would send me way over the edge into a rage. But I’m actually cool about it…to an extent.
Then, there’s the silence the field sparked regarding my professional ecosystem and my personal livelihood. I have a system that is set up to rake in millions of dollars, and I’ve only been making pennies on it. It’s the silence between what was and what’s forming, mixed with wants and needs I hold lightly to see if they are aligned with my convictions. The direction of my convictions often gets stalled, redirected, or whatever it’s doing. So, it forces me to check if what I want is what’s sincerely wanted, and if what I need is what’s sincerely needed. There may not be a checkable timeline, but the question remains: how many times does one need to check intentions before one gets full cooperation? If I weren’t aware of the mechanics, that, too, would send me into a fiery rage.
In brief, the mechanics are disproportionate timing. My timing. Your timing. Engineered timing (the 12-month calendar, the 24-hour clock). Divine timing (the honest, clean gap between all forms of time). And they rarely sync cleanly. Why? Because most people have compromised their honest personal time to keep up with the presets of engineered time (corporate jobs, schools, institutions, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, global events). The inner work is to reconcile that disconnect. Those who are in their honest timing of things have to stand to the side and witness everyone else catch up. What does one do to bide their time on the side?
The creative things I do to bide my time—creating music, content, reflecting, long walks, naps—have been grounding me. It’s what I’ve relied on every time the direction changes or something I wanted or needed gets removed. There’s so much I’d love to be doing with what I create, but the tide has not been rolling my way. Transparent moment: it’d be really cool if I had a budget large enough to turn all of my books into high-quality movies, shows, web series, stage productions. While composing albums, film scores, and all the things. Plus, a lucrative audience big and generous enough to support, fund, share, and embrace the work as a soundtrack to their lives. That’s been a forever vision of mine. It would be easy to say that I’m dreaming above my material, but, because of timing, it’s the other way around—my material is above my means.
As a result, it’s no longer easy to distract myself with mindless scrolling, getting lost in books, movies, and shows with disempowering plots, celebrity/influencer fodder that have nothing to do with the conviction of my direction. Of course, that’s growth on my part, and absolutely no judgement to those who need to do that. But it’s incredibly irritating to get baited with imagery and posts, with nothing reliable enough to settle me in this…silence. This limbo. This whatever-the-hell this is.
I’m aware of the spiritual forecasts, the astrology forecasts, the scientific forecasts. My beef is with the disproportionate timing of things. It’s not malicious beef; it’s a survival reflex. I am human. Paradoxically, proportional timing lies in it. Proportional timing allows me to rest, plan, and organize within my vision, but I need a reliable, sustainable budget to execute it.
I can’t force that, and I can’t say that I fully appreciate what’s happening here, either. I’m mostly tolerating it, enduring it. Endurance is both noble and not noble because it’s all tied to timing and hidden specifics. It’s noble because it shows a level of capacity. It’s not noble because I’m deeply unsatisfied with how partial the support feels. It is what it is until it isn’t. If you relate to and benefit from anything that I’ve ever offered, know that I see you and we’re all in this together. If you’re able to support the vision, my donation links are here.
In the meantime and in between time, please be kind and gentle with yourself, as I do the same.
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