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Boy X, like many 19-year-olds, is struggling to find a partner. His mother has booked him a seat at a Speed Dating event where couples talk to potential spouses for one minute before moving on to the next candidate. Boy X is not very hopeful.
* * *
Boy X: So you come here often?
Girl Y: You’re not serious.
Boy X: Do you come here often?
Girl Y: Well, it was nice meeting you.
Boy X: What the hell does that mean?
Girl Y: What the hell does it mean? You use the lamest pick-up line ON EARTH, and you’re ragging on me. Did you really think I was gonna let you rip off my knickers in the john?
Boy X: I don’t know what you are talking about.
Girl Y: Fine. Let’s leave it at that.
Boy X: Done deal, man.
* * *
Boy X: Hi.
Girl W: Hi. How are you?
Boy X: Great. You?
Girl W: Caught you on a bad day?
Boy X: Sorry?
Girl W: You seem like you are in a mood?
Boy X: Oh yeah. So you come here often?
Girl W: Fuck you, Jack.
* * *
Boy X: Hi.
Girl C: Hi.
Boy X: You good?
Girl C: Sure.
Boy X: Your hair is nice.
Girl C: Listen, I’m not really into guys.
Boy X: Guy-guys or me guys.
Girl C: Well, both.
Boy X: Well, I guess I failed in both categories.
* * *
Boy X: How are you?
Girl H: Why?
Boy X: Why?
Girl H: I mean, why do you ask? Do I look depressed?
Boy X: No.
Girl H: Unhinged?
Boy X: No.
Girl H: Desperate?
Boy X: Nope. You look normal.
Girl H: I have a nose ring and devil tats on my arms. You think that is normal?
Boy X: For you, I guess.
Girl H: Do you have any tats?
Boy X: No.
Girl H: Why am I not surprised?
Boy X: Why are you not surprised?
Girl H: You got nerve, I’ll give you that.
Boy X: Thanks. You, too.
Girl H: I don’t like nerve.
Boy X: Me either.
* * *
Girl S: Hi. You come here often?
Boy X: You taking the piss?
Girl S: Taking the what?
Boy X: You taking the piss out of me?
Girl S: No. I wondered if you come here often.
Boy X: No.
Girl S: No what?
Boy X: No, I don’t come here often.
Girl S: Tip for you?
Boy X: Sure.
Girl S: You probably shouldn’t come here often.
Boy X: Duly noted.
* * *
Boy X: Hello.
Girl K: Hello.
Boy X: Nice night.
Girl K: Yes.
Boy X: First time?
Girl K: Yes.
Boy X: Having fun?
Girl K: Yes.
Boy X: Met anyone you like.
Girl K: I’m not sure.
Boy X: It is not easy.
Girl K: No.
Boy X: Nice meeting you.
* * *
Boy X: Where are you from?
Girl P: One street over.
Boy X: No, I mean where are you from?
Girl P: One street over.
Boy X: Not Asia?
Girl P: One street over.
Boy X: It is nice over there.
Girl P: Where?
Boy X: One street over.
* * *
Girl Z: You like cats.
Boy X: You mean the movie?
Girl Z: No. The animal.
Boy X: They are okay. Is that important to you?
Girl Z: What?
Boy X: Cats.
Girl Z: No. I’m just making conversation.
Boy X: How is it going for you?
Girl Z: Just like this.
Boy X: It is not easy.
Girl Z: It is not easy.
Boy X: We tried.
Girl Z: Bye.
* * *
Girl L: Can we just sit? Not talk.
Boy X: Sure.
Girl L: I am tired of talking.
Boy X: I understand.
Girl L: There is only so much you can talk about.
Boy X: I agree.
Girl L: By the third guy, I was like, ‘can you just shut the fuck up?’ On and on about his mother. Right? His mother. Does he think anyone will want to date him when he comes here to talk about his mother?
Boy X: Probably not.
Girl L: Probably not. But you watch. I bet you John B will be the only one who gets a date out of this. Right? The only one. He’s over there. Talking to that tall blonde. Oh, I wish I could read lips. We should be able to pick out the word ‘mommy,’ though. Don’t you think?
Boy X: I imagine so.
Girl L: Say ‘mommy’ twice and I’ll watch your lips and then we can watch him and see if he says it.
Boy X: Mommy. Mommy.
Girl L: Okay. Slower.
Boy X: Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
Girl L: Okay, okay. I’ll watch. Jesus, now everyone will think you are talking about your mother. I’m watching. Motley. I think he said Motley.
Boy X: Maybe his mother is in Mötley Crüe.
Girl L: (laughs) Don’t be silly. I think his mother would sing backup for Britney.
Boy X: Maybe she is a solo artist.
Girl L: Oh, I think that was mommy. Or close. What is close to mommy?
Boy X: Mummy?
Girl L: That is close. Can’t see why that would come up in a convo. But who knows? Maybe he has a thing for mummies.
Boy X: And mommies.
Girl L: (laughs) Come on, Johnny B. Don’t let me down. I bet he is talking about himself now. Doesn’t he look like he’d be more interested in talking about himself?
Boy X: He does.
Girl L: Yes, he does. Momma’s boy. Well, I guess our time is up. No worries. Sorry, I did not feel like talking. I’m just all talked out, I guess.
Boy X: No problem. Bye.
Girl L: Oh God! Look at him. He’s shaking her hand! What a clown.
* * *