My Part in Rebuilding This Relationship After an Affair

You did not cause the harm. Their behavior caused the harm and you get to decide how to respond in a healthy manner. Or not.

Included in the 89 pages is acknowledgement that betrayal hurts badly and starting the process of trusting and rebuilding after that feels overwhelming at times. Step by step walk through what must change, what you need, want, feel and what needs to be released, discharged and done differently.

You were part of the relational system, though. What is your contribution going forward, based on wisdom from reflecting on what happened? This is the painful part that no one talks about, because their ego gets in the way. They hear it as blame instead of understanding that in a system, all parts are related. The affair happened and it did not happen in a vacuum. You did not cause it. Your relational dynamics had an influence and that is why you both want to do things differently in the relationship. If only one of you changes at this point, the new relationship will likely fail quickly.

With the affair in the background, how do you relate to one another now? That will influence your future.

Ultimately, they made the decision. It would be incorrect to read that as blame of you. There is room for improvement, even though you are not to blame. The person who made the decision had other options, including telling you what was happening in their heart, their brain or they could have been done with the relationship and ended it there and not cheated. This choice profoundly affects the foundation of the relationship. Check for cracks in the foundation or build it from scratch. From wisdom and experience, not from scratch...

What can we do differently going forward? 

Where might you have held yourself back and realize you need to speak up firmly and promptly?

What will you not tolerate?

What has to be different for me to want to move forward?

What part of the rebuilding is yours?

How can you do that with full buy-in, not reluctant or hesitant or mixed feelings?

What can you own and feel more in control?