“Do the Work” Are You Overestimating How Much You Have Done?

When people say “you have to do the work,” it’s often tossed around like a cliché, but in the research and clinical world it has very concrete meaning. Let’s unpack it the way leading relationship experts would.

When I ask my people if they have done the work, almost 100% say that they have done what is necessary. I push back strongly. They have an idea of much of the work that needs to be done, not all of it. They have likely done a fair amount so far, but overestimate the work they have done.

When you think about how much you spend on couples counseling, ask yourself what would be the return on investment by following these ten pages of practical advice for 3-6 months, then go to counseling. Work on the things that need a guide to help. These are straightforward and practical for the two of you.

What is included:

What the Experts Say

Be Intentional

Routine Maintenance

The Overlooked Work

Second set of essays entitled: Are You Invested

This set reinforces the first set and asks you to keep rethinking what you are doing and why, trying to make the relationship a conscious decision instead of winging it.

Part of doing the work means looking at your patterns from the past that are interfering. For example, why did you choose who you chose? Work through that and watch what happens when that is more fully healed. I think you will like the impact that has. That is part of "Doing the work."