How I Returned to My Body, My Truth, and the Life That Was Meant for Me
There was a time when I thought the way I moved through the world was wrong. I grew up in a place where stillness was the standard — where emotions were kept quiet and expression was often seen as a flaw. But I’ve always had movement in me. Big feelings. Sensitivity. A wild, swirling energy that didn’t know how to stay small.
And so I learned to shrink. To still myself. To try and be what I saw around me.
“I tried to still myself, and it really hurt.”
Looking back now, I can see that I wasn’t just trying to fit in — I was abandoning myself. I didn’t understand at the time that the disconnection, exhaustion, and shame I carried wasn’t mine. It was inherited. Learned. Internalised through years of trying to survive in a world that never made space for the way I was made.
A Brain and Body That Didn't Fit the Mould
I didn't know I was neurodivergent. I only knew that I was different.
That trying to be “normal” made me feel like a failure.
For decades, I bent myself out of shape trying to fit. My brain works in a way that doesn't match the structures or expectations of the world around me — and without that understanding, I lived with chronic shame.
“There isn’t anything wrong with me. It’s just that I’m so neurodivergent, trying to be normal set me up to fail.”
I lived with relentless hypervigilance.
Shapeshifting to be acceptable.
Scouring every room for clues on how I should act, speak, move.
No wonder I was always exhausted. I’d spent years outsourcing my energy, awareness, and decision-making to the world around me. I had no idea who I truly was under all the masks. I didn’t even realise I’d left myself behind.
Running While Looking Free
Even though from the outside I looked like I was living a beautiful life — working as a horse trainer, travelling the world, chasing freedom — the truth is, I was running.
Running from the pain.
From the parts of me I didn't know how to sit with.
From the disconnection inside.
“I left myself, my inner ones, completely alone all the time.”
I escaped into the animal world. Dogs, horses, forests — they became home.
But deep down, I still felt unworthy, unlovable, and deeply ashamed of who I was.
It took the safety of a loving relationship to change that.
Someone who saw me, fully. Who let me drop the masks without fear.
And when I did, I found someone I hadn’t even met before — the real me.
That moment cracked everything open.
Finding My Way Back
At the same time, I began to understand my brain.
First ADHD, then autism.
It was like all the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fell into place.
I finally understood why everything I had tried before hadn’t worked.
No amount of therapy or healing could land until I knew who I was and how I was wired.
From that moment, things began to change.
I started building a life that worked for me — not against me.
Letting go of shame. Releasing the story that I was broken.
Forgiving myself.
“I don’t talk nasty to myself anymore. I meet those parts with love.”
I stopped trying to be organised like other people.
I accepted my memory challenges.
I found tools that actually supported me — and started speaking to myself with care.
The Spiritual Turning Point
It was in New Zealand that my spiritual path really opened.
I started to heal without even trying — just through intuition.
I healed a long-standing shoulder injury.
I began hearing my guides clearly.
I reconnected with the presence I’d felt as a child — the one I called my Big Brother, the presence who was always with me, who I now understand was my angel.
That was the beginning.
From there, I dove deep into learning and practice.
I was drawn to energy work — first one method, then Reiki.
Reiki came into my life through my teacher in Canada, and it changed everything.
“Reiki was the pillar that held me together while I was still piecing myself up.”
It gave me something I hadn’t realised I was missing: connection, support, and care.
Not just from others — but from within.
It helped me return to myself.
My Sensory World
I’ve always felt energy in ways that didn’t make sense to others.
For me, energy is as visible and tangible as a hand moving through air.
I hear things in my body.
I feel people’s emotions in my body.
The world is loud, bright, full — and before, it overwhelmed me.
“To me, the world used to feel like 100 radio channels were playing at once. Nothing clear. Just noise.”
But as I trained in Reiki — especially through the two-year teacher path in our lineage — I found boundaries.
I found ownership of my own space.
I stopped being porous and started being present.
And as my own vibration rose, my intuitive abilities became more refined.
Now I can read, sense, and hold energy in powerful, precise ways.
But I never take that for granted — because it came through walking myself home.
This Work IS My Life
Everything I share now — through sessions, through Reiki, through my presence — comes from this path I’ve walked.
“I built myself up from someone who hated herself… to someone who truly loves and honours who she is.”
That’s what I offer others:
The space, the presence, and the tools to do the same.
To stop abandoning themselves.
To meet all their parts with compassion.
To rebuild their sense of self from the inside.
To live from truth — not shame.
To feel safe in their own body, and steady in their own energy.
This isn’t something I learned in a weekend course.
It’s something I lived, and still live.
And I’m so grateful for every step of the way.
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