Flirting and Protecting a Long Term Relationship

This is one of my favorites. Flirting is wonderful and feels great and we all could do well to express ourselves a little more. And, make sure you check in with your partner. What is off-limits and what is okay? If you are not on the same page here, I see problems heading your way.

People seem to have big blindspots and this 32 page packet helps them get through it. Exercises, thought experiments, questions, perspectives...

Flirting can be a problem for couples. Talk it through.

I prefer a deep dive for this because so many couples struggle here.

Why not do the initial work together and then come to counseling when the issue is clear and you need outside help?

I would prefer that you have some discussions, use the time in counseling well and save yourself some money in the meantime.

What is the threshold for you two? What is too much or too far? What sort of shutting it down behavior do you expect from, and owe to, your partner? Do you both agree?

What blindspots might you have?

“It is just harmless flirting,” is a comment that, in itself, minimizes the impact. Your intention might not be to hurt your partner, but if the impact hurts the relationship, you now need to repair. My preference is to prevent these predictable ruptures.

I cannot stop someone from flirting with me. When they do, I better be ready. Work on the response to flirting with your partner. There tend to be gender differences on this one- assessing threat to the relationship, picking up on cues, knowing what is enough of a shut down to truly shut it down.

How do you protect the relationship when someone is flirting with your partner?

Do the two of you see eye to eye or at least agree to disagree in a way that doesn’t threaten the relationship?

Thank you for doing hard things, having hard conversations, awkward ones where you are honest and direct with each other. This is what makes relationships work.

There’s a surprising number of scientific and philosophical fields that can illuminate this kind of relational blind spot, particularly where “flirtation” functions as a threat to attachment security, not just an ethical lapse.

Below is a breakdown, one at a time, of how multiple disciplines would conceptualize, predict, and help someone recognize or respond to these high-risk dynamics.

Thank you for being open to learning even more.