What Set of Rules Are We Using in This Relationship?

In my work as a couples counselor, I get to hear stories.

Sometimes, the stories are so similar someone thinks I am talking about them. There are only so many variations to a story. I apologize if this sounds like you.

Here’s how I heard it:

“Sometimes it feels like you and I are playing different versions of the same game.

I’m trying to build something long-term, steady, and safe between us—like a team that moves in sync.

When your ex is around, I feel like we slip out of coordination.

It’s actually not about him; it’s about what happens to the sense of us when that triangle forms.

From my side, I’m trying to hunt the “stag”—deep trust, emotional exclusivity, a future that’s fully ours. That’s a reference to the amount of collaboration and partnership required to hunt a stag.

When moments blur—it starts to feel like we’ve gone back to hunting separate rabbits, instead or, as a team, going for the stag (the biggest win).

Note: the story in my head, the one that I’m telling myself while writing this, is that you’re going to immediately defend what he did instead of defending us in our relationship.

That’s my exact point. I want you to protect “ us.””

(12 pages)

The next part is about listening between the lines, rather than being literal. This appears to be a gendered issue where misunderstanding can be painful. Clarify and look at the guidance. Talk about it with your partner. Complying with a literal command, from someone who uses figurative language- that doesn't usually work well.

(6 pages)

Part 3 is about Micro aggressions- when we are aggressive and we might not even know we are doing it. Examples, definitions and modeling how to talk about it.