You can call yourself a band without a bass player. Or even a drummer. But you need a name. A good, solid, hip name. But The Pig Shits? It would never be easy.
* * *
"So, I’m thinking we’ll write our band-name suggestions and throw them into a hat,” Bo suggests.
“A hat?” Dexter questions.
“And we’ll reach in and pull out the winner.”
“Nah,” Dexter says. “The first part is fine, but we can’t pick a name at random. What if someone suggests
The Pig Shits?”
“Well, no,” Bo says. That is a good point. He wouldn’t mind naming the band The Pig Shits. “Okay, write your suggestions and we will read them?”
“Deal,” Dexter agrees, and Ronnie concurs. The drummer does not yet have a vote.
They move to their private corners, pens in hand. It is a long, drawn-out process. It becomes even longer once bottles of beer become part of the process.
It falls to Bo to read the suggestions aloud:
- The Wet Pyjamas
- Busted Flat
- The Touts
- Maximum Throttle
- The Short Sentences
- Mother Mayhem
- Yesterday's News
- Full Throttle
- The Burnt Onions
- Speculation
- The Nocturnal Visionaries
- Piss Proud
- The Orange Crates
- Busted Flat
- The Urns
- The Shout Outs
- The Raspberry Raptures
- The Bad Jokes
- The Horny Toads
- The Broken Parachutes
- The Ticking Clocks
- The Vaginas
- The Hard Caulks
- Splendid
- The Pig Shits
- BARF
- The Rusty Zippers
- The Churlish Children
- Eat Me
- Eat You
- Take it Back
- The Gas Tanks
- The Bad Jokes
- Up Yours
- Smell My Feet
- The Worried Men
- Too Hot to Handle
- The Cheap Dates
- Big Trouble
- The Salty Kisses
- The Street Lights
- The Bad Bumpers
- The Secret Sluts
- The Red Hot Chilli
- Piss Off
- The Gigantic Giraffes
- The Stop Signs
- The Modest Mice
- The Glass Eyes
- The Data Dicks
- The March Hairs
- The Stupid Step-Fathers
- The Empty Sky
“The Pig Shits,” Dexter says.
“Christ,” Bo says.
“It is a good name. And I’m sure no one has ever used it.”
“And for good reason. Store windows couldn’t display album covers, newspapers wouldn’t run ads, the radio wouldn’t play songs, and there wouldn’t be any greatest hits collections.”
“True enough,” Dexter says. “Your choice?”
“The Touts.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“Me, either,” Ronnie says.
“Me, too,” Sticks says.
“In the UK, it means one who informs on others. An informer.”
“Oh,” Dexter says with a smile. “I like that.”
“You see?”
“I see.”
“Me, too,” Ronnie says.
“Me, too,” Sticks says.
“So? Vote?”
“Count me in,” Dexter says.
Excerpt from The Last Record Album: A Fictional Biography Copyright © 2021 James Porteous